random thoughts thread

[Gesu 1537]

 

[psychonnect_rozen 585]

Anyone wanna read Minecraft creepypastas with me??

[spockitty 643]

you know how your favourite songs are never long enough or loud enough??? 

[spockitty 643]

4 minutes ago, spockitty said:

you know how your favourite songs are never long enough or loud enough??? 

nooooo it's not a bad thing @Gesu!!!! you just gotta play the song again and again until you hate both the song and yourself at a volume that's probably medically dangerous for your ears but YOLO ya kno

Edited July 26, 2019 by spockitty

[secret_no_03 959]

1 hour ago, psychonnect_rozen said:

Anyone wanna read Minecraft creepypastas with me??

You are literally a caricature of a late-2000's (emo) teenager.

[Zeus 7997]

My mood has been cratering for the last two weeks and it's getting to the point where people around me can tell. I've untangled some of the reasons why I've been unhappy and it has to do with a lot of the well-meaning things people advise me to do that I take the wrong way. They always come off as suggestions for what to do but how are you suggesting solutions to the problem I haven't explained yet? I'm mentally exhausted when I come home and I do not want to do more programming, fix computers on the side, sell weed, take even more classes after I've finished grad school, earn a license, or start my own business. Those aren't answers; those are distractions. I don't have faith in the capitalist system, so I don't want to look for a "new job".  It'll be the same bullshit as the old job in a different sector for as long as programmers are underappreciated and treated as simple code to caffeine converters. I don't like working to line someone else's pockets, and the assertion that one must work for a living is troubling, and also at odds with the depths of laziness some coworkers descend to daily. You can't tell me work harder to find purpose and be happy when business analysts are laughing their asses off on their third Starbucks break of the day. I just gave a 40 minute presentation I didn't feel like giving and certain team members fell asleep, and I got so dejected the secretary at the front sent an e-mail to my manager and her boss because I couldn't find it within me to bother. In fact, I find the assertion that one must better themselves to find happiness at all is full of troubling assumptions about my values. I work hard and I'm not happy, working harder makes me unhappier, and when I come home I'm a zombie and I don't want to do anything. I haven't listened to new music outside of the mix tapes I've been given. Haven't played any new games since I bought em. My Switch is docked up to my TV and remains untouched. Don't even want to watch YouTube videos and that requires me to only pay attention. I'm kinda just walking through life trying to make it to the next day waiting for it to end. Depression is a bitch. If you are wondering why I've been quiet these last few weeks and not writing or doing much of anything, that's why.
 

[secret_no_03 959]

Just now, Zeus said:

My mood has been cratering for the last two weeks and it's getting to the point where people around me can tell. I've untangled some of the reasons why I've been unhappy and it has to do with a lot of the well-meaning things people advise me to do that I take the wrong way. They always come off as suggestions for what to do but how are you suggesting solutions to the problem I haven't explained yet? I'm mentally exhausted when I come home and I do not want to do more programming, fix computers on the side, sell weed, take even more classes after I've finished grad school, earn a license, or start my own business. Those aren't answers; those are distractions. I don't have faith in the capitalist system, so I don't want to look for a "new job".  It'll be the same bullshit as the old job in a different sector for as long as programmers are underappreciated and treated as simple code to caffeine converters. I don't like working to line someone else's pockets, and the assertion that one must work for a living is troubling, and also at odds with the depths of laziness some coworkers descend to daily. You can't tell me work harder to find purpose and be happy when business analysts are laughing their asses off on their third Starbucks break of the day. I just gave a 40 minute presentation I didn't feel like giving and certain team members fell asleep, and I got so dejected the secretary at the front sent an e-mail to my manager and her boss because I couldn't find it within me to bother. In fact, I find the assertion that one must better themselves to find happiness at all is full of troubling assumptions about my values. I work hard and I'm not happy, working harder makes me unhappier, and when I come home I'm a zombie and I don't want to do anything. I haven't listened to new music outside of the mix tapes I've been given. Haven't played any new games since I bought em. My Switch is docked up to my TV and remains untouched. Don't even want to watch YouTube videos and that requires me to only pay attention. I'm kinda just walking through life trying to make it to the next day waiting for it to end. Depression is a bitch. If you are wondering why I've been quiet these last few weeks and not writing or doing much of anything, that's why.
 

