Music and Memories

[Ito 2438]

It’s autumn. The leaves are turning and there is a crispness running through the air. Falls seems bring out the nostalgic side of me. Maybe it is the chill on my skin, forcing my mind try to draw on the warmth of fond memories. Or perhaps it is just the shortening days, driving me to spend more time inside, and making me appreciate the little gap of time after I leave work and when the sun drops below the horizon. Whatever the reason may be, autumn seems to stir in me the feelings of the past.

This is particularly so when it comes to music. This season seems to latch on to music I love, and to me, they almost become inseparable. And that’s what I want to talk about. What music do you listen to that is tied to certain memories? What are the reasons why? Does it make the music almost more important or memorable than it ever could have been without that memory?

I’ll start…with the obvious; music that is tied with memories in fall.

 

Abingdon Boys School – Their entire self-titled album

Enter fall of 2007. My girlfriend at the time and I started dating earlier in the year, which happened to be our final year in high school. After summer had come and gone, we both parted ways on to our separate colleges. I had chosen to go to a fairly close school, only 45 minutes away from home…close enough that I could go home if I needed to, but far enough to be removed from my parents and high school life. She opted to follow the path of her older sister; going to a private college around 3 hours away.

After a summer of spending most of my available time with her, I had fallen in loved. This wasn’t like my previous relationship, where I thought I knew what love was. This time I could explain it. Each little thing. How it made me feel. Our endless silly talks that meandered everywhere and nowhere. This love felt so much more real, unlike the stuff that I was taught was love from TV, but something that I truly felt inside of me. So at the end of the summer, I’m sure you can understand the sinking feeling inside of me. She left, I left; both of us dropped off at our respective institutions. My car was left at home and her’s likewise.

Fast forward to October. It had been three months since I had last seen her, though that was not to say there was a lack of communication. All I have to say is thank god for Verizon’s free nights and weekends, otherwise my phone bill would have been through the roof. But that didn’t make up for the lack of physical interaction. I found my solace in music.

As I am sure some of you remember, Abingdon Boys School released their first album that October. I loved it…and my girlfriend did too, which was amazing. We rarely shared tasted in music, so to be able to share something like this was really special. But that isn’t what made the memory with this album.

Skip ahead to late October (maybe early November, its been awhile). I had the chance to go up to my family hunting cabin for the weekend, which was only about an hour away from my girlfriend’s college and deep in the woods. After some convincing, I managed to persuade my parents in to letting me pick her up and allowing her to spend the weekend together with us at the cabin. After waiting for about 4 months and 3 hours of driving in anticipation, I met her in what was maybe the best hug of my life. We drove back to my family’s cabin, and Abingdon Boy School quickly fell in to place as the sound track of our weekend.

The pleasant warmth of the sun in the cool air, the burnt orange and vibrant yellow on the trees, and the powerful vocals and guitar of radiating out of my car’s speakers all seemed to meld so perfectly together. The synergy of it all, combined with the shear bliss of finally seeing the person I had missed so dearly, just burned the entire weekend in to my memory.
 

 

 

To this day, whenever I listen to a track off of ABS’s self-titled, I think of that special fall weekend…the glorious weather, the delightful romance of a young couple, and the pure joy of music. I think about what we had and I how wonderful it had been. I think about how things have changed. I think about her. I think about innocence. And I think about fall.



Ok, now it’s your turn! You really don’t have to be as elaborate as me (or as sappy lol), but I look forward to reading your replies!

[hiroki 5521]

Thank you for sharing your amazing experience. It was a great pleasure to read ^^

 

 

There are some songs that bring back a lot of memories for me, but probably none more so than vistlip’s songs. I will have to preface the music of my all-time favorite band with a condensed version of my “memory”.

I remember being in my second year of college then, leading nothing more and nothing less than the life of an average undergraduate. Here, college is a ridiculously disenchanting affair – most people you meet, professors included, are only interested in making money, or being “successful” (whatever that might mean, I still haven’t figured out) even at the cost of being happy. Probably the one thing that I could distinctly recall from that period was the overwhelming sense of loneliness – it’s the sort of thing which no one overtly talks about, but probably almost everyone around me was silently tortured by.

Between visual kei and my books (probably the two things I only ever need to survive), I felt that my life has always still been somewhat incomplete and lacking a certain something. Most of my friends had gone overseas for college, but I was vehemently against getting a scholarship like them because I never liked to be “bonded” to a company I had no interest in. One fine day, I found out that one of my best friends was returning for 2 weeks and wanted to meet up and chat. Of course, I was elated, and couldn’t wait to see him.

Yet, when we finally met that night, it felt so… different. I mean, we used to be incredibly close pals, staying over at each other’s places regularly and literally had no secrets between us. But somehow, when you interpolate a period of 2 years between then and now, suddenly everything changed. I wouldn’t say that we felt like total strangers, but there was an awkward discomfort throughout the entire conversation, and neither of us was oblivious to it. Today, unfortunately, we hardly talk anymore and it's a real shame.

Now I have already been a visual kei fan for at least 10 years, and there are several bands I greatly adore. But I always found vistlip’s lyrics to be the most genuinely Romantic (NOT “romantic” in the contemporary, highly watered-down sense) and resonates the most with my own temperament and in line with how I view the world. In their music I find all the beautiful themes of overreaching, of the capacity to be in middle states (the world isn’t just black and white), of the stoic individual who resists the tyranny of “oughts” and “musts”.

Of all these motifs in vistlip's music, one stands out for me – the nostalgia for lost time. I realized that no matter how close someone might be to you now, there is always the danger of time washing it away. The past is what it is – something that will remain irretrievable regardless of what you do.

