Family planning and the lack of it

[The Bread Wolf 231]

Yo peeps. I wanted to talk about an issue that's very dear to my heart, and that's called planning a family, or a lack of it. Just like the title says.

 

At my age, most women (and possibly also men) are, if not already totally at it, at least planning for their own family. You know. Husband, kids, golden retriever, stuff like that. Most women have silently agreed to have children, even if they don't particularly want them, just because society thinks they should.

 

I stand at the other side of the whole concept: I don't want kids. Ever. I've been told ever since I was a tot that I'll change my mind and when I'm older I'll understand the need to have children. Bitch, I'm older now and still don't want any. In fact, I would gladly have my tubes tied into one hell of a knot to ever avoid even considering the idea that I might be with a child. The idea of pregnancy scares me. The idea of childbirth scares me. I don't like kids. I don't think babies are cute, not in the least. In fact, I believe children up to the age of 10 are, at best, a bore, and at worst, horrible spawns of satan I want nowhere  near me. And yet, medical specialists argue I'm too young (nearing 30 here) to decide if I want kids or not, so they won't perform a sterilisation. Yo, people can decide on a sex correction surgery once they turn 18 but I'm not old enough to know I hate kids and don't want any. And I'm not saying this to mock anyone or say that transgender people shouldn't have the option to do that, but just that both are a part of body autonomy that I think one should have the right to rule over after a certain age.

 

Are there other people who feel the same way as I do? Ladies and gents who just don't want kids, no matter what? Or people who want them but can't have them? Tell me your thoughts and give us some peer support.

[Himeaimichu 1535]

I feel the same. Though I am considerably younger, I don't ever know if I'll be able to afford kids, with all the money that my current live plans involve, and my girlfriend has health issues that would make it to where if I got her pregnant, she probably either die during childbirth, or only give birth to a child that won't be able to live a full life. She was god damn poisoned as a child by a paper mill company that just let all the runoff go willy-nilly into her neighborhood. I also have my health issues that stem from a mother who smoked and drank, and I had to be removed during C section and was barely the minimal weight. Mine aren't nearly as bad as my GF's, but they're enough where my sperm can be fucked. 

And even in the case that she and I don't last, ok. Still doesn't change the fact if I have kids with someone else, I doubt I could afford it. I can barely afford getting by at the moment, and it's not like I'm gonna have support from my deadbeat parents. 

"Oh, your feelings about your parents will change". NO. Abuse is abuse. 

"Oh, but you're a male, and you have the urge to be a father" I may be biologically male, but trans-women have a brain that is in between males and females. Therefore, your arguement is invalid. 

Going off on a small tangent here, but seriously, when I bring up I'm trans in these issues because people bring up gender stuff, it can get really confusing for both sides, so I'm not even going to elaborate. 

Either way, it for me, it boils down to not being able to afford it, and the simple fact that my partner and I both have health issues that would make having a child hard. Also the fact that I don't like kids and would rather spend my time around cats. 

[saishuu 3220]

Well, I was blessed with homossexuality, so the chances of me getting someone pregnant are zero. Besides that, I'm not really too big on the idea of having kids as well in anyway possible. I understand the urge people have to do so, but I never really had that desire to originate life, idk. I was born with a lot of health-related hereditary bullshit as well and the thought of me passing everything that I've had to struggle with through life to someone else (in the case of a biological child, of course) turn me off even more.

 

I actually grew up thinking I'd love to have kids and a family one day, but I was a child back then and didn't know what I was thinking - which only adds to my point. Sure I don't know what's gonna happen in the future as there are plenty of scenerios where me being with a child of my own could potentially happen (although they are very, very hypothetical, but I'm still 26 and your way of thinking changes constantly over your lifetime), but right now I don't see myself doing the whole caring about someone else's life. Having my friends' and relatives' kids around? Would love that though.

[nekkichi 6043]

most of my social circle (age 20 - early 40s) is decidedly against procreation, however, at least two friends have ended up with partners w. children from their previous relationships. I know I can't do this, I can not stand children even if they like me and somehow know how to behave around me.

 

 

19 minutes ago, saishuu said:

Well, I was blessed with homossexuality, so the chances of me getting someone pregnant are zero

omg trust me one day instagram explore will show you flocks of "proud singwle gay dads", it's...something that has been bothering me for a very long time.

I weep for their offspring.

[Ikna 1225]

Who needs kids when you can have cats.

 

[saishuu 3220]

1 hour ago, nekkichi said:

omg trust me one day instagram explore will show you flocks of "proud singwle gay dads", it's...something that has been bothering me for a very long time.