Holy shit wall of text. Paragraphs are your friend. 😵

[spockitty 643]

3 minutes ago, Zeus said:

My mood has been cratering for the last two weeks and it's getting to the point where people around me can tell. I've untangled some of the reasons why I've been unhappy and it has to do with a lot of the well-meaning things people advise me to do that I take the wrong way. They always come off as suggestions for what to do but how are you suggesting solutions to the problem I haven't explained yet? I'm mentally exhausted when I come home and I do not want to do more programming, fix computers on the side, sell weed, take even more classes after I've finished grad school, earn a license, or start my own business. Those aren't answers; those are distractions. I don't have faith in the capitalist system, so I don't want to look for a "new job".  It'll be the same bullshit as the old job in a different sector for as long as programmers are underappreciated and treated as simple code to caffeine converters. I don't like working to line someone else's pockets, and the assertion that one must work for a living is troubling, and also at odds with the depths of laziness some coworkers descend to daily. You can't tell me work harder to find purpose and be happy when business analysts are laughing their asses off on their third Starbucks break of the day. I just gave a 40 minute presentation I didn't feel like giving and certain team members fell asleep, and I got so dejected the secretary at the front sent an e-mail to my manager and her boss because I couldn't find it within me to bother. In fact, I find the assertion that one must better themselves to find happiness at all is full of troubling assumptions about my values. I work hard and I'm not happy, working harder makes me unhappier, and when I come home I'm a zombie and I don't want to do anything. I haven't listened to new music outside of the mix tapes I've been given. Haven't played any new games since I bought em. My Switch is docked up to my TV and remains untouched. Don't even want to watch YouTube videos and that requires me to only pay attention. I'm kinda just walking through life trying to make it to the next day waiting for it to end. Depression is a bitch. If you are wondering why I've been quiet these last few weeks and not writing or doing much of anything, that's why.
 

I've...gone through a similar thing a while back. I've had history with depression going back years, and on a rational level I knew that it was depression speaking but hell if you can do anything about it even if you realise what's going on right. I like my work so I was working like 12 hours a day, feeling both accomplished and resentful that others were doing less and they dared to have a life. I ended up on pills (again) and when those ran out I've become essentially a high-functioning alcoholic so I feel like I'm the LAST person who should advise anyone on how to cope with capitalism.... YET here I am. 

 

How I deal with this is, letting go, essentially. You care about the good of the company but fuck if they care about you. Sure, do your job right, but don't think about it as a way to help the company, just as a way to personal accomplishment? Use the job as a way to learn new skills, earn new experience, basically to get new tools for the rest of your life. 

 

When I entered the workforce, so to speak, I had my head full of "do what you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life" and then I met this girl who told me: I love Russian, that's why I decided not to major in it in college and it lit a lightbulb over my head. It doesn't work for everyone, turning your passion into your job.  For me, work is work, but I draw a hard line after coming home. 

 

/I'm also, surprise surprise, drunk atm so take this with a grain of salt. I really hope I didn't totally misunderstood you and actually accidentally insulted you or sth =.=/

[Zeus 7997]

36 minutes ago, secret_no_03 said:

Holy shit wall of text. Paragraphs are your friend. 😵

Holy shit! Well color me surprised! Did you know that I don't care?

[secret_no_03 959]

Just now, Zeus said:

Holy shit! Well color me surprised! Did you know that I don't care?

That's your prerogative, just saying, it'd be much easier to read and it's a simple press of the enter key every 5 to 6 sentences. 😊

[spockitty 643]

4 minutes ago, secret_no_03 said:

That's your prerogative, just saying, it'd be much easier to read and it's a simple press of the enter key every 5 to 6 sentences. 😊

it's a random thread tho, you wanna get ungrammatical and unintelligible, this is the place I feel like?

[Zeus 7997]

28 minutes ago, secret_no_03 said:

That's your prerogative, just saying, it'd be much easier to read and it's a simple press of the enter key every 5 to 6 sentences. 😊

I'm talking about my mental issues and you're talking about paragraphs like I give a fuck.

 

 

 

That's

 

the

 

same

 

kind

 

of

 

dismissive

 

shit

 

I

 

deal

 

with

 

every

 

day. 

 

 

"                                                                                              " Here are some more spaces for you don't spend them all in one place.

[suji 8317]

6 minutes ago, Zeus said:

I'm talking about my mental issues and you're talking about paragraphs like I give a fuck.

ban ha

[secret_no_03 959]

14 minutes ago, Zeus said:

I'm talking about my mental issues and you're talking about paragraphs like I give a fuck.

 

 

 

That's

 

the

 

same

 

kind

 

of

 

dismissive

 

shit

 

I

 

deal

 

with

 

every

 

day. 