But in its place, we have memory (another big theme of a lot of vistlip’s music). No matter how imperfect or how unreliable, our memory is the only means by which we can re-live every event, trivial or important, in our lost experience. Even now, everytime I hear a song like Kageoni etc., I'm immediately reminded of the great times I had, and how fortunate I was to have met all the wonderful people who had entered and left my life.
 

[Peace Heavy mk II 7200]

I tie music to memories all the time. In fact, that's how I remember what was going during my life.

 

For example, when I was having trouble in my last relationship a year ago, I listened to Kneuklid Romance a lot, as well as Neil. At that time, I was going to school in Rochester NY while working in Buffalo (which are both in the same state, just an hour and a half apart from each other). I had to make that drive at least 3 times a week, back and forth, and had a lot of time to think to myself while driving. I vividly remember wondering if things would get better, if my patience would pay off, and if I'd ever feel 'whole' again. I associate the songs I listened to by both bands with optimism and perseverance. 

 

While at school, I had to do a lot of walking. The distance between where I lived on campus and where my classes were is about a half mile, one way. As you could imagine, that's kind of a long walk and it gave me about 20 minutes or so  to listen to music while traveling. I remember what points of school I was in based on what I listened to most. Deluhi's "Two Hurt" was big for me when I just started college; I listened to Enya a lot when I was stressing out about exams; 'Panic Attack' by Dream Theater reminds me a lot of my roommates I had from my 2nd and 3rd years; Vivaldi's 'Ete -- Presto' remind me a lot of struggling with whatever depression I was combating last summer. The list goes on and on, but I definitely use music as marker for different times in my life.

[Karma’s Hat 3107]

After I lost my virginity I was joyfully skipping my way home while listening to Deg. 

[accede 3]

I don't know what I would do without music as I have it playing almost 24/7. I'm a musician myself (drummer) so maybe that's what draws me into music so much.

 

I lack a big emotional connection to a certain group like you have stated, but I do personally know a handful of local bands that have made it big if that counts.

[CELESTIAL CIEL 985]

All my bad memories belong to awesome music.

[digi 192]

Oh god. Where do I even begin.

 

I have this one really awesome memory relating to SEX-ANDROID, but that'd take a whole book to write.

If I had to share one though......

It was about 2 or 3 years ago. I got to meet one of my best friends, that I still cherish till today. (MollyMouse)

And if I hadn't went into that chat room then my life would've been so different. I'm really glad I did. I remember going to her Hatena profile and seeing some of her posts involving Aicle and X Japan etc etc and I was like WAIT AM I DREAMING??? 

Since barely anyone on that site even knew about Vkei.

I pretty much freaked out to her. HOLY SHIT YOU LIKE AICLE TOO????!!??

And that, ladies and gentleman, is my best memory relating to music. 

Our music tastes literally made us best friends.

[Guest MollyMouse]

Ehehehehe now I have to write one >W<

OK WHERE TO START!

The best memory of mine would have to be meeting my best friend (digitalneverlandx). 

HaHa I met her and my life got SO much better! Before that I had felt like nobody out there would be like me or understand me , but because of VK I met my bestfriend and found out I was wrong ;w;! All of my best memories with music are with her >W< Fangirling , crying over , and just discussing various vk and osharekei bands!

I could go on and on but I dont want to get into too many sappy stories and feels >w<

Music has lead me to so many good things in my life ^w^ even things and people that I would be miserable without <3

[digi 192]

Ehehehehe now I have to write one >W<

OK WHERE TO START!

The best memory of mine would have to be meeting my best friend (digitalneverlandx). 

HaHa I met her and my life got SO much better! Before that I had felt like nobody out there would be like me or understand me , but because of VK I met my bestfriend and found out I was wrong ;w;! All of my best memories with music are with her >W< Fangirling , crying over , and just discussing various vk and osharekei bands!

I could go on and on but I dont want to get into too many sappy stories and feels >w<

Music has lead me to so many good things in my life ^w^ even things and people that I would be miserable without <3

SEE GUYS THIS IS PURE LOVE

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

[Zeus 7997]

Music and memories? Well there's nothing better than THIS ALBUM RIGHT HERE:

 

 

 

 

If you were a kid growing up in the 90's and you had anyone even remotely cool in your life to put you on to anime, you should know why. I really do think Toonami was an integral part in forming my love for electronic music. Ignition is my theme song (no, not THAT Ignition) and Walking Stick is still my jam...16 years later. The music isn't that great. The album flew under the radar of many people due to poor advertising on Toonami's part which followed with their replacement with Miguzi. It's the memories that it digs up. When Gundams Are On Earth play, I just remember the CGI animation of The Absolution as TOM walks down to take his seat whilst clips of the show play. I remember small, excited me who rushed through 3 hours worth of homework just to catch my guilty pleasure Sailor Moon at 4. Dragonball Z itself could take up pages upon pages of my autobiography.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRmZgBYSO7s

 

Yeah, memories.

[Ito 2438]

hiroki01, thanks for sharing that one. I'm really happy you were able to share a novel like mine XD I honestly have never connected with the lyrics of most of the music I listen to...but that's because I usually never both to look up the translations. But sometimes when I listen to stuff in English it can hit me that way as well. I think the next story that I am going to tell is going to involve lyrics (or maybe I will save that one of a little bit...it kind of saddens me).

Peace, yeah, I totally hear ya one listen to a lot of music while traveling. I drive 45 minutes one way to work so I usually have a lot of time to sit by myself in my own thoughts while listening to music. Coincidentally, that's how I came up with the idea for this thread lol.

Digital and Molly...Suck ups

Zess...omg, right in the feels, dude. This video still gives me goosebumps all over.

