Is it okay to ask someone if they're seeing other people?

[Ultra Silvam 217]

It's a general question but I'm also going through a situation so I figure I might as well ask here and see if I can get any advice.

 

To explain my situation:

Back in autumn I met a guy that I got along with well and admired.  We talked and hung out regularly and after a couple of months I developed feelings for him.  I told him this directly when I knew for sure that I liked him.  He said he wouldn't mind dating me but that he wasn't looking for anything serious and has other priorities.  I understood this and said I wouldn't mind dating him either, and we continued to talk and hang out regularly.  We did innocent stuff like holding hands and complimenting each other. 

About a month and a half ago things go more serious for me because he told me he liked me too, but reiterated that he wasn't looking for anything serious.  And that night we ended up having sex unexpectedly, and a couple weeks later we did it again, but I was drunk both times.  Even so I feel like my feelings for him have become stronger after this.  I'm fairly inexperienced because I've only had one relationship, and it was quite an unhealthy one, so this guy is only the second person I've ever done anything romantic with.  

This past month though there's been some distance between us, because we haven't seen each other much and have been talking a lot less.  I think i'm still putting in the same effort that I always have, but there were many times this month when I would text him and get no response or ask him to hang out only for him to say that he couldn't, and these things didn't happen before.  It annoyed me a bit but I figured he was just busy with work, or he was going through something rough, so I gave him space because I thought that's what he needed from me.

Well, it was mostly fine until someone mentioned to me that he might be seeing other people, and now I can't get that idea out of my head. I feel like if he is seeing other people casually it would hurt me but I'd be able to understand and I appreciate him so I'd want to remain friends.  But not knowing whether he is or isn't is bothering me so much. 

I ended up seeing him for the first time in a while tonight, and it was a short visit but I think it went mostly okay.  I had planned on confronting him about seeing other people but I got too scared so I didn't.  All I could say was that I was going through something lately and felt sad, and that it was okay if he can't always respond to me, but that I missed talking to him regularly.  He said we could hang out again but he doesn't know when, although it was before I said that I was feeling sad so I don't know if he still wants to. 

 

I have a lot of questions about this, but I guess my main one is is it okay for me to ask him if he's seeing other people?  Do I have a right to do so or is it none of my business?  I'm not sure if it's appropriate to ask or if I'm just being insecure, but not knowing for sure is upsetting me. I really like him and would like to be with him seriously one day if he's ever ready for it, and right now I have no interest in dating other people myself.

If it's okay then I'm wondering when I should do it.  Would it be okay to ask over text within the next couple of days, or should I just wait till I see him in person, whenever that would be?

I'm also wondering if I should talk to him about the way my feelings have developed.  I know he doesn't want anything serious with me at the moment, so I feel like maybe I should hold off on trying to express my feelings for him. But I know holding your feelings in isn't necessarily good, so I don't really know what to do. 

[Koumori 58]

On the one hand it could be possible, that he has a certain reason for not being interested in a relationship right now. One reason could be, that he is afraid of getting hurt. Someone might have cheated on him or treated him badly in the past, so that it isn't easy for him to trust anyone or he avoids developing feelings for someone else. It might also be possible, that being drunk helps him overcome that and he is able to open up. Of course that's not the solution, but it's well imaginable. 

 

On the other hand he might actually want to enjoy his freedom, so that he can see other people if he wants to, but since he knows about your feelings for him, he doesn't want to hurt you and tries to avoid you. That's of course not the right thing to do and pretty unfair as well. 

 

But let's not assume the worst. If I were you, I would ask him if he is seeing other people. And I would do it in person as it is easier for you to decide, if he is honest and telling you the truth. I mean he could write anything, since he doesn't need to face you directly.

 

I wish you the best and hope for a positive outcome for you! 

[platy 3018]

There's no problem with you asking him if he's seeing other people, it's important that you know where you stand with him. I think talking in person is better since that way he can't avoid or forget to answer the question.

 

Also I think that communication is really important and personally, I like to be open about everything with whoever I'm involved with romantically, so I'd tell him about your feelings and stuff, but keep in mind that it could ruin what you have. But in that case, it seems like you both want different things and you have to think whether you want to keep pursuing what you have with him. 

