CAT5

Imagine this.
 
A man loses his keys.
 
He tells himself, "I left them here. I know I left them here. They were right here on the table".
 
And so he spends a good amount of time searching for his keys in the small vicinity of that table.
 
All the while thinking, "well maybe it fell here or maybe it's behind here". and so he repeats this cycle over, and over, and over - for a good 15/20 mins or so.
 
Well, finally the man gets frustrated with this process, and he gets sick of looking in the same 3 or 4 places...in that small vicinity, and still not finding his keys.
 
So he abandons his knowledge.
 
All the  " i know i left them here", "i know they were here, etc" - > he abandons all of that.
 
And at this point, he embraces something wonderful. He then starts to say:
 
"The keys can be anywhere."
 
Because they're not where I "knew" they were. Therefore, the keys can be anywhere.
 
So at this point, the man starts to back-track, tracing his steps, and basically starts to look in all possible places. Wherever keys can be.
 
And so now, the whole house opens up to him. The keys could even be outside at this point, or in his car, or perhaps he dropped them on the ground somewhere?
 
All of these different possibilities open up to him all of a sudden.
 
And so once the man reaches this point, and realizes he doesn't know where his keys are at, and that they could be anywhere - he quickly finds them.
 
------
 
This little story basically sums up my experience in seeking "God", so to speak.  Like the man looking for his keys, I was SO invested in my own self-deceptions...in my own error...that I closed myself off from all of the possibilities...even things that were literally right in front of my face/glaringly obvious in retrospect. It wasn't until I rejected what I THOUGHT i knew, that I was then able to perceive things as they actually are - and not what I thought they were.
 
To be clear, I reached this point a little over 2 years ago. I was at a place in life where what I knew (or thought i knew) was no longer sufficient. And I had a choice: kill myself or grow. I chose life...or perhaps life chose me? Doesn't matter. The point is that I was humbled to the extent that I had no choice but to let go of what I knew (because what I knew had lead me to a dead end), and open myself to new possibilities.
 
Subsequently, I was led to the bible. I say "led" because, in my sincere quest for wisdom and truth, it's almost as if The Most High himself was dropping breadcrumbs in my path - in the form of several different resources - the most important of which being people.
 
And so, in following this newfound trajectory, I decided to learn about and study the bible.
 
Mind you, I come from a non-religious household. I've never attended a church service and prior to this point in my life, I'd never even read the bible. But I always had a deep-seated feeling that there was something "more" than simply this material world. And so throughout my life, I entertained several different ideas from atheism, polytheism, buddhism, to different schools of spiritual thought. Before studying the bible, I think I'd settled on simply believing in the universe (whatever that means) and describing myself as "spiritual, but not religious" . But I digress.
 
The point is, I stayed away from the bible and religion in general because I saw the fruits of its practitioners  - both in my own life and throughout history, and wanted nothing to do with it.
 
So as I began to seriously study the bible without any religious background or context, the first thing I realized was that I was harboring a ton of opinions and thoughts on the bible that simply were not true. Most of the impressions and thoughts that I had about the bible and 'God' in general were immediately falsified upon sincere inspection. Like many people, a lot of my thoughts about the bible and 'God' were derived from shitty experiences with religious people, observing the evil, hateful things people have done in the name of religion, seeing how religion and the bible are portrayed in media, etc.
 
Basically, you could say that I believed in all of the rumors and gossip about "God" and the bible without ever exploring it or seeking him on my own.
 
Unfortunately, this is how most people are.
 
We're so invested in our own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings...so invested in our own deception that we cannot see things for what they truly are.
 
We're so small and infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things, yet we're all so sure of the things we know and the things we think.
 