I weep for their offspring.

don't wish that upon me!!!

no but seriously, seeing gay people, whether they are married or not, with kids just throws me off even more lmao

[PsychoΔelica 648]

I am past 30 and I still don't see myself as a mommy, but feel repultion with the whole pregnancy idea. And I get very annoyed seeing prgnant women or families with multiple spawn. But as in my family everybody thinks you must have a child, there has always been this talk that "you need to get married and have kids, (or at least consider surgical procedure lol), which makes me even more agitated. I was even told on occI don't see the purpose of my life in having kids, nor want to picture myself as a mom. Sadly this baby-centric society makes me super isolated.

Edited October 11, 2017 by PsychoΔelica

[doombox 4421]

Mid-thirties here and still don't want kids, or even a serious relationship, tbh. Everyone in my family looks at me like I'm an alien because I don't give a shit about marriage or children. I also get tired of people insinuating I'm selfish for not wanting children, like living my life for myself is a bad thing. The world is scary, not to mention over populated as it is. I don't feel compelled to add to it. 

[LIDL 692]

Personally I don't want kids, and neither my man. We are already having fulfilling and content life without kids.

Plus, we love to travel so much, some times on very short notice, so we cannot be bothered to have kids or pets.

We don't think it will be fair to them, as they will need constant attention and love and caring that we cannot afford.

 

To those who genuinely want kids in their present or future time, I don't think that is wrong. But you need to make sure you can  care for them and able to cater their needs. Make sure you can afford their education fees, their foods, and all other budgets for them alone.

 

I find too many parents are being selfish, by making so much kids but many of them can't go to school or malnourished or not getting enough love and attention from their parents cos they are working late for the daily bread. That ain't right. Many parents also takes their children as some kind of investment, someone who gonna take care of them in their old days. I don't think that's the right vision to have. A good parents need to give their children enough so they can stand on their own when they become adults, and it is not something the kids owed. If the children happen to want to give back then it is good but it should not be expected, or worse, forced.

[ShTon 268]

I'm in my mid 20s and I don't find the idea of having kids appealing to me. Pregnancy and childbirth scare me and taking care of a little human, who signalizes their needs with crying and screaming is even more scary. Also I don't consider myself a good parent material and I just can't afford that. I'm happy though that my family haven't given me the "you should get married and have children" talk yet.

 

If someone wants children, that's completely fine. I just wish people were more careful with family planning.

[platy 3018]

Children make me repulsed. I legit feel a variation of being uncomfortable and disgusted just looking at a baby or little kid. I've been like this since I can remember. 

 

When I'm out and I see a parent with 5 pests about the same age being loud and ruining everyone's day I just think 'why the hell are you doing that to yourself and the world?' I don't find babies cute whatsoever, although that changed once my cousin had her baby and for some reason I found it cute and bearable. 

 

I honestly think if I had a baby I would have anger or depression issues towards it, I feel like it would be in danger. 

 

Despite that though, the side of me that would like to have children is purely  just because I think my DNA shouldn't be wasted lol when I was younger I'd imagine which friends or guys from school would mix well with my DNA if we ever had a baby. Like that guy has nice curly hair or that guy is tall enough that our kid would be normal height, that guy has a nice build, intelligence  etc. 

 

Of course I know having a baby for the sake of procreation isn't valid nowadays lol I also think that in the future I would regret not having a kid since I like big families. But right now me and my bf both gag at the thought of children and want to live life as freely as we can. Just imagining all the money and extra life span I'll get from remaining childless is pure bliss.

So in summary... I despise children but maybe one day I'll be hit with some kind of motherly bullshit. I'll see what happens. 

 

[Peace Heavy mk II 7200]

I'm on the fence about having children.

 

 

If I'm going to, I want to make sure I'm in a financially viable spot where I can afford to provide them with a decent life without having to work 90 hours a week or eat only Easy Mac for 18 years. I'm also worried they won't like me, they'll grow up to be entitled, or the world will change enough that it'll be more difficult for them to be children of gay parents.

 

My boyfriend wants kids in the worst way. He's one of the gays that tries a lot to be acceptable by his family, which often means living like "a normal couple, but there's just two dudes!!!" Sometimes it rubs me the wrong way, but other times I feel like The Gays™ try way too hard to be counter culture and end up lonely anyway  ( @ all of the exhibitionist poly relationships on tumblr). So, it's a moral balancing act for me.