"You going to just keep running away?!?"

"just keep running away? I'm not running."

[sai 868]

Aww, these are really fun to read. I doubt I have much to contribute though. All of my music is linked to bad moments, hardly with any happy moments.

[TheBistroButcher666 228]

I definitely associate music with illustrations and other projects I've worked on. I'll look back at something and be like, shit son I listened to so much Eins:Vier when I drew that thing.

 

It's hard to come up with specific memories, I'd have to go through all my music and just listen to it and see if something comes back. However one thing I can remember off the top of my head. Couple years ago drove across several states with my Mom because she has a fear of flying (fear as in she doesn't want to take her weed on the plane). I remember looking out at the endless farmland and listening to the shit out of some La Feerie. Whenever 目覚メノトキ　〜覚醒サレタモウ一人ノXx〜 comes on I can picture the endless fields of rural Idaho perfectly.

[Jigsaw9 6783]

I can't put it as eloquently as some of you guys did, so here's a short list of random memory fragments:

 

BUCK-TICK's song GALAXY reminds me of a particularly good new year's eve party, tho at the same time reminds me of my girlfriend at the time and how everything was so good (obviously I'm single now), so you can say it's a kind of ambivalently bittersweet and/or melancholic feel.

 

I bought the Smile album by Boris while on a trip in Scotland, so listening to it (especially the more moody and droning tracks) makes me recall the slightly chilly and rainy days my family and I spent there, the long drives looking at the awesome green hills and mountain scenery while raindrops beat against the car windows.

 

Listening to Merry's Peep Show album always makes me remember the awesome time I had on my first "let's go to another country and see a gig!" type of journey when me and a bunch of friends went to Germany by train to see Merry's concert. Fun times, even despite the br00tal train ride, lol.

[RoseOfHizaki 131]

Well.... I dont have a 'song-for-the-moment' but certain songs just suddenly remind me of things. either of people I loved or knew/was close to or places ive been. I can only really think of one off the top of my head (my mind is a little disorganised like that...) so I will add that for now and include some more later as i start remembering them.

 

 

 

One of my most heartbreaking memories was when I broke up with my gf of 4 years which Ive partially gone into in the single peoples thread

We met on a chatroom thing and we kinda got talking, we were talking for at least 3-4years before we decided to meet up but m heart kinda fell for her before we even met, I live in london and shes like 3hrs train ride away from me up north somewhere. I was working at the time so going to visit her wasnt that much of a problem though train tickets here in the UK are beyond extortionate. 

 

Met up a few times (at my expense of course - She was 18 and didnt have a job at that time cuz she was still in 6th form or in college) and we both enjoyed our time together so I asked her to be mine one day, like random off the bat thing and I was very very shy about it back then but I really really really loved and wanted her and she was totally my little cuddle bunny till things went sour.

 

Her name was Emma, but I called her Emmybear cuz that kinda made her go silent every time I called her that - Its like one of them words that make your heart stop ya know? and it had that kind of effect on her. And she loved to cuddle so i used to cuddle and hug the shit out of her when we met up - hence the pet name Emmybear.

 

I met her parents, they seemed to like me and we got on just fine, I think they liked me even more because her dad plays bass, little brother plays drums and she played a little guitar, and because i was a musician I kinda fit in with her family.

 

Things were great over the next few years between me and Emma but unfortunately things werent so good with her parents,  they started arguing and fighting a lot, mum tried to push dad down the stairs and dad found out that wife was an alcoholic that owed a 'friend' a lot of money.

 

During this time I took time off work to make more visits to make sure emma was fine, I tried to get both parents to talk things over rather than kill each other but since im an outsider theres only so much I can do to help. Sadly the situation didnt improve and they eventually separated and Emma was totally heartbroken. There wasnt anything I could do or say to make her feel better and things just started going downhill from then on. she started to isolate herself from everyone and wanted to lock everyone out of her life. I stuck by her all through her parents break up and still carried on being there for her when she started pushing me away from her saying she didnt feel 'ready' for a relationship.

 

till this day im not sure If it was the truth or not but i had a huge suspicion that she was just after a way to break up the relationship. Before the issue with her parents ending up in an epic train crash of all train crashes, I said to her that I 'felt' deep inside that she was my soulmate when we were having a cuddle, whether she believed in the whole soulmate thing or not is anybody's guess but i thought she was because she was big on the whole astrology thing. Anyway, she avoided answering me and changed the subject and Instantly picked up on it but let the subject drop instead of letting it ruin the mood but It was always in the back of my mind because I thought she felt the same way about me.

 

Anyway - shit happened. parents tried to kill each other, got separated and she was totally devastated. I stuck by her and comforted her at every opportunity i got and I still persisted even when she started pushing me away and i carried on persisting, trying to get her to talk and open up to me. but she wanted to put us on hold and to have her own space for a bit so I stopped seeing her. We still kept talking on the phone and texting each other but that kind of faded out and then somewhere along the line I hit depression in a big way because I felt that I had failed both of us. 

 

In my previous relationship it was dating a girl who also lived outside of london, I didnt have much money back then so I couldnt go see her as much as i wanted to so that relationship failed and I swore to myself that I would never let myself suffer like that again and that determination drove me forward.

 

 And here I was.... getting close to £400 p/w, NEVER short of cash and still back in the same boat lost at sea with torn sails, rotting hull and oars that are too small to row myself to salvation in waves that would even hide moby dick if he thought he was a flying fish. 

 

I lost my job. I locked myself away and didnt want to deal with people anymore.  and I was totally doomed. I had completely no more hope in life but i couldnt bring myself to commit suicide because I was such a fucking coward.

 

And i lost everything, couldnt pay bills, had repo men knocking at my door. and all i could do was sit indoors and cry about how worthless my life was.