But that's the funny thing about thought. Thought is a more collective process than most realize, as many of the thoughts we have are not necessarily a result of our own thinking. In fact, thinking in and of itself is more difficult than people realize - simply because it requires effort, and we as humans are practically hardwired to take the route of least resistance. So it's more often the case that the thoughts we have are given to us from elsewhere, or they just 'appear' in our heads and we believe them because it feels good to. For some, perhaps their thoughts on the bible, god, and religion derived from what they learned as a kid going to church with their parents, or maybe the thoughts came from a documentary or an article that made sense to them. Maybe even their own imagination. Whatever the case, rarely do people scrutinize, critique, and actually try to validate (or invalidate) these thoughts and actually seek understanding on them.
 
So for me, since studying the bible, and actually putting the word into practice, my life has changed drastically and continues to change. My entire outlook has changed in fact.
 
All of the thoughts I had prior have been completely decimated. For instance, I thought the bible was a religious text, but religion has nothing to do with the bible. A lot of people avoid the word because of how religion has taken the ancient texts, grossly misinterpreted them and used them for hateful and nefarious purposes. It's no different than ppl avoiding listening to certain bands because their fans are such raging assholes. Those ppl have no idea if they'd actually enjoy the band or not, but they let the actions of others sway/taint their opinion instead of just listening to the band for themselves.
 
It's the same with the bible. People don't know any better, so they let their opinion of the bible and "God" be tainted by religion and religious zealots instead of sincerely studying it for themselves. A ton of religious doctrines will fly right out the window by simply reading the texts for what they are, without even having to do any indepth study.
 
You gotta think. The bible is one book. One collective of texts. So where does all of these different religions come from? You have the big three "Abrahamic" religions...and within Christianity alone you have a crapload of different sects, denominations, and doctrines....This don't add up. You're telling me ALL of these different religions are correct? This alone is enough to confuse ppl and keep them away from the word, and The Most High IS NOT the author of confusion. Would it not just make sense to read the text and study for yourself? Instead of relying on endless (mis)interpretations?
 
Furthermore. All religions have a start date. Meaning it was created by man at some point. If I truly believe in an all-mighty creator, why would I follow something a man came up with instead of what the creator provided himself? You see, religion is born when man tries to define his path towards 'God'. But what sense does that make? Shouldn't the creator himself define for us the path to reach him? When a man creates an app, does he not provide instructions on how to use that app? He doesn't just create an app and say "figure out how to use it". Why would The Most High be any different?
 
I could go on for days, and I'm a complete baby in the word. I've only been studying for 2 years so far and it's impossible for me to relay just how endlessly deep and profound the word is. I've not even scratched the surface. I literally get my mind blown by the word on a regular basis, and so many things that I wondered about and always questioned prior to coming into the word now make perfect sense. For instance, the Transatlantic slave trade, the true identity of the so-called African American, the real reason so-called African Americans (and other descendants of the slave trade) are oppressed and downtrodden all over the world...all of this is explained in the Bible. And so much more.
 
But I implore everyone....please DO NOT take my word for anything. Do your own research. And if you prepare yourself to truly seek The Most High, prepare for your entire world to shift.
 
So in closing, I'll say this. I do not follow any religions, but I do keep the word of our creator. I could list a million reasons why, but it's not my job to convince anyone of anything. I'm more than open to talking to or discussing the word/bible with anyone and even answering questions, but my knowledge is small and I mostly certainly do not know everything. But knowing that you don't know is the first step.
 
"Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seem to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.”

Imagine this.
 
A man loses his keys.
 
He tells himself, "I left them here. I know I left them here. They were right here on the table".
 
And so he spends a good amount of time searching for his keys in the small vicinity of that table.
 
All the while thinking, "well maybe it fell here or maybe it's behind here". and so he repeats this cycle over, and over, and over - for a good 15/20 mins or so.
 
Well, finally the man gets frustrated with this process, and he gets sick of looking in the same 3 or 4 places...in that small vicinity, and still not finding his keys.
 
So he abandons his knowledge.
 
All the  " i know i left them here", "i know they were here, etc" - > he abandons all of that.
 
And at this point, he embraces something wonderful. He then starts to say:
 
"The keys can be anywhere."
 
Because they're not where I "knew" they were. Therefore, the keys can be anywhere.
 
So at this point, the man starts to back-track, tracing his steps, and basically starts to look in all possible places. Wherever keys can be.
 