 

 

"                                                                                              " Here are some more spaces for you don't spend them all in one place.

Well, I went back and read it and it sounds like you're not happy with your life due to where your current career is or where it's going or better yet, not going. This sounds very similar to something The Minimalists went through, but they were working high end corporate jobs before they got rid of everything they didn't need or truly want and saved a lot of money and started their website and podcast. It might not be possible, but it's an idea, wanting and needing less means you can work less and have more time to enjoy life or do something that you truly enjoy regardless of the compensation; plenty of people get fulfillment from volunteering or rock climbing and that doesn't exactly pay. Anyway, food for thought. Hope things improve.

[spockitty 643]

it's so refreshing to jump back into kpop and have everything readily available in spotify within 5 seconds, comparing to trudging through three different sites to even get to the VK music and then finding out they don't even have the proper tags.....

[Tokage 5930]

the truth about beans? they'll never know.....

[YuyoDrift 1540]

@Zeus Sounds to me like reality is hitting you hard, or rather the reality you were probably well aware of already is becoming clearer and clearer, and you can't keep up with processing it into your everyday life, so it's become your new life.

 

Similar situation for me currently.

I am aware that Denver is not Chicago, and I could go on forever about how it's kicking my ass and how much I hate it for changing me as a person, but I think that unless some good fortune comes my (and especially my gf's, the poor girl) way, I know we're going to have to move back. It's just a matter of when the fuck I'm going to make that call.

 

There's simply less help here for someone like myself, and unless becoming some sort of dependable entrepreneur is going to help with the other shit I'm doing with contract work to build my rep up, sustaining both of us (my gf's had wayyyy worse luck this year holding a job) is going to eat at me until I say something I don't mean to her.

 

I knew the risks, and I'm swimming in needles, hoping to alleviate that pain in some way, where instead I should just get out of the fucking pool.

 

Edit:

 

If anything, thank god I can smoke pot here cuz there's nothing else I like about this place so far.

Illinois' legalization in 2020 is going to bring me back home without so much as a second thought, so I'm simply waiting.

[plastic_rainbow 2162]

the thought of me still having to live with my parents for probably the next 1-2 years fucking sucks, and on top of that i live in the basement. i can't afford to live on my own right now cuz of school loans and my friend who i was planning to move out with is out of the picture cuz she just bought a new expensive car. she wasn't very serious about living together in the first place anyway......

Edited July 28, 2019 by plastic_rainbow

[nekkichi 6043]

On 7/26/2019 at 11:28 PM, Zeus said:

My mood has been cratering for the last two weeks and it's getting to the point where people around me can tell. I've untangled some of the reasons why I've been unhappy and it has to do with a lot of the well-meaning things people advise me to do that I take the wrong way. They always come off as suggestions for what to do but how are you suggesting solutions to the problem I haven't explained yet? I'm mentally exhausted when I come home and I do not want to do more programming, fix computers on the side, sell weed, take even more classes after I've finished grad school, earn a license, or start my own business. Those aren't answers; those are distractions. I don't have faith in the capitalist system, so I don't want to look for a "new job".  It'll be the same bullshit as the old job in a different sector for as long as programmers are underappreciated and treated as simple code to caffeine converters. I don't like working to line someone else's pockets, and the assertion that one must work for a living is troubling, and also at odds with the depths of laziness some coworkers descend to daily. You can't tell me work harder to find purpose and be happy when business analysts are laughing their asses off on their third Starbucks break of the day. I just gave a 40 minute presentation I didn't feel like giving and certain team members fell asleep, and I got so dejected the secretary at the front sent an e-mail to my manager and her boss because I couldn't find it within me to bother. In fact, I find the assertion that one must better themselves to find happiness at all is full of troubling assumptions about my values. I work hard and I'm not happy, working harder makes me unhappier, and when I come home I'm a zombie and I don't want to do anything. I haven't listened to new music outside of the mix tapes I've been given. Haven't played any new games since I bought em. My Switch is docked up to my TV and remains untouched. Don't even want to watch YouTube videos and that requires me to only pay attention. I'm kinda just walking through life trying to make it to the next day waiting for it to end. Depression is a bitch. If you are wondering why I've been quiet these last few weeks and not writing or doing much of anything, that's why.
 

did you talk to your dr about your medication possibly, hypothetically, not working with your particular issues?

 

like I can't tell what exactly is going on in your life because I don't see the full picture (sometimes depression is reactive to ongoing shit you have no control over; meds will take the edge off the negative emotional cycles anyway, though),

 

but we've had that conversation over a month ago, and that's about enough time for most of meds to settle and give an accurate idea of how your brain is responding to them even by the most conservative textbook efficiency estimates.