 

First year of depression was bad, second year it was a little better, third year i felt mentally stable enough to attempt to pull myself out of the deep dark hole and try and recover what was left of my life and start all over again. 

 

If you've been unemployed for 3 years or longer here in the UK, finding a job is like crawling through shit because nobody can account for where you've been or what youve done and employers need to know this or they wont hire you because you pose a security risk or they will think youre some sort of degenerate scum too lazy and happy to sit back and collect handouts from the government. 

 

I did manage to get a job eventually when I was for another 5 years before losing it due to budget cuts but thats a story for a different time.... 

 

During the 5years I worked for this company I was contacted by my ex who had went through a lot just to get in touch with me as i had changed my number a few times since the break up. She had just left hospital after trying to commit suicide, we got talking again but never met up in person - filled me in on the goings on since our break up which most of the details are covered in my single persons post. Never talked about the past and I just tried to be a friend to her even though I still loved her inside though if she didnt want me I wouldnt really care so long as we were friends and i could be a creeper and watch her from afar. Sadly that fantasy was short lived as she started to ignore me again.

 

When i finally got her to talk to me, she said she didnt want to fall for me again and she could feel it happening,

 

Not really the answer I was looking for, neither does it answer any of my questions regarding our break up but after being in depression for so long over her I just didnt really care enough to give any fucks anymore even though the thing about her being cheated on by a married guy hurt me inside a little but the other part of me inside just kept screaming at me inside that she deserved it.

 

Well, I talked to her a little longer, Said I was in a position where I could transfer to a different office to be closer to her and get our own apartment yadayadayada if she still wanted to have another try.

 

Obviously she didnt and we parted ways again. 

 

-- I made a video of her and uploaded it to my old YT channel because I wanted a memory to be floating around somewhere on the net and hoped that one day she might stumble across it. Unfortunately that channel got harpooned by a bunch of copyright trolls and blocked but the song i used is

 because the (translated) lyrics spoke to  my heart and very much reminded me of her. I still have the video on my NAS so i might re-upload it at somepoint. but its really nothing special - just a karaoke with japanese and translated english lyrics with her picture in the background after a brief introduction at the start of the video.

 

late last year i started listening to an Aussie death/symphonic metal band called 'Make Them Suffer' and they have this song called

which greatly describes my exact feelings and thoughts i was having every day during the first year of breakup when i went into depression. The aggression in the song and the vocals describes my thoughts and feelings perfectly. It just makes me think of her every time i hear it...

 

 

Oh, And

 was classed as 'our song' when we were together because of the distance between us.

[Pretsy 1343]

Kinda interesting to read some positive memories in the midst of bittersweet drama related to your "flashback" hits and stuff. Seems like I am the only one who has experienced only passive breakup...

 

I am being subtle about my memory-related song and post a link to it:

 

http://vimeo.com/69100984

 

This song has cheered me up when I was either down or just plainly pissed off for something (it still does ) I can remember myself jamming along to this hit as a kiddio when I had no chance to hang around with friends during new year's eve....

 

(In terms of PV, I didn't give any symbolic meaning to it when I was younger (except that I took Ken's look there as a "main principle" of my must-looks.../metrosexual issues)

BUT now that I've mustered some good and bad experience, I might say that PV above represented certain phases (as PV shows, negative ones) that I had to go through in my lifetime - it helped me to judge and think over my deeds alot, so yeah, a helpful song in both ways. I am sorry for railing with such off-topic things, lel.)

[Peace Heavy mk II 7200]

Laruku's "Blurry Eyes" remind me a lot of a yearly fair my school used to have. I listened to that song a lot doing a very tumultuous part of my life--I was starting to be less shy, was slowly coming out to myself, and was finally making new friends after switching schools. I guess that event holds as a transitional period for myself, so I hold a lot of good memories with that song. The fact that the music video also took place on fairgrounds also helps me make an association between the two as well.

[RoseOfHizaki 131]

My memories better with flashbacks lol. Im 28 but I can still remember a chick i dated back in highschool when i was 16 or something - we broke up because people started rumors and rather than talk to her i decided to keep her out of it - If people had issues they could come speak to me, not go after someone i cared for.

 

I never had the balls to explain or say i was sorry and I hung on to that all the way through school, through college and pretty much throughout the Emma saga till I randomly bumped into her in the street when on the way to work, Called in said i would be a little late and took her for a coffee and a long awaited apology, Ive been waiting 8-12 years just to apologise and i never once forgot about her.

 

I tried dating her again after that, we were both single after all. but she was playing hard to get like me holding on to a 12 year apology wasnt good enough but it was just something I had to get off my chest... 

I didnt mind anyway but she wouldnt give me her number as she wanted me to work for it.

 

Sadly the company she worked for relocated down the road to another property and i never saw her again. I dont know if she was transfered to work elsewhere but I havent seen her again nor has she knocked on my door and she knows exactly where i live.

 

I think it was fate that we met again otherwise she would of kept haunting me.

 

 

Such is life, Some of us are born to walk this earth forever alone.

[orangetarts 249]

This is gonna sound so....corny? I dont know.

But all I remember was that I was in 10th grade and I was living with my older sister and her psycho ass (now ex) girlfriend 

My mom and I were fighting all the time and I was just really depressed. At that moment I was seriously contemplating suicide (i promise this gets better)

and I guess I had sat on the remote for my stereo or something and the CD I happened to have in there was SHOCKWAVE THE SELECT and the song that started playing just /happened/ to be KuRt's supparation...and I dont know, I just felt like.. wow i can totally get through this because I have awesome music to help me.