And so now, the whole house opens up to him. The keys could even be outside at this point, or in his car, or perhaps he dropped them on the ground somewhere?
 
All of these different possibilities open up to him all of a sudden.
 
And so once the man reaches this point, and realizes he doesn't know where his keys are at, and that they could be anywhere - he quickly finds them.
 
------
 
This little story basically sums up my experience in seeking "God", so to speak.  Like the man looking for his keys, I was SO invested in my own self-deceptions...in my own error...that I closed myself off from all of the possibilities...even things that were literally right in front of my face/glaringly obvious in retrospect. It wasn't until I rejected what I THOUGHT i knew, that I was then able to perceive things as they actually are - and not what I thought they were.
 
To be clear, I reached this point a little over 2 years ago. I was at a place in life where what I knew (or thought i knew) was no longer sufficient. And I had a choice: kill myself or grow. I chose life...or perhaps life chose me? Doesn't matter. The point is that I was humbled to the extent that I had no choice but to let go of what I knew (because what I knew had lead me to a dead end), and open myself to new possibilities.
 
Subsequently, I was led to the bible. I say "led" because, in my sincere quest for wisdom and truth, it's almost as if The Most High himself was dropping breadcrumbs in my path - in the form of several different resources - the most important of which being people.
 
And so, in following this newfound trajectory, I decided to learn about and study the bible.
 
Mind you, I come from a non-religious household. I've never attended a church service and prior to this point in my life, I'd never even read the bible. But I always had a deep-seated feeling that there was something "more" than simply this material world. And so throughout my life, I entertained several different ideas from atheism, polytheism, buddhism, to different schools of spiritual thought. Before studying the bible, I think I'd settled on simply believing in the universe (whatever that means) and describing myself as "spiritual, but not religious" . But I digress.
 
The point is, I stayed away from the bible and religion in general because I saw the fruits of its practitioners  - both in my own life and throughout history, and wanted nothing to do with it.
 
So as I began to seriously study the bible without any religious background or context, the first thing I realized was that I was harboring a ton of opinions and thoughts on the bible that simply were not true. Most of the impressions and thoughts that I had about the bible and 'God' in general were immediately falsified upon sincere inspection. Like many people, a lot of my thoughts about the bible and 'God' were derived from shitty experiences with religious people, observing the evil, hateful things people have done in the name of religion, seeing how religion and the bible are portrayed in media, etc.
 
Basically, you could say that I believed in all of the rumors and gossip about "God" and the bible without ever exploring it or seeking him on my own.
 
Unfortunately, this is how most people are.
 
We're so invested in our own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings...so invested in our own deception that we cannot see things for what they truly are.
 
We're so small and infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things, yet we're all so sure of the things we know and the things we think.
 
But that's the funny thing about thought. Thought is a more collective process than most realize, as many of the thoughts we have are not necessarily a result of our own thinking. In fact, thinking in and of itself is more difficult than people realize - simply because it requires effort, and we as humans are practically hardwired to take the route of least resistance. So it's more often the case that the thoughts we have are given to us from elsewhere, or they just 'appear' in our heads and we believe them because it feels good to. For some, perhaps their thoughts on the bible, god, and religion derived from what they learned as a kid going to church with their parents, or maybe the thoughts came from a documentary or an article that made sense to them. Maybe even their own imagination. Whatever the case, rarely do people scrutinize, critique, and actually try to validate (or invalidate) these thoughts and actually seek understanding on them.
 
So for me, since studying the bible, and actually putting the word into practice, my life has changed drastically and continues to change. My entire outlook has changed in fact.
 
All of the thoughts I had prior have been completely decimated. For instance, I thought the bible was a religious text, but religion has nothing to do with the bible. A lot of people avoid the word because of how religion has taken the ancient texts, grossly misinterpreted them and used them for hateful and nefarious purposes. It's no different than ppl avoiding listening to certain bands because their fans are such raging assholes. Those ppl have no idea if they'd actually enjoy the band or not, but they let the actions of others sway/taint their opinion instead of just listening to the band for themselves.
 
