Manji 卍

@yomii actually,your thoughts are pretty much like mine and makes sense to me.Notice that I've said a "better" life and not "new". I don't believe things can be completely erased either,we just wait for it to lose its power and learn how to live with it, paying attention to other things. But if you experienced death through someone else's death (a loss),you will never be the same, it's like living half dead, many things loses it's taste,the colors of many things are simply drained. Some people can "turn the page" by focusing on new things, some others like me keeps running in circles in the dark.

Yes, I've been looking for a better job now,as a opportunity to live a better life and finish things I've started some time ago. But I gotta clean off this pitchblack negativity which insist to dominate my mind whenever I try to do something "meaningful".Not talking about material stuff,it is easy to conquer, I mean being fulfilled in life.

Feeling absurdly idiot writing all of this,you guys have no idea,but thank you for caring about. I know everyone here has a sad story to tell or some problem to deal with as well. I know that I'm not the only one. I'm not sitting here making drama on the internet and consuming alcohol. Actually,I do the best I can to not lose control and just carry on my life,I live by myself,paying my bills and stuff,but you know what? It doesn't worth it.

Tried to do things right, changing my habits, abandoning my vices, but I've just climbed to fall from a higher place.it was extremely frustrating,but not the first time that I fail,not at all. I'm a "problematic person" since I was 14 when my mother and grandmother died. Nothing works my way since then,I always fail

To say it quickly,I had a nice job and frequenting a nice university ,but I couldn't deal with both anymore bcuz  of "depression" or whatever that was ,it was compromising my behavior and my productivity,so I decided to quit both.Finded a job that I hated, but easy to "execute", something that I wouldn't need to do any mental effort.However,I really hated that job,but after 2 years taking it and a lot of bad things I finally decided to quit this job as well and "turn the page",but again I'm struggling with negative self talking again and anxiety,I'm scared.

I've already said here that I've deleted all the other social media accounts I had few years ago, exactly because I was tired of "shocking" people with these "heavy" posts.tired of my own drama. nowadays all I have is this "small" place in this forum where I can say what's in my head,and honestly,it seems to be enough cuz there's a lot of response,it almost feels like a brotherhood. that's just 1% one percent of all the negativity that's going on in my head,and usually I save it to myself but i was drunk and ended up saying that and fell asleep afterwards.

@123Sandman321 venting and making sure if there's people who's feeling as bad as I feel.

not okay

@BrenGun haha I wish it was that easy,but unfortunately there's a lot of stuff going on

It's been 1 month since I've completely stop smoking,and sometimes I really miss it (mainly in the morning,on rainy days and stressful days) . But quitting the alcohol  is a lot harder than the nicotine for me. 

Sorry,guys,I didn't even see the comments on this,thank you so much for the support.only 2 weeks on this journey of abstinence and the results has been great so far. With some difficulties of course,but totally worth it

Didn't expect they'd release a new EP so fast

@colorfuljinsei I really hate any kind of religion,but it's tough for me to be "totally" atheist,cuz I already saw a girl possessed right before my eyes. So, unfortunately the "beyond" isn't necessary a fantasy. If I had absolute sure that hell or things like that doesn't even exist, I'd be certainly dead by now,but this kind of thought keeps holding me back

@123Sandman321 yea, that's what most of people think. I wish I was so interested in explore all the things life has to offer. But the thought of afterlife, above or below,is fuckin scary

This year has begun with a lot of tragedies already,so I've been overthinking this life in this world,and how fragile and thin it is.

That's it. Both seems to be pretty scary,and honestly I wanted to skip both. When I die,I don't think I'll fear leaving this life,but what is possibly coming afterwards.

@Komorebi now it's out 

https://m.vk.com/wall-35600031_109301

@Duwang yea,for a debut,Mio did a really good job, there's a catchy chorus in almost every track and his gutturals are pretty decent,but the composition...so many dissonances,the piano and synths stepping on each other,Mio's exaggerated falsettos. They need to chill out

Visit Roppu's channel,is up there

You guys are right,I really appreciated your thoughts on it.

I'm used to get "strength" from all these things I've collected and spent my time with since years. 

And recently I've been expecting to get the same strength (the reason I'm so into MH)  but it didn't work. Im always feeling Unfulfilled. Since I started my adult life,I'm feeling incredible oppressed,cuz I've screwed everything up and I'm not the young-adult I thought I'd be.

@Tokage  this thought crossed my mind after gazing on my geek collection.and all of that just seemed completely pointless to me. So I'm actually saying that to myself, before you get offended or ironic.