 

/end cheese

 

but yeah, music has always been the one thing that never walked away from me in my life, so i always hold it so dear to my heart <3

[Ito 2438]

Couple years ago drove across several states with my Mom because she has a fear of flying (fear as in she doesn't want to take her weed on the plane). I remember looking out at the endless farmland and listening to the shit out of some La Feerie. Whenever 目覚メノトキ　〜覚醒サレタモウ一人ノXx〜 comes on I can picture the endless fields of rural Idaho perfectly.

LOL

That is a kind of hilarious reason to not want to fly.

 

Listening to Merry's Peep Show album always makes me remember the awesome time I had on my first "let's go to another country and see a gig!" type of journey when me and a bunch of friends went to Germany by train to see Merry's concert. Fun times, even despite the br00tal train ride, lol.

God, I wish I had that kind of opportunity lol. Here in the US, public transportation just isn't that way...if I want to go to a show, I pretty much need to drive. Furthest I have ever driven for a show was about 3 or so hours, which really isn't that big of a deal. That's probably because I just don't really have any friends near me that are in to my kind of music nearly as much as I do...that and when bands come that I do want to see, it is usually a 14 hour drive minimum XD

 

Well.... I dont have a 'song-for-the-moment' but certain songs just suddenly remind me of things. either of people I loved or knew/was close to or places ive been. I can only really think of one off the top of my head (my mind is a little disorganised like that...) so I will add that for now and include some more later as i start remembering them.

 

 

 

One of my most heartbreaking memories was when I broke up with my gf of 4 years which Ive partially gone into in the single peoples thread

We met on a chatroom thing and we kinda got talking, we were talking for at least 3-4years before we decided to meet up but m heart kinda fell for her before we even met, I live in london and shes like 3hrs train ride away from me up north somewhere. I was working at the time so going to visit her wasnt that much of a problem though train tickets here in the UK are beyond extortionate. 

 

Met up a few times (at my expense of course - She was 18 and didnt have a job at that time cuz she was still in 6th form or in college) and we both enjoyed our time together so I asked her to be mine one day, like random off the bat thing and I was very very shy about it back then but I really really really loved and wanted her and she was totally my little cuddle bunny till things went sour.

 

Her name was Emma, but I called her Emmybear cuz that kinda made her go silent every time I called her that - Its like one of them words that make your heart stop ya know? and it had that kind of effect on her. And she loved to cuddle so i used to cuddle and hug the shit out of her when we met up - hence the pet name Emmybear.

 

I met her parents, they seemed to like me and we got on just fine, I think they liked me even more because her dad plays bass, little brother plays drums and she played a little guitar, and because i was a musician I kinda fit in with her family.

 

Things were great over the next few years between me and Emma but unfortunately things werent so good with her parents,  they started arguing and fighting a lot, mum tried to push dad down the stairs and dad found out that wife was an alcoholic that owed a 'friend' a lot of money.

 

During this time I took time off work to make more visits to make sure emma was fine, I tried to get both parents to talk things over rather than kill each other but since im an outsider theres only so much I can do to help. Sadly the situation didnt improve and they eventually separated and Emma was totally heartbroken. There wasnt anything I could do or say to make her feel better and things just started going downhill from then on. she started to isolate herself from everyone and wanted to lock everyone out of her life. I stuck by her all through her parents break up and still carried on being there for her when she started pushing me away from her saying she didnt feel 'ready' for a relationship.

 

till this day im not sure If it was the truth or not but i had a huge suspicion that she was just after a way to break up the relationship. Before the issue with her parents ending up in an epic train crash of all train crashes, I said to her that I 'felt' deep inside that she was my soulmate when we were having a cuddle, whether she believed in the whole soulmate thing or not is anybody's guess but i thought she was because she was big on the whole astrology thing. Anyway, she avoided answering me and changed the subject and Instantly picked up on it but let the subject drop instead of letting it ruin the mood but It was always in the back of my mind because I thought she felt the same way about me.

 

Anyway - shit happened. parents tried to kill each other, got separated and she was totally devastated. I stuck by her and comforted her at every opportunity i got and I still persisted even when she started pushing me away and i carried on persisting, trying to get her to talk and open up to me. but she wanted to put us on hold and to have her own space for a bit so I stopped seeing her. We still kept talking on the phone and texting each other but that kind of faded out and then somewhere along the line I hit depression in a big way because I felt that I had failed both of us. 

 

In my previous relationship it was dating a girl who also lived outside of london, I didnt have much money back then so I couldnt go see her as much as i wanted to so that relationship failed and I swore to myself that I would never let myself suffer like that again and that determination drove me forward.

 

 And here I was.... getting close to £400 p/w, NEVER short of cash and still back in the same boat lost at sea with torn sails, rotting hull and oars that are too small to row myself to salvation in waves that would even hide moby dick if he thought he was a flying fish. 

 

I lost my job. I locked myself away and didnt want to deal with people anymore.  and I was totally doomed. I had completely no more hope in life but i couldnt bring myself to commit suicide because I was such a fucking coward.

 

And i lost everything, couldnt pay bills, had repo men knocking at my door. and all i could do was sit indoors and cry about how worthless my life was.

 

First year of depression was bad, second year it was a little better, third year i felt mentally stable enough to attempt to pull myself out of the deep dark hole and try and recover what was left of my life and start all over again. 

 

If you've been unemployed for 3 years or longer here in the UK, finding a job is like crawling through shit because nobody can account for where you've been or what youve done and employers need to know this or they wont hire you because you pose a security risk or they will think youre some sort of degenerate scum too lazy and happy to sit back and collect handouts from the government. 

 

I did manage to get a job eventually when I was for another 5 years before losing it due to budget cuts but thats a story for a different time.... 