It's the same with the bible. People don't know any better, so they let their opinion of the bible and "God" be tainted by religion and religious zealots instead of sincerely studying it for themselves. A ton of religious doctrines will fly right out the window by simply reading the texts for what they are, without even having to do any indepth study.
 
You gotta think. The bible is one book. One collective of texts. So where does all of these different religions come from? You have the big three "Abrahamic" religions...and within Christianity alone you have a crapload of different sects, denominations, and doctrines....This don't add up. You're telling me ALL of these different religions are correct? This alone is enough to confuse ppl and keep them away from the word, and The Most High IS NOT the author of confusion. Would it not just make sense to read the text and study for yourself? Instead of relying on endless (mis)interpretations?
 
Furthermore. All religions have a start date. Meaning it was created by man at some point. If I truly believe in an all-mighty creator, why would I follow something a man came up with instead of what the creator provided himself? You see, religion is born when man tries to define his path towards 'God'. But what sense does that make? Shouldn't the creator himself define for us the path to reach him? When a man creates an app, does he not provide instructions on how to use that app? He doesn't just create an app and say "figure out how to use it". Why would The Most High be any different?
 
I could go on for days, and I'm a complete baby in the word. I've only been studying for 2 years so far and it's impossible for me to relay just how endlessly deep and profound the word is. I've not even scratched the surface. I literally get my mind blown by the word on a regular basis, and so many things that I wondered about and always questioned prior to coming into the word now make perfect sense. For instance, the Transatlantic slave trade, the true identity of the so-called African American, the real reason so-called African Americans (and other descendants of the slave trade) are oppressed and downtrodden all over the world...all of this is explained in the Bible. And so much more.
 
But I implore everyone....please DO NOT take my word for anything. Do your own research. And if you prepare yourself to truly seek The Most High, prepare for your entire world to shift.
 
So in closing, I'll say this. I do not follow any religions, but I do keep the word of our creator. I could list a million reasons why, but it's not my job to convince anyone of anything. I'm more than open to talking to or discussing the word/bible with anyone and even answering questions, but my knowledge is small and I mostly certainly do not know everything. But knowing that you don't know is the first step.
 
"Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seem to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.”

Romantic love and the concepts of "being in/falling in/falling out of love" are some of the most dysfunctional ideas ever. Love is a verb. Either you do it or you don't. Fuck outta here with that other shit.
 
"Follow your heart" is some of the stupidest advice ever. People's hearts are full of all manner of sick, twisted inventions, and most of us decieve ourselves daily as to the contents thereof.
 
"Do whatever makes you happy". Also bullshit advice. Ask your local crackhead or alcoholic how that's working out for them. We're living in hell. Chasing happiness in hell doesn't seem like a good strategy. The fact that everyones chasing happiness is evidence enough, as it clearly shows you that happiness must not be the default state of this world if everyone is chasing after happiness to destract themselves from the fact that they're living in hell. 
 
We're living in a time where 60 years ago, there was no such thing as "organic" food. Why? Cuz all the food was organic back then. We're also living in a time where muhfuckaz is seriously debating if there are more than 2 genders, the family unit is being obliterated, the poor are still being shat on, everyone is depressed & anxious, and muhfuckaz  are becoming more divisive by the minute...you'd truly HAVE to believe that we evolved from some damn monkeys to think this world has progressed anywhere.  Anywhere good at least.

we didn't take a single photo during the anime convention lol 
but my bff insisted that I at least send her the photo of my outfit so here I am, after 13 hours on foot with no AC X'D
 

shalom, shalom  
 

 
 

the internet needs to stop with the romanticizing of clinginess and possessiveness in relationships. it leads to so many abusive relationships yet people think it's normal so they stay, but these ideas that "my partner is my happiness, my world, my other half, etc" are so incredibly dehumanizing and WRONG and often end up in codependency. why aren't we teaching people to learn independence and at least some sense of self-worth and their own source of happiness before deciding to get into a relationship? why are we taught that we'll get those from our partners, rather than being two whole people coming to share their lives?

