jiji94

lmao Most I do is save pretty much every pre-2000 photo of Atsushi Sakurai that I can find. I've started to do the same with hide, but that's more to do with interest in his makeup style and hair.. I'd looove to start collecting old magazines if I can.

I have a folder dedicated to photos of musicians with cats, if that counts.

BUCK-TICK is the only band I've enjoyed their entire career's discography. Sometimes what they release as of late doesn't appeal to me right away, but I usually go back to it later and like it a lot. They still goin', goin'.

I was really pleasantly surprised with Plastic Tree's last single. I wouldn't say they ever lost their spark, because honestly I really don't like some of their earlier work or some of their most popular songs.. aha. But I love them as a whole. 

7 hours ago, nekkichi said:

yeah, I think so too, it might be better to start looking for a therapist if you're already bothered with this thing.

 

we're in the season change now, and that might flare things up itself for no real reason, but it's always good to get a professional opinion. they might come up with a more organized coping/behavioral approach, and I'd absolutely stay away from picking up suggestions here (even though it might be a start - but again, everyone's situation and the underlying issue(s) behind it are v. different)

there's a lot more nuance to mental health than the "dis is totally me when I'm OCD-ing", or "that's depression UwU" or "oh, that's bipolar :~D" guesswork.

Definitely this. I totally forgot about seasons having that effect as well. Hope my post didn't come across as anything other than suggesting seeing a professional. lol I know for some people it can be tough, myself included. 

Yahh I'd probably go talk to someone about it if this has been a long standing issue. For awhile, my friends and family were convinced I was struggling with either bipolar disorder or major depression disorder. I've been keeping check of my moods for the last few years just in case so I can talk to a professional about it when I'm ready to. I don't feel I struggle with either and that it was actually an accumulation of terrible shit/gaslighting that was causing my erratic mood changes. Idk though it's up to you what you decide to do.

My work offers free counselling services and I was SO STOKED that this was something they offer now. The first six sessions are free and if you need to continue and cannot afford it, you have the option to continue for free with a doctor's note. I'm really lovin' my work's change over the past few years towards mental health. 

Realizing today that I'm a bread sexual.

7 minutes ago, MyakuHaku said:

I am always  shooketh  I hear Tatusurou sing but I am always quaking when I hear him scream or growl

Yeah, Tatsurou's another with a deep voice. Takuya's is just so, sooo deep when he talks that it doesn't seem like that type of voice would come out. lol

Kind of like when I first heard Isshi from Kaggra talk. There was such a huge contrast between how he spoke and how he sang. First time I heard him talk I think I almost flung my laptop across the room.

how did I get here

For some weird reason, every time I hear Takuya from The Oral Cigarettes talk I'm always so shook at how deep his voice is.

SM really wants me dead

10 minutes ago, MyakuHaku said:

Yeah I mean I do plan on doing physical transition to some extent but don't really wanna be considered a boy or girl, I think it's androgyne? 

 

And yea I get that kind of, I came out to my family without even thinking about it until my grandma called me mentally ill. Now my uncle always talks about "In order to be a man you have to..." and list a bunch of masculine things and even stupid shit like hand veins are essential for being masculine? (I like them and all but I don't think they are a masculine characteristic) But yea I get a lot of nasty comebacks when I say I don't really want to be a very masculine man. I think Femme boy is more me? 

Yah, totally get that. And wtf about your family?? I'm lucky when I was a kid my mom sat me down and explained what transgender meant to me. I live in a very small town but at least four or five people in my age group are openly trans/non-binary.

I identify as genderqueer tbh I wouldn't say I'm trans but it's possible..?

why did younger me not fall absolutely in love with bowie

9 minutes ago, MyakuHaku said:

Ouh I know about dysphoria haha. But I really don't think I am a man or woman even tho I am considered transman : / 

Yooo you're not the only person I've talked to who feels that way. Actually, when I was really confused about my gender identity I messaged a friend of mine who is transgender and he told me how for himself his perception of gender has continued to change and that internally he does not consider himself male or female. He definitely helped me make sense of myself. 

Anyway, I've been in denial about my gender identity for pretty much the past decade or so? It took until having a breakdown while talking to my ex because being forced into a gender role was driving me up the wall. 