 

I'm also not sure what programming area you're working at, but I've heard enough lowkey brag from people who transferred from high-stress, on-demand bullshit like idk apps into incredibly boring banking and corporate software engineering roles tripling their income in the process while having regulated work hours and other additional corporate perks that they had no idea existed before slapped on top, so that might be worth considering.

Edited July 28, 2019 by nekkichi

[Zeus 7997]

On 7/28/2019 at 2:20 AM, nekkichi said:

did you talk to your dr about your medication possibly, hypothetically, not working with your particular issues?

 

like I can't tell what exactly is going on in your life because I don't see the full picture (sometimes depression is reactive to ongoing shit you have no control over; meds will take the edge off the negative emotional cycles anyway, though),

 

but we've had that conversation over a month ago, and that's about enough time for most of meds to settle and give an accurate idea of how your brain is responding to them even by the most conservative textbook efficiency estimates.

 

I'm also not sure what programming area you're working at, but I've heard enough lowkey brag from people who transferred from high-stress, on-demand bullshit like idk apps into incredibly boring banking and corporate software engineering roles tripling their income in the process while having regulated work hours and other additional corporate perks that they had no idea existed before slapped on top, so that might be worth considering.

I am going to see the person who prescribed it to me this week. I can't tell if the medication is working. Some people say I seem much happier, others say I seem way more depressed. I'm not angry or suicidal anymore but I'm also not happy. I wonder if that's just how my brain is.

I supposedly have a low stress programming job but I think it's anything but. Dozens of demands, too much work being done for free, unequal distribution of said work, and shit pay. I'm supposed to be giving back to science but the people who want this data don't know what to do with it. Even when they do, the programmer who put the data set together is usually the last person to get credit for their contributions. Being invisible has its downsides.

[IGM_Oficial 1964]

 

Damn

[secret_no_03 959]

35 minutes ago, IGM_Oficial said:

 

Damn

😁

[itsukoii 1300]

what factors make for a happy & healthy relationship? my understandings of relationships are far more skewed now than they were before i even got into one because it wasn't... great, and now i have absolutely no idea what makes a "good" relationship. considering this, i won't be getting into another one for many years i assume, but it would still be nice to have an idea of what a healthy relationship is like

[platy 3018]

3 hours ago, itsukoii said:

what factors make for a happy & healthy relationship? my understandings of relationships are far more skewed now than they were before i even got into one because it wasn't... great, and now i have absolutely no idea what makes a "good" relationship. considering this, i won't be getting into another one for many years i assume, but it would still be nice to have an idea of what a healthy relationship is like

 

 

 A lot of people seem to think that possession and control of your significant other is a sign of love, but I disagree (unless of course you have agreed to these dynamics). Your partner shouldn't demand to know who you're with/where you are at all times, or demand to have access to your phone and computer. They shouldn't be dictating which friendships you cut out or keep. A healthy relationship is one where both people can be themselves without fear of judgement. One where you or the things you like won't be put down and minimised, instead you can learn from each other. There's a constant open dialogue and you can both express your feelings freely without fear of retaliation in the form of petty or abusive behavior, you'll work through any problems that arise together. But expecting your partner to be your everything and heal all your issues is a slippery slope. They're there to support you in becoming the best version of yourself, not be your savior. It's a give and take. Honestly, communication is so important but so overlooked. I could write an essay on this, but to me those are the basics of a healthy relationship.

 

[itsukoii 1300]

10 hours ago, platy said:

 

  Hide contents

 A lot of people seem to think that possession and control of your significant other is a sign of love, but I disagree (unless of course you have agreed to these dynamics). Your partner shouldn't demand to know who you're with/where you are at all times, or demand to have access to your phone and computer. They shouldn't be dictating which friendships you cut out or keep. A healthy relationship is one where both people can be themselves without fear of judgement. One where you or the things you like won't be put down and minimised, instead you can learn from each other. There's a constant open dialogue and you can both express your feelings freely without fear of retaliation in the form of petty or abusive behavior, you'll work through any problems that arise together. But expecting your partner to be your everything and heal all your issues is a slippery slope. They're there to support you in becoming the best version of yourself, not be your savior. It's a give and take. Honestly, communication is so important but so overlooked. I could write an essay on this, but to me those are the basics of a healthy relationship.

 

 

everything you described as bad was exactly how my relationship went. lol. a very bad time for sure, but at least i've learned a lot from it. thank you for answering!