jiji94

Ugh, I wish I had the courage to cut my hair short again (although it's a short bob now) and wear men's clothing. I wish I could just accept that that is me like I used to before I suddenly went hyper femme. 

Ouh I know about dysphoria haha. But I really don't think I am a man or woman even tho I am considered transman : / 

That's actually pretty cool! Luckily my family wouldn't care at all if I cut my hair or changed my style. They're pretty great. I used to have very short hair many years ago and was kind of relentlessly teased for it and grew it out. Long hair was super cute on me but it made me miserable.
 
In my case, I struggle a lot with what is probably gender dysphoria and just accepting that I'm not happy being a "woman" or whatever that really means. 

You know, I never really thought about the courage thing when I wanted to cut my hair short, shave it for a deathhawk, shave off my eyebrows and show up to school the next day with none drawn on. Didn't really really regret any of it. Yea I argued with mom on the hair thing but shaving my eyebrows I just did in my room bc I got bored and wanted to do more with makeup  

Ugh, I wish I had the courage to cut my hair short again (although it's a short bob now) and wear men's clothing. I wish I could just accept that that is me like I used to before I suddenly went hyper femme. 

Wow, SM, where were you hiding this sort of music video budget?! I mean, as expected for Yunho's comeback but oh my god. This might be one of the best music videos for an idol after their military service that I've seen. I'm getting such huge old school (?) TVXQ/DBSK vibes and can't stop thinking of Junsu for some reason?

Man, I have so many downs in life but then really amazing, helpful people pop up and reassure me and remind me of my worth. I don't think they realize how grateful I am to them because it's impossible to convey how much it means to me. But ahh just had such a moving, life changing moment with someone trying to help me and I don't know how to process all of the emotions. 

Would love to stop feeling like everyone hates me for a hot minute. I try to be so positive with myself and remind myself I've come a long way, but I always worry I'm inconveniencing others by just existing. Which is pretty effed. My work offers free counselling so debating going or to the women's circle but I'm scared ugh.
 
Recovering from emotional abuse sucks asssss. 
 

Would love to stop feeling like everyone hates me for a hot minute. I try to be so positive with myself and remind myself I've come a long way, but I always worry I'm inconveniencing others by just existing. Which is pretty effed. My work offers free counselling so debating going or to the women's circle but I'm scared ugh.
 
Recovering from emotional abuse sucks asssss. 
 

Super feel you on this. I don't experience jealousy and I told my last partner upfront I'm not and would not tolerate him being jealous. I lived with a guy friend for a year and some people would ask me, "Oh, won't your boyfriend get jealous?". Like, no? He lived with all girls and it never phased me one bit. I actually preferred that he lived with girls. 
 
People sometimes react like I'm some sort of creature from outer space because I don't care if other women flirt with my boyfriends. Why should I..? 
 
My last boyfriend was an isolator but did it subtly. He started getting jealous shortly before I left him and it was so suffocating. It hurt. He was always trying to get me to "compromise" everything for him and would get upset when I didn't. Never again.
 
I'm also this way with crushes. I confess, get rejected, stay friends. I have no issue with rejection or remaining friends. A lot of people can't understand it for some reason. I don't stay friends with the hope of having something someday. Most people who've rejected me have had no problem staying friends with me and don't use me (probably because they're good people). I'm usually pretty quick to clear up any form of awkwardness but also believe that awkwardness is natural. I just like being honest, idk. 
 
 
 
 

I don't get how people can stand being in a relationship with a jealous person. 
Nope. It seems like prison to me. Your insecurities can fuck off.
I'd never be able to drop my friends because my partner is jealous of me having a life outside the relationship. 
I feel claustrophobic thinking about it. 
 
I fucking hate Brazil sometimes. 

I used to absolutely refuse to get into kpop, but then in 2009 was like might as well... Now I'm just huge scum for BTS.
 
It does make me a little sad when younger fans don't know TVXQ/DBSK.
 
 

will b missed
an eternal bop

I'm about to start 4th year Japanese, so you'd think I'd be reviewing previous material, learning new kanji, and practicing.
 
I have done none of those things.

One of my best friends became a shut in after he dropped out of school because he completely lost his confidence. This was at age 17.
He only left the house once a week or during summer when we met up. 
This was extremely frustrating to us as friends because he's super clever and whenever we met up all he talked about was the details of the last boss of whatever game he just beat. 
Last year I found out he's actually too mentally ill to work which is very sad. He doesn't even make an effort at talking to us, like, every conversation is one sided which frustrates me to no end because he's unapproachable now. But tbh I can imagine being a shut in to that level kinda damages your social skills, on top of everything else.  
That's my shut-in story. 
 

I'm kind of a shut-in, except i have a part time job and take (online) classes. ;w;

following seikun's impeccable logic all the bangyas in vk are actually secretly lesbian because there's absolutely no reason why straight girls would be attracted to 'feminine' bandmen 
 
while we're on this topic, i also don't get:
- why there's still the weird division dictating that guys must be into vk as "ongen-gyao" who only collect cds, and girls only go to lives to swoon over hot bandmen
- why the former is somehow usually conceived as more superior to the latter.... almost every guy who's an armchair connoisseur of vk i've encountered exudes the insufferable air of making themselves sound like consumers of vk who are more sophisticated than "those bangyas over there" aka the "necessary evil" that keeps the scene afloat
- why the two are even mutually exclusive in the first place, as if being into the bandmen themselves somehow diminishes or effaces one's ability to appreciate/talk about music intelligently
 ...and i can go on.
 
basically i feel that people (mostly guys, but also girls who are concerned with being viewed a certain way) who actually have the money to spare AND want to participate are given pause because of these problematic assumptions. i've been saizen for bands (mostly very small) and have no problems with the girls or the bandmen themselves so i can't help thinking a lot of these strange ideas are self-imposed. people should just enjoy the scene in whatever way they want (yes, even if you're a guy who go to lives to fantasize about bandmen - what's wrong with that??), instead of losing sleep over what the bangyas in the same row are potentially gossiping about you.

my friends don't feed into the ignorant gay comments, LOL save it for another thread because we all know the answer to why that is a stupid argument
 
as for why some band throw men only lives, it because the atmosphere for some bands is radically different between their male and female fans. i think this applies a lot for bands who are on the cusp of visual, so women's only lives might have more people engaging in certain furitsuke with a more "respectful" atmosphere whereas the mens lives are probably set up to be more wild, unhinged, "western style" live experiences. This is pretty similar to how gender is portrayed in the scene, with gyao tending to be more there to have fun rather than closely following typical gya conventions (worrying about how pretty their dresses are for their fav guitarist at kamite to see them from 4th row). On the flipside, some bands with male fans (check any DEG live report) can grind female fans (and even some dudes) the wrong way.
 
 

Couldn't be more wrong. Otherwise please explain drag culture and femme gay men then?
Gay community are very vast tbh.
 

When I was in high school back in 2010, I played this video for my music class.

it's out today and i can't wait for my copy to arrive!
in the mean time you can listen to the new version of 最近あなたの暮らしはどう
 

i fucking want that tote bag and that shirt

ahahahaha, oh my God, where do you live?!
Yeah, 20 hours sound awful...our airport is one hour away, I can't even imagine having a travel time to the next airport that is longer than the flight itself. But I'm sure it'll all be worth it!