If I could buy the entirety of Zara's pant and shirt dress collections I would in a heartbeat. We didn't have one of these stores near me until a couple months ago and it's still a several hour drive from my house. I bought some cute dresses and a shirt. 

Also, we don't have Lush where I live (same as Zara, the closest Lush is several hours driving distance, but they've been contemplating expanding to here as well). So bought some of the pumpkin bubble bars, a bath bomb, and the Sleepy lotion... which I didn't plan to but... I loved it too much. Plus it doesn't irritate my eczema! I put a little bit on my face though and I'm unsure if I'm having a reaction to it or from wearing makeup for almost  a week straight.

18 minutes ago, MyakuHaku said:

You know, I never really thought about the courage thing when I wanted to cut my hair short, shave it for a deathhawk, shave off my eyebrows and show up to school the next day with none drawn on. Didn't really really regret any of it. Yea I argued with mom on the hair thing but shaving my eyebrows I just did in my room bc I got bored and wanted to do more with makeup  

That's actually pretty cool! Luckily my family wouldn't care at all if I cut my hair or changed my style. They're pretty great. I used to have very short hair many years ago and was kind of relentlessly teased for it and grew it out. Long hair was super cute on me but it made me miserable.

In my case, I struggle a lot with what is probably gender dysphoria and just accepting that I'm not happy being a "woman" or whatever that really means. 

Ugh, I wish I had the courage to cut my hair short again (although it's a short bob now) and wear men's clothing. I wish I could just accept that that is me like I used to before I suddenly went hyper femme. 

I'm ready to be shook.

Man, I have so many downs in life but then really amazing, helpful people pop up and reassure me and remind me of my worth. I don't think they realize how grateful I am to them because it's impossible to convey how much it means to me. But ahh just had such a moving, life changing moment with someone trying to help me and I don't know how to process all of the emotions. 

Wow, SM, where were you hiding this sort of music video budget?! I mean, as expected for Yunho's comeback but oh my god. This might be one of the best music videos for an idol after their military service that I've seen. I'm getting such huge old school (?) TVXQ/DBSK vibes and can't stop thinking of Junsu for some reason?

Would love to stop feeling like everyone hates me for a hot minute. I try to be so positive with myself and remind myself I've come a long way, but I always worry I'm inconveniencing others by just existing. Which is pretty effed. My work offers free counselling so debating going or to the women's circle but I'm scared ugh.

Recovering from emotional abuse sucks asssss. 

15 hours ago, platy said:

I don't get how people can stand being in a relationship with a jealous person. 

Nope. It seems like prison to me. Your insecurities can fuck off.

I'd never be able to drop my friends because my partner is jealous of me having a life outside the relationship. 

I feel claustrophobic thinking about it. 

 

I fucking hate Brazil sometimes. 

Super feel you on this. I don't experience jealousy and I told my last partner upfront I'm not and would not tolerate him being jealous. I lived with a guy friend for a year and some people would ask me, "Oh, won't your boyfriend get jealous?". Like, no? He lived with all girls and it never phased me one bit. I actually preferred that he lived with girls. 

People sometimes react like I'm some sort of creature from outer space because I don't care if other women flirt with my boyfriends. Why should I..? 

My last boyfriend was an isolator but did it subtly. He started getting jealous shortly before I left him and it was so suffocating. It hurt. He was always trying to get me to "compromise" everything for him and would get upset when I didn't. Never again.

I'm also this way with crushes. I confess, get rejected, stay friends. I have no issue with rejection or remaining friends. A lot of people can't understand it for some reason. I don't stay friends with the hope of having something someday. Most people who've rejected me have had no problem staying friends with me and don't use me (probably because they're good people). I'm usually pretty quick to clear up any form of awkwardness but also believe that awkwardness is natural. I just like being honest, idk. 

What the fucc did Gesu no Kiwami Otome just put out..?

I kiiiind of wish this had been the main song for the album. Idk, DNA isn't bad (who tf made that music video, the boys look poppin' but) I think it might be the weird amount of autotune or whatever on all of their voices in the album..? I liked this song quite a bit though. Dimple is really good too.

There's a really, really handsome guy who started at my work recently. He smiled at me today. End me.

I'm afraid he's going to try talking to me because it seems he wants to. No no no no. 

Kind of weird that I'm able to bond with my (potentially) sociopathic ex's ex-girlfriends.