The space race is stupid and motivated by the wrong reasons.

Humanity isn't looking to space out of wonder and excitement at what lies in the cosmos. We're looking because we've messed up Earth's climate here and we're looking for a second chance on a new planet. We're going about this in the wrong order. Our planet is so rare and we haven't found another one like it. I don't see a point in returning to the moon because we can't make much of the floating asteroid.  Mars is the new hotness but I'm not keen on living in a bubble in a frozen desert. I want to go outside in a T-shirt and feel the sun on my skin the same way I do today. We need to figure out how to terraform a planet and cultivate nature from nothing before we look to another planet, and I honestly believe Venus is a better candidate than Mars. If you can reverse the runaway greenhouse effect on Earth, you can scale it up and test the same thing on Venus. It's easier to get to and more similar to Earth than Mars too. But the whole point is I don't see the point in turning Mars into Earth while we turn Earth into Mars, and we don't have the technology to move humanity to another planet in this lifetime. We need to triple down and take care of the planet we have, and learn how to terraform this planet first before worrying about how to get to another one. If the universe keeps expanding faster than the speed of light, we're going to need FTL travel sooner rather than later if we're serious about exploring the stars, and we're not close to this.

I fear all this talk of the new age space race is going to distract people from the problems at home.
 

I laugh at this because I've heard this many times, from many perspectives.
 
When someone tells me that I should "do what makes me happy", when the topic really needs involvement from those in the conversation, I rarely take this one-liner as sincere advice. I know that what they really mean is either "you're not gonna listen to what I say, so do whatever the fuck you want (but don't come bitching about this again later)" or "this is (probably) not a good idea/solution/process overall, but I'm not your keeper so you do you". Personally it's something I would not beat around the bush with, and just say straight to their face because well, it's reality (and everyone's living in it).
I'm also a cynical person, so take this with a grain of salt too. I see the people in this current world as nothing but shadows to someone else's life, and they secretly don't want to identify someones frustration/misery to their own (also maybe because they're living through someone else's idea of happiness and reality will fuck with that).
 
I'd also venture to say that people are desperate for happiness, and usually I feel that this desperation stems from a mistake/poor choice in their lives (possibly by their doing), where now they don't care where that happiness comes from but they'll take it. Sometimes it's not even their happiness they're indulging in, and in a fucked up way, that's people who say things like "I'm happy if you're happy" or "My happiness is your happiness". Not bashing on those people, but "happiness" is "achieved" in one form or another, and this direction is definitely not enough for me.

Romantic love and the concepts of "being in/falling in/falling out of love" are some of the most dysfunctional ideas ever. Love is a verb. Either you do it or you don't. Fuck outta here with that other shit.
 
"Follow your heart" is some of the stupidest advice ever. People's hearts are full of all manner of sick, twisted inventions, and most of us decieve ourselves daily as to the contents thereof.
 
"Do whatever makes you happy". Also bullshit advice. Ask your local crackhead or alcoholic how that's working out for them. We're living in hell. Chasing happiness in hell doesn't seem like a good strategy. The fact that everyones chasing happiness is evidence enough, as it clearly shows you that happiness must not be the default state of this world if everyone is chasing after happiness to destract themselves from the fact that they're living in hell. 
 
We're living in a time where 60 years ago, there was no such thing as "organic" food. Why? Cuz all the food was organic back then. We're also living in a time where muhfuckaz is seriously debating if there are more than 2 genders, the family unit is being obliterated, the poor are still being shat on, everyone is depressed & anxious, and muhfuckaz  are becoming more divisive by the minute...you'd truly HAVE to believe that we evolved from some damn monkeys to think this world has progressed anywhere.  Anywhere good at least.

I was in the shop and I stole the plate thingy that they put change on and I didn't realise it 

Romantic love and the concepts of "being in/falling in/falling out of love" are some of the most dysfunctional ideas ever. Love is a verb. Either you do it or you don't. Fuck outta here with that other shit.
 