Edited October 11, 2017 by Peace Heavy mk II

[Lestat 2167]

I have disliked children ever since I grew my own consciousness. Anything up to the ages of ten is a no-no. Between not desiring sex whatsoever, horrifying the sight and thought of childbirth and the dreadful knowledge that children are hideous little monsters, I have no maternal instinct at all. I also fear for the time when perhaps my siblings will become parents. It may sound terribly selfish, but I would like to keep my siblings to myself, thank you very much. I am glad my oldest sister thinks similarly to me, but I have no clue about what my brother or younger sister will procure in the future and I always imagine the worst. 

[sakurakurakura 154]

I already have a cats, that's enough children for me, I don't want any more.

[suji 8317]

I'm not gonna lie, I fantasized about having a family.........when I was an innocent little kid.

 

Now I realize how fucking cancerous children are and how much of a waste of money they are. Just the sight of them alone makes me angry. My mom still wants me to give her grandchildren someday, since that's all I'm useful for apparently, but of course she doesn't understand me very well.

 

I've also been blessed by the gay bug so 1) I'm allergic to dicks, 2) I'll never date a girl who likes/wants children. I'm better off alone and saving money, plus my fucking sanity (what I have left of it anyway).

[jiji94 78]

When I graduated high school, my graduating class was so excited because only one of us was pregnant. Now everyone has kids or is married and planning children. It's weird because I'm only 23 and more than half of them own houses, have a couple kids, and are married. Ayy, at least I got me a degree. My hometown scares my university friends. 

 

Tbh I'm of the "I really badly want kids" category but I totally get the not wanting children EVER thing. I know ultimately I want kids but I haven't met anyone yet who I want to start a family with and I know when I do that I'd like to spend several years with just them before having children. My parents didn't have me until they were in their thirties and they've already told me it's okay if I never have children  so I'm lucky I have no pressure from fam. My sister isn't sure she wants kids. I also want to be a foster parent.

 

Although I want kids, I want nothing to do with anyone else's kids. I don't like babies, I don't get excited when people have children (please keep them away at all times), I'm not sure how to talk to young children. I want to teach for awhile but I'm of the minority it seems where I don't want to deal with the elementary age kids (although I'll probably like them). Kids like me for some reason. I'll make silly faces at babies on the bus and in public but otherwise I just... don't want anything to do with them. lol

 

 

 

[gwsm 24]

I'm completely undecided about kids. I'm mildly annoyed by other people's children, but I guess that's how it is for everyone. I never really considered having children myself though, and nobody's pressuring me. I don't know.
I did take the huge step of buying an Olive tree the other day though. I don't know what that means, maybe I subconsciously want the responsibility. Perhaps it's one of those "one day you get an Olive tree, the next day your life is full of toddlers"-situations. I guess time will tell.

Anyway. My view on not wanting children is that it's probably a great reason not to have any. 

[nekkichi 6043]

16 hours ago, Peace Heavy mk II said:

 ( @ all of the exhibitionist poly relationships on tumblr)

[Nyasagi 259]

I've never wanted to have children, the magical "changing my mind when I'm older" didn't happen. Soon I'll be 30 and still don't want any, I don't even have any desire to be in a romantic relationship, I wish I could just share an apartment with single and childless friends (ideally, nerds and rock music fans ;p) until I die, lol. The whole idea of having to have sex with someone in order to live a normalized, adult life and sharing things together is repulsive to me, as well. I'm not sure if I want to have it, looking at stuff online is ok, but I've never slept with any man and with women it was a bit blah. So, definitely no pregnancy. It grosses me out, as well. It's nothing cute or the reason to be happy, I don't get the whole thing about it. Children are like little aliens to me, I'm the youngest in my family and I've never been around these spawns of Satan for a longer time, I have no instruction manual for them, I can't afford having them, when I'm around one I can be nice and polite, but I would rather prefer my peace.

 

Unfortunately, other people rarely want to accept my opinion and decisions, unless they're around the same age or younger. I still hear things like "you'll change your mind" or "when you're old there will be no one to offer you a glass of water", and my own mother's favorite son is of course the one, who produced a little human pet for her to play with. The other two children didn't give her what she wanted, so they're worth less... :/ I don't discriminate people, who want to have children, they should have them... but in my culture I'm probably seen as an broken human being, because the family values are strong. I'm feeling lost and I don't know how I'll live my life later, I don't want to be alone with everything and misunderstood by everyone... because the older I am the less childless people with fun personalities and interests are around, so many people turn into boring adults with families, it really scares me.