 

During the 5years I worked for this company I was contacted by my ex who had went through a lot just to get in touch with me as i had changed my number a few times since the break up. She had just left hospital after trying to commit suicide, we got talking again but never met up in person - filled me in on the goings on since our break up which most of the details are covered in my single persons post. Never talked about the past and I just tried to be a friend to her even though I still loved her inside though if she didnt want me I wouldnt really care so long as we were friends and i could be a creeper and watch her from afar. Sadly that fantasy was short lived as she started to ignore me again.

 

When i finally got her to talk to me, she said she didnt want to fall for me again and she could feel it happening,

 

Not really the answer I was looking for, neither does it answer any of my questions regarding our break up but after being in depression for so long over her I just didnt really care enough to give any fucks anymore even though the thing about her being cheated on by a married guy hurt me inside a little but the other part of me inside just kept screaming at me inside that she deserved it.

 

Well, I talked to her a little longer, Said I was in a position where I could transfer to a different office to be closer to her and get our own apartment yadayadayada if she still wanted to have another try.

 

Obviously she didnt and we parted ways again. 

 

-- I made a video of her and uploaded it to my old YT channel because I wanted a memory to be floating around somewhere on the net and hoped that one day she might stumble across it. Unfortunately that channel got harpooned by a bunch of copyright trolls and blocked but the song i used is Yuna Ito - Endless Story because the (translated) lyrics spoke to  my heart and very much reminded me of her. I still have the video on my NAS so i might re-upload it at somepoint. but its really nothing special - just a karaoke with japanese and translated english lyrics with her picture in the background after a brief introduction at the start of the video.

 

late last year i started listening to an Aussie death/symphonic metal band called 'Make Them Suffer' and they have this song called 'Elegies' which greatly describes my exact feelings and thoughts i was having every day during the first year of breakup when i went into depression. The aggression in the song and the vocals describes my thoughts and feelings perfectly. It just makes me think of her every time i hear it...

 

 

Oh, And Nickleback's 'So Far Away' was classed as 'our song' when we were together because of the distance between us.

Shit dude, that was heavy...not sure what to say in reply to it because nothing can quite do it justice. The only thing I have to say is that not committing suicide is NOT being cowardly. Life is fucking hard sometime and sticking through it was way more brave than having a small boost of misplaced drive...So I just leave it at that.

but yeah, music has always been the one thing that never walked away from me in my life, so i always hold it so dear to my heart <3

Fucking this. It's almost odd in a way, music seems to do more for me when I am down than it does when things are going well. It's almost like some times the music does a better job of understanding you than any words ever could.

[hiroki 5521]

Fucking this. It's almost odd in a way, music seems to do more for me when I am down than it does when things are going well. It's almost like some times the music does a better job of understanding you than any words ever could.

 

This actually reminds me of something a literature professor used to say in one of my classes - that some literary works aren't "great" just cuz they are profound or impossibly opaque, or whatever.. but because they are porous - allowing every single reader to make the text their own in his/her very unique way.

 

I guess this is equally applicable to good music in general. Sometimes when we listen to a song, something (usually trivial) just seizes us in a very personal and very magical way. But at the same time you're pretty sure no one else can identify what exactly this "feeling" is..

[RoseOfHizaki 131]

Shit dude, that was heavy...not sure what to say in reply to it because nothing can quite do it justice. The only thing I have to say is that not committing suicide is NOT being cowardly. Life is fucking hard sometime and sticking through it was way more brave than having a small boost of misplaced drive...So I just leave it at that.

 

 

And another sad thing in all this? She will never know how broken i was after we split. We never spoke about it, Infact she didnt even tell me about her getting duped by the married guy - One of her friends had to fill me in on the goings on and I never said anything to her about it because I knew she didnt want to talk about it. I don't think she ever planned to tell me about it.

 

She really did make a big effort to track me down though, I think i musta changed my number at least 2-3 (maybe even 4) times after breakup and she still managed to find me, Probably asking a few of the people I used to pal around with on facebook and what not.

 

For a moment I was happy she was back and I almost felt complete again but she was obviously just looking for some sympathy as she started ignoring me all over again. I didnt believe her excuse either. We've spent close to 4 years apart without a single word, both gone through crap along the way which made you/her actually attempt suicide (and fail) and here we are talking, trying to catch up and youre worried about falling for me again to the point where you dont want to talk to me anymore? Alrighty.....

 

 

I cant remember if i said enough was enough, and that next time she managed to contact me (if she ever managed to again) that I wouldnt be as welcoming. I think I was just totally heartless and really didnt care  no more but here is our last official exchange...

 

Me: Its very unfortunate that its come to this, but with the way things were it was turning out to be very unfair for me despite multiple efforts to prevent it.

no doubt you probably have no idea what im on about. but it doesnt matter anymore.

because of this, I think it would be best that I (Or we even) left it at that & kept everything about us/each other a memory.

good luck with everything, & I hope you eventually find what you're looking for & desire most in life.

Miss you loads,

Elliott.

P.S

Its alright, Im not expecting a reply so theres no need to trouble yourself x

 

 

Me: The thing that bothers me the most, is why you decided to get in touch with me again if you never planned to talk me in the first place.

Ive always susspected that you got back in touch on a whim. you didnt want to do it, but you felt the need to apologise about what happend them years ago.

at least your mind is free from it now. though its laughable that you dont respect me enough to respond to me at all. you've changed an aweful lot. & not for the better either.

when you got back in touch, I wasnt expecting anything to happen. I didnt care if we were just friends talking. but youve pushed me beyond that. you ignore me, If that was your plan at the start then maybe i should have been less welcoming when you first got in contact with me.