"Follow your heart" is some of the stupidest advice ever. People's hearts are full of all manner of sick, twisted inventions, and most of us decieve ourselves daily as to the contents thereof.
 
"Do whatever makes you happy". Also bullshit advice. Ask your local crackhead or alcoholic how that's working out for them. We're living in hell. Chasing happiness in hell doesn't seem like a good strategy. The fact that everyones chasing happiness is evidence enough, as it clearly shows you that happiness must not be the default state of this world if everyone is chasing after happiness to destract themselves from the fact that they're living in hell. 
 
We're living in a time where 60 years ago, there was no such thing as "organic" food. Why? Cuz all the food was organic back then. We're also living in a time where muhfuckaz is seriously debating if there are more than 2 genders, the family unit is being obliterated, the poor are still being shat on, everyone is depressed & anxious, and muhfuckaz  are becoming more divisive by the minute...you'd truly HAVE to believe that we evolved from some damn monkeys to think this world has progressed anywhere.  Anywhere good at least.

Romantic love and the concepts of "being in/falling in/falling out of love" are some of the most dysfunctional ideas ever. Love is a verb. Either you do it or you don't. Fuck outta here with that other shit.
 
"Follow your heart" is some of the stupidest advice ever. People's hearts are full of all manner of sick, twisted inventions, and most of us decieve ourselves daily as to the contents thereof.
 
"Do whatever makes you happy". Also bullshit advice. Ask your local crackhead or alcoholic how that's working out for them. We're living in hell. Chasing happiness in hell doesn't seem like a good strategy. The fact that everyones chasing happiness is evidence enough, as it clearly shows you that happiness must not be the default state of this world if everyone is chasing after happiness to destract themselves from the fact that they're living in hell. 
 
We're living in a time where 60 years ago, there was no such thing as "organic" food. Why? Cuz all the food was organic back then. We're also living in a time where muhfuckaz is seriously debating if there are more than 2 genders, the family unit is being obliterated, the poor are still being shat on, everyone is depressed & anxious, and muhfuckaz  are becoming more divisive by the minute...you'd truly HAVE to believe that we evolved from some damn monkeys to think this world has progressed anywhere.  Anywhere good at least.

In addition to a change in the cadre of bandguys, there's also been a cultural shift in general. Nu-metal got off with far less and when the metalcore century arrived it sealed the deal that the general public went for more polished sounds and professional musicians. If you explore deep youtube, twitter or even band OHP's in the old traditional way you can still find those indie bands that sound like no one knows what they're exactly doing, but these bands just aren't popular enough anymore to gain traction outside of performing at multi-man events. Avelcain comes to mind as one band that managed to defy the trend and peek its forehead above the surface even though all they had to offer was spirit. 

I think there are two main reasons:
 
1. Techniques for smaller studios/home recordings are much more advanced now, so even no budget bands can finally afford making more polished releases. 10+ years ago a decent recording/mixing session would cost a lot of money while pretty much now anyone can fix songs with melodyne, preamp guitars and the like. Especially with indies band you can really feel the quality gap between recorded songs and live performances. A lot of dudes are not even playing their instruments/singing live anymore as they are aware of that.
 
2. Socially speaking the musicians are completely different people nowadays. Otaku-ish dudes who liked music and grew up listening to bands are more common in the scene now, while in the past it was really just a bunch of ex-chimpiras, yakuzas, bikers, hosts, etc. who did not fit into society and were in bands just because there was little else they could do to get chicks (of course there are exceptions). They had the ideas and the fierceness, but mostly no music knowledge whatsoever and especially no will to practice or overthink about their music. Now most guys went to school, have money to learn playing their instruments and afford decent equipment, and especially they all mostly compose on their laptops so there is again a bit gap in what their minds can compose and what their hands can play on an instrument. So the result is mostly polished and well performed songs but  kind of lacks the raw energy and "heart" older bands had instead. There is no right and wrong about it,  it really depends on what you are looking for in music.