[AwesomeNyappy 98]

I understabnd you 100 %. I can't even tell you how much.

[Zeus 7997]

I'm going to buck the trend in this topic and say I do! But not right now. I never thought to ask my girlfriend if she wanted kids, partially because I didn't want them now either and partially because I just expected her to. The latter part sounds messed up, but I can't do it alone. If I could, this would be a totally different conversation. It's always been "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it", but bridges are euphemisms for problems so at some level, I view childbearing as a problem too. So I guess I fit in here enough to ramble for a bit longer.

 

The reasons I have for that aren't unique. I'm depressed and probably have an undiagnosed mental illness I'd pass on to my children. The world sucks. I don't want to wake up one day and hear the news that my child was killed for being black. I like video games too much. I'd have to be responsible with my weed usage. I like having money for things instead of money for diapers and formula. My opinions on most of these things may change with time and that's why I can't say no. @The Bread Wolf, maybe the doctors are approaching your problem the way I approach mine and are just deciding for you that in the future you may change your mind and so they don't want to do an invasive procedure now. That's fucked. But as you said, people have far more invasive surgeries for less developed reasons, so the docs should just respect your wishes. And if passing on your genetics isn't of importance to you, you can always adopt or raise fur babies if you change your mind. I believe one can fulfill the need to be a caretaker without having to have babies.

 

I don't think the concept of not wanting to have kids is unusual. Starting with the toll it takes on the woman's body, coming to the realization that birth is really just the beginning, and then shouldering the responsibility of having to raise another human being is a lot. My friend is having a(n unplanned) child and when he told me, it hit me. I started thinking about all the things I'd have to do and how much my life would change, and it was a daunting realization. I can't imagine the thoughts that go through a woman's head, but one thought that won't leave my head is how lucky I am that I won't ever have to push a cantaloupe out of my pelvis. Maybe the cognitive burden would be less if women didn't feel forced into having a baby (but I'd blame biology before society on that one). If you can come to that realization now, and determine your life is better without a kid than with a kid now and into the immediate future, than more power to you!

On a more global note, I think our generation not wanting to procreate en masse isn't a bad thing. We don't have the resources to sustain our current population as is; the last thing we need to do is double it.

Honestly, the only argument I have for you having kids is to power the next generation of visual kei fans. Get them while they're young, I always say.

 

 

[jaymee 405]

I was somewhat on the fence in my teens about not wanting children. I'm in my 30s now and over the years have gradually moved into the "never having kids" zone. The only exception being that should I ever change my mind (not likely but just entertaining the possibility) I would adopt. But, at this point I don't even want that.

 

There are few j-guys that don't want kids, and my husband and I are both only children. The social pressure to have kids here is insane with the declining birthrate and all... Because of outside peer pressure sometimes my husband entertains the thought of having children, tho he pretty much reverts to "ah hell no" status the rare times we babysit for our friends' kids. He tires out easily and gets irritated when he doesn't get a full night's sleep and his free time is taken away from him, so I figure he'd get stressed/sick of parenting really fast. Also ultimately in Japan, the child rearing responsibility would fall fully on me, and so he doesn't try and force that burden on me knowing I'm not interested. However, we discussed all of this before marriage, and still check in that we're on the same page from time to time.

 

Reasons I don't want kids:

 

- I just don't want them

I actually like kids, but only in measured doses. I don't have a ton of free time as it is, and I know I would be miserable having to give that up for someone else. I also enjoy having the freedom to travel, going to lives, go out with friends, etc. with what little free time I do have, and that would be hard to do with kids since babysitting (like calling a babysitter) is an foreign concept to most Japanese people and the in-laws don't live nearby. My (girl)friends with kids hardly ever go out, hardly ever have any time away from their kids alone with their husbands, never have time to care for themselves, their houses are always a mess, and it just feels like they live the same day over and over. Their roles are limited to "mommy". Also they hardly ever sleep and look tired all the time. I mean they're happy so I'm happy for them, but it's just not the life for me. My husband and I have two cats. They provide the same cuteness and affection and are only a fraction of the work.

 

- They're expensive

I would have to work completely from home (instead of partly), and even then for the first couple of years childcare is pretty much a full time job in itself, so I doubt I'd get much done. My husband doesn't make enough money for me to quit my job. (Thanks crippling student loan debt D: )

 

- Overpopulation

This is the biggest one, even if we did actually want kids. There are already too many people on the planet and we're killing it. The way things are going, it's unlikely the earth won't succumb to global warming or war over lack of resources before any potential kids would grow old and pass on. I couldn't have them knowing that, just for vanity's sake of having a mini me or two running around.