 

Her: I never wanted to hurt you. And I've been very cold i know. I'm no just at games. I'm no good at keeping you at arms length. Thats what i wanted but i took it too far. Didn't want to fall for you again 

 

Me: Trust me, you couldnt hurt me anymore then what happend back then. given our history you could have it least been more honest & up front with me with what you really wanted. maybe even listened to what I had to say. thats a really nice way to treat someone whose supposedly been waiting for you to return for 3 years. Or maybe I was in the wrong for telling you that I waited, that I never really stopped wondering where you were & how you were doing. I dont need you to fall for me, I dont need anyone.

 

actually. about honesty - Ive been trying to get a permie place at Royal Mail then transfer to leeds so I could be close to you, that was the initial plan but I guess its definately not viable anymore  on both ends of the line. lol shame on me

 

 

Her: I don't know what you want me to say . . . 

 

Me: Well, If u want me to leave you be, thats fine with me. its been that way for so long already so why fix it if it aint broke. but it was really good to hear from you again after so long...

 

 

And thus comes another end to another drama.

[usuxorz 30]

If this post is tldr, then skip to the last paragraph.

 

 

Music has always been my outlet. Linkin Park and Papa Roach are two examples of artists that I could listen to and somehow manage my out-of-control emotions, but my heart was always with metal. A friend of mine introduced me to jrock, but I never paid it much attention because American artists were so much easier to access (besides, she sent me a picture and I wondered wtf was wrong with the vk band members XD). Slayer was always my last resort when it came to music because their music never failed to help me stabilize.

Slayer was almost an integral part of my life back then. Actually, I even met my daughter's father at a Slayer concert. He was also an avid fan, even covering several of their songs on guitar and using their titles as his screen names. We had quite a whirlwind start for our relationship, but in the end he was just using me the way I used music. We broke up on my birthday, but still went to see a Slayer concert together a few days later. Kinda funny how we both met and parted at a Slayer concert. ;; I was already unknowingly pregnant when we broke up (not that knowing would've changed anything).

Despite drama and stress from him and his friends, I had a very happy pregnancy. I never needed music to make me feel better because just putting my hand on my growing stomach was extremely soothing. Unfortunately, my pregnant sister and her family (then husband and her 2 sons) had been living with us. My sister and I never really had that great of a relationship and things only got worse this time. Her husband kept getting fired from the easiest of jobs (even ones where he was hired as a favor), was stealing from the household, wasting her hard-earned money, and went out of his way to NOT do any household chores. She couldn't get mad at him (she was in a custody battle with her ex over their sons and courts prefer stable marriages to single parents), so she'd take it out on me; mentally, emotionally, verbally, financially, and even physically. I could only endure it because of the little miracle growing inside of me.

My sister was further along than I was, so she had her kid before I did. That just made things worse because her husband didn't really want to be a father and never did anything to take care of his daughter. My sister expected my father and I to take care of all 3 of her kids for her, including feeding, bathing, entertaining/supervising, and tutoring them. Because my sister is the stereotypical blond bimbo, she'd often leave for work without expressing milk (and was adamantly against formula) so I ended up having to wet nurse my niece at various times over a span of 2 months (because the only other option was to let her starve ).

My sister's husband left her on December 26th, after receiving several hundred dollars in presents from her. About 2 weeks later I had my daughter. My sister's abuse only intensified after these events. She moved out in February, after telling her church that I had thrown my barely 1 month old daughter against the wall. Some elderly bitch at the church called me and tried to get me to confess my "sins" to her over the phone. I told her A. I have no sins to confess and B. she is legally required by law to report suspected child abuse otherwise she could be face charges as well. She eventually shut the fuck up and called the police like I told her to; an officer was at my front door no more than 10 minutes later. I still remember him to this day: in his late 30s, slightly husky, white in his beard, and not a single hint of maliciousness in his eyes. He commented that my daughter didn't even have scratches on her face, unlike his own kid. He found out it was my sister who started the false report and put a giant, comforting hand on my shoulder before leaving. No matter how much music I listened to, nothing could stop my from shaking in anger and betrayal.

Not even my daughter's crying could jolt my soul. With just this information, some people would think it was "just" postpartum depression, but I had already met with my doctors to check for it (and met with them again after that incident) and I was given a clear bill of health (both times). I don't know how much later, but days later I just put my music on shuffle, hid under the desk, curled up into a ball, and cried while listening to the music. Linkin Park meant nothing. Pink meant nothing. Papa Roach meant nothing. Slayer meant nothing. Slayer was useless to my soul. Slayer, my last resort, did nothing. And then it happened, a song came on that helped wash away the hurt, pain, anger, and numbness. I'll be damned if I remember which song, but I'll never forget the band; it was Dir en grey.

[Seimeisen 4406]

I'm somewhat of a vapid misanthrope, so not many of my memories with music involve people or relationships... that I can immediately think of. A lot of my memories with music involve being on the road.

For example, Katatonia's "Viva Emptiness:" it was November 2011, super early in the morning, I was on a trip with my family to Arizona, while this album was playing I was feeling all sorts of confusing emotions, thinking about how I haven't made the progress in life that I wanted to make, essentially feeling hopeless about the future, while masking it all with a blank face, and I watched the sun rise. It was pitch dark when the first song "Ghost of the Sun" began, and the sun was shining over the car on the freeway as the final song "Inside the City of Glass" faded out. I always remember that as I listen to this album, and the song "Rusted" from the band's later album "The Great Cold Distance" reminds me of the trip back, riding through the fog at 1 AM.