I've been so tired lately and it feels like a rubber band is wrapped tightly around my brain =(

well she probably should stick to playing trees, with her signature wooden acting and botox all over.

Easier said than done, but try to take it easy on yourself, sis! Relationships are often one of the most difficult aspects of human life...I mean, we been at this shit for thousands or millions of years (depending on your perspective), and we still can't get this shit right. Hell, most of the ppl in relationships today have absolutely no idea what they're doing either,and are just wingin' it at best.
 
It's also natural that you'd feel these kinds of things after a breakup....,but give it time. Time will both heal and reveal all things. Besides, you'll be surprised what life will bring your way, so don't count yourself out just yet!

Easier said than done, but try to take it easy on yourself, sis! Relationships are often one of the most difficult aspects of human life...I mean, we been at this shit for thousands or millions of years (depending on your perspective), and we still can't get this shit right. Hell, most of the ppl in relationships today have absolutely no idea what they're doing either,and are just wingin' it at best.
 
It's also natural that you'd feel these kinds of things after a breakup....,but give it time. Time will both heal and reveal all things. Besides, you'll be surprised what life will bring your way, so don't count yourself out just yet!

Easier said than done, but try to take it easy on yourself, sis! Relationships are often one of the most difficult aspects of human life...I mean, we been at this shit for thousands or millions of years (depending on your perspective), and we still can't get this shit right. Hell, most of the ppl in relationships today have absolutely no idea what they're doing either,and are just wingin' it at best.
 
It's also natural that you'd feel these kinds of things after a breakup....,but give it time. Time will both heal and reveal all things. Besides, you'll be surprised what life will bring your way, so don't count yourself out just yet!

since ending my relationship i've had so many newfound fears that i'm going to be alone forever (despite how young i am) when these thoughts have never been a concern to me before. i wonder if what i had was actually good, but i was too emotionally immature to handle it properly? i was never very happy, but what if that was all my fault? and if i'd just kept pushing, it would've ended up a good relationship? i can't help but think (know) i was the reason it went south, but i worry my reasons for doing so weren't genuine feelings of unhappiness caused by my partner, it was just me being overly sensitive and not understanding how relationships work. i don't know. there's a lot to reflect on. but the feeling that maybe i had something great and i willingly put an end to it really haunts me, because what if every relationship i have here on out is even worse?

Ya know. Despicable as it is, people lie all of the time. You have people that lie for absolutely no reason, you have people that think telling white lies somehow makes it less of a lie. You've got lies of omission. You've got ppl who deliberately lie for selfish and/or nefarious means. Even some of the most upright folks will lie if it benefits them. And hell, most of us lie to ourselves on a daily basis. People lie.
 
But what amazes me is that some people have a hard time even just entertaining the possibility that many things that have been accepted as fact or that people put their trust in, whether we're speaking about history or modern times, could indeed be lies.
 
Maybe it's because being so-called "woke" has become such a meme that people seem less inclined to consider ideas that might directly contradict the status quo or history as we know it? I don't know. But I don't even think it's a matter of being woke, honestly. I think it's a matter of common sense: Just because one has a title like historian, scientist, politician, banker etc....that does not exempt them from fallibility, corruptibility, or the human condition.
 
Everything we put our trust in is the product of other human beings, most of which are just as fucked up as we are (if not more). That's a sobering thought. Knowing how humans are, it just makes me wonder how many personal/political/religious agendas and biases have shaded the lenses through which we view the world.

"nobody wanna hear that ching-chong music"
"why u be listenin to dem Chinamen?"
"they make music in Japan???"
"they could be singing 'i hate niggers' and you wouldn't even know it!!!"
 

 
Just a few examples of the ignorant things ppl have said in the 20-something years I've been listening to Japanese music
 
Granted, I can understand why they'd be perplexed. I still don't understand why a poor little black boy in the late 90's took a liking to Japanese music. My only explanation for that would be: "I just like it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
 

I thought about this too and one of my answers is that some people integrate facts with their identity so much, entertaining any possibility that they are wrong is to reject their reality and by extension, them as a whole.