Deciding not to have kids is frustrating because most doctors will refuse to tie your tubes or do anything permanent if you're young and/or haven't had kids yet, because they always assume you will change your mind.

 

Edited October 14, 2017 by jaymee

[jiji94 78]

2 hours ago, jaymee said:

I was somewhat on the fence in my teens about not wanting children. I'm in my 30s now and over the years have gradually moved into the "never having kids" zone. The only exception being that should I ever change my mind (not likely but just entertaining the possibility) I would adopt. But, at this point I don't even want that.

 

There are few j-guys that don't want kids, and my husband and I are both only children. The social pressure to have kids here is insane with the declining birthrate and all... Because of outside peer pressure sometimes my husband entertains the thought of having children, tho he pretty much reverts to "ah hell no" status the rare times we babysit for our friends' kids. He tires out easily and gets irritated when he doesn't get a full night's sleep and his free time is taken away from him, so I figure he'd get stressed/sick of parenting really fast. Also ultimately in Japan, the child rearing responsibility would fall fully on me, and so he doesn't try and force that burden on me knowing I'm not interested. However, we discussed all of this before marriage, and still check in that we're on the same page from time to time.

 

Reasons I don't want kids:

 

- I just don't want them

I actually like kids, but only in measured doses. I don't have a ton of free time as it is, and I know I would be miserable having to give that up for someone else. I also enjoy having the freedom to travel, going to lives, go out with friends, etc. with what little free time I do have, and that would be hard to do with kids since babysitting (like calling a babysitter) is an foreign concept to most Japanese people and the in-laws don't live nearby. My (girl)friends with kids hardly ever go out, hardly ever have any time away from their kids alone with their husbands, never have time to care for themselves, their houses are always a mess, and it just feels like they live the same day over and over. Their roles are limited to "mommy". Also they hardly ever sleep and look tired all the time. I mean they're happy so I'm happy for them, but it's just not the life for me. My husband and I have two cats. They provide the same cuteness and affection and are only a fraction of the work.

 

 

 

Oh man, I remember friends telling me how babysitting isn't a thing in Japan. My best friend who is Japanese is stressed because she's not sure she ever wants children or even to get married. She absolutely hates the idea of becoming a housewife although she admires them because of her mother. I know she's definitely not the only J-girl friend of mine in that boat. One of my J-dude friends and I talked about how he thinks the social pressure is so unfair on women and how it ends up affecting everyone, and how better options for childcare need to exist. I think that unfortunately influenced his decision not to become an English teacher despite having the qualifications and taking a higher paying corporate job. 

 

 

[jaymee 405]

9 minutes ago, jiji94 said:

Oh man, I remember friends telling me how babysitting isn't a thing in Japan. My best friend who is Japanese is stressed because she's not sure she ever wants children or even to get married. She absolutely hates the idea of becoming a housewife although she admires them because of her mother. I know she's definitely not the only J-girl friend of mine in that boat. One of my J-dude friends and I talked about how he thinks the social pressure is so unfair on women and how it ends up affecting everyone, and how better options for childcare need to exist. I think that unfortunately influenced his decision not to become an English teacher despite having the qualifications and taking a higher paying corporate job. 

Yeah, there are a growing number of DINKs (Dual Income No Kids) like my husband and I. With lower take home incomes for men forcing women to work as well,  people getting married later or not at all, and women or men just generally wanting to bow out of this social pressure, not a lot of the younger generation is eager to take on the task. Just the work culture here alone is enough to make you dead inside if you let it.

[Nyasagi 259]

On 14.10.2017 at 4:34 PM, jaymee said:

Yeah, there are a growing number of DINKs (Dual Income No Kids) like my husband and I. With lower take home incomes for men forcing women to work as well,  people getting married later or not at all, and women or men just generally wanting to bow out of this social pressure, not a lot of the younger generation is eager to take on the task. Just the work culture here alone is enough to make you dead inside if you let it.

I think this is the main reason why so many people don't want to have kids nowadays. The man doesn't earn enough to support the whole family, so the woman has to work, as well... and capitalism is just pushing people to work too hard, so they can't even take care of their family well.

 

I also agree with you both about the overpopulation, all these issues are probably caused by this... the planet needs less people and not giving birth is one of the humane methods to make the population smaller, but the society is still influenced by the past, some people don't realize that and just continue their old ways of thinking.