I never usually have memories this vivid (not to say the memory above is all that vivid). But sometimes when I hear an album, I think about what was going through my head, what was around me when I heard that album for the first time. I also tend to use music and memories as a way of personal record-keeping. A lot of these memories are vague ones of being on a road trip, times of the year (like, semesters in school), or sometimes playing video games!

One song, SUICIDE ALI's "燃ゆる炎," brings two separate events to mind

- Playing the fire side of Hailfire Peaks (a level in Banjo-Tooie)

- Taking an algebra test last year and bombing the life out of it. The weather was hot, I was nervous all day, and my failure on the test left me a bit depressed for a few more days.

But more on video games:

Super Mario Galaxy: for awhile, whenever I would play this, I'd always put on some "old-school" Dir en grey. So whenever I listen to MISSA or GAUZE, I'm reminded of this game. I hear the chorus of 霧と繭, and I see Mario soaring through a black sky full of star bits.

 

And a few days ago, I listened to "TANATOS" by 9GOATS BLACK OUT (for the very first time) while playing SMG2. So, when I listen to that album in the future, I expect to think about Mario throwing fire at ice sculptures and manoeuvring around a carpet being chewed up by a skull-thingy. I expect 優しさの意味 to remind me of completing that infernal ghost galaxy (can't remember the name; too lazy to look it up)

The Forest Temple of Zelda's Twilight Princess comes to mind when I listen to early '90s Opeth, especially Morningrise; whenever I hear Black Rose Immortal, I always think of saving monkeys and killing big ass spiders.

There's much more for video games ( ), the list could go on...

[Ito 2438]

If this post is tldr, then skip to the last paragraph.

 

 

Music has always been my outlet. Linkin Park and Papa Roach are two examples of artists that I could listen to and somehow manage my out-of-control emotions, but my heart was always with metal. A friend of mine introduced me to jrock, but I never paid it much attention because American artists were so much easier to access (besides, she sent me a picture and I wondered wtf was wrong with the vk band members XD). Slayer was always my last resort when it came to music because their music never failed to help me stabilize.

Slayer was almost an integral part of my life back then. Actually, I even met my daughter's father at a Slayer concert. He was also an avid fan, even covering several of their songs on guitar and using their titles as his screen names. We had quite a whirlwind start for our relationship, but in the end he was just using me the way I used music. We broke up on my birthday, but still went to see a Slayer concert together a few days later. Kinda funny how we both met and parted at a Slayer concert. ;; I was already unknowingly pregnant when we broke up (not that knowing would've changed anything).

Despite drama and stress from him and his friends, I had a very happy pregnancy. I never needed music to make me feel better because just putting my hand on my growing stomach was extremely soothing. Unfortunately, my pregnant sister and her family (then husband and her 2 sons) had been living with us. My sister and I never really had that great of a relationship and things only got worse this time. Her husband kept getting fired from the easiest of jobs (even ones where he was hired as a favor), was stealing from the household, wasting her hard-earned money, and went out of his way to NOT do any household chores. She couldn't get mad at him (she was in a custody battle with her ex over their sons and courts prefer stable marriages to single parents), so she'd take it out on me; mentally, emotionally, verbally, financially, and even physically. I could only endure it because of the little miracle growing inside of me.

My sister was further along than I was, so she had her kid before I did. That just made things worse because her husband didn't really want to be a father and never did anything to take care of his daughter. My sister expected my father and I to take care of all 3 of her kids for her, including feeding, bathing, entertaining/supervising, and tutoring them. Because my sister is the stereotypical blond bimbo, she'd often leave for work without expressing milk (and was adamantly against formula) so I ended up having to wet nurse my niece at various times over a span of 2 months (because the only other option was to let her starve ).

My sister's husband left her on December 26th, after receiving several hundred dollars in presents from her. About 2 weeks later I had my daughter. My sister's abuse only intensified after these events. She moved out in February, after telling her church that I had thrown my barely 1 month old daughter against the wall. Some elderly bitch at the church called me and tried to get me to confess my "sins" to her over the phone. I told her A. I have no sins to confess and B. she is legally required by law to report suspected child abuse otherwise she could be face charges as well. She eventually shut the fuck up and called the police like I told her to; an officer was at my front door no more than 10 minutes later. I still remember him to this day: in his late 30s, slightly husky, white in his beard, and not a single hint of maliciousness in his eyes. He commented that my daughter didn't even have scratches on her face, unlike his own kid. He found out it was my sister who started the false report and put a giant, comforting hand on my shoulder before leaving. No matter how much music I listened to, nothing could stop my from shaking in anger and betrayal.

Not even my daughter's crying could jolt my soul. With just this information, some people would think it was "just" postpartum depression, but I had already met with my doctors to check for it (and met with them again after that incident) and I was given a clear bill of health (both times). I don't know how much later, but days later I just put my music on shuffle, hid under the desk, curled up into a ball, and cried while listening to the music. Linkin Park meant nothing. Pink meant nothing. Papa Roach meant nothing. Slayer meant nothing. Slayer was useless to my soul. Slayer, my last resort, did nothing. And then it happened, a song came on that helped wash away the hurt, pain, anger, and numbness. I'll be damned if I remember which song, but I'll never forget the band; it was Dir en grey.

Damn, wow...that was powerful, Missa. Thanks for sharing.

I'm somewhat of a vapid misanthrope

Maybe a forum isn't the best place for you then XD

But more on video games:

Super Mario Galaxy: for awhile, whenever I would play this, I'd always put on some "old-school" Dir en grey. So whenever I listen to MISSA or GAUZE, I'm reminded of this game. I hear the chorus of 霧と繭, and I see Mario soaring through a black sky full of star bits.

I don't know why you would be listening to anything other than that amazing soundtrack in the game. It is probably one of the best games sound tracks from the past 5 years imo.