[CAT5 9075]

@Ultra Silvam Hi! I see that you are fairly new to MH, and so firstly, I'd like to greet you and officially welcome you to the site. Thank you for joining us here on MH, and furthermore, I appreciate you being open enough to share your experience with us.

 

To answer your question in general - no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with asking that question. That's generally something you'd want to establish prior to embarking on a relationship with anyone.

 

Now to address your situation. I'm going to be straight-up with you. I won't presume to give you any advice, but I will relay to you the truth as I see it, based on the information that you've provided. I apologize in advance if my comments seem harsh or insensitive, but I assure that is not my intention. I empathize with you because I've also been in similar circumstances before, and I know how it feels. So with that in mind, it's my hope that something I say will help you to avoid unnecessary heartache in the future.

 

There's no easy way to say this, but this guy is not looking for the same thing you're looking for. He said so from the jump:

 

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He said he wouldn't mind dating me but that he wasn't looking for anything serious and has other priorities. 

This is all code for "I'm going to waste your fucking time". Two things to look at here.  #1: He said he "didn't mind" - not "I want to" - showing that he doesn't really care either way. That's NEVER a good basis by which to approach an intimate relationship. If he's not intentional, it's very likely that he's on some bullshit. #2: He said he "wasn't looking for anything serious". What does this mean? What's the point of entertaining a relationship if you're not going to be serious about it? He's basically telling you in so many words, "yeah, I don't mind hanging out and having sex with you, but don't expect me to commit to you". aka. He's going to waste your fucking time.

 

If your heart is important to you, it's absolutely worth guarding. It's not something that should just be handed out to anyone. You want to be with someone who is intentional and serious about guarding it. Not someone like "i don't really care either way", ya feel me?

 

Some more things to look at:

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he told me he liked me too, but reiterated that he wasn't looking for anything serious.  And that night we ended up having sex unexpectedly

Words are something else, right? The right ones will make you feel all giddy inside and send you over the moon. Here's a general rule of thumb about people: Listen to them intently. Most people will tell you who they are without even realizing it. But words can also be deceptive. So more importantly than listening to people, you also have to observe their actions and see if they line up with their words.

 

Check this out. He tells you "he likes you" and reiterates the fact that "he isn't looking for anything serious", but then he proceeds to have "unexpected" sex with you? Many unexpected things happen in life, but sex is never one of them (unless it's rape).  Conventional wisdom won't tell you this, but contrary to popular belief - sex is actually quite serious. Let's examine your own words again:

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Even so I feel like my feelings for him have become stronger after this. 

This world will quickly sale you on the idea of 'casual sex', but I don't believe there is such a thing. And just because it's "the norm" doesn't mean it's functional. Here's why: Sex cannot be divorced from emotion, or family, or responsibility, or respect, or children, or love and so on. The idea of 'casual sex' would have you believe that it's just some standalone act done for fun and pleasure, but sex itself is innately intertwined to too many other critical components of life for that to be so. Your own emotions are a witness to this truth. So it's no wonder that you've developed such feelings for this guy as a result. You've engaged with him in a deeply intimate manner. But it's all good, don't beat yourself up about it. Just know that these things are bound to happen when being intimate with others. So you have to exercise due caution in this area. If a guy is willing to have sex with you, but is not willing to commit to you - what does that say about this guy? And what does it say about you that you'd allow such a guy to have sex with you? There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with having standards. In this world you'll need them.

 

Let's continue:

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This past month though there's been some distance between us, because we haven't seen each other much and have been talking a lot less.  I think i'm still putting in the same effort that I always have, but there were many times this month when I would text him and get no response or ask him to hang out only for him to say that he couldn't, and these things didn't happen before.  It annoyed me a bit but I figured he was just busy with work, or he was going through something rough

If I had to guess, "busy" is one of the biggest bullshit excuses ever used. Some people do get genuinely busy, but even if they do, they'll let you know that they're busy. You won't have to guess. Likewise, If someone is truly into you, you won't have to guess. Trust what your gut is telling you. You probably already know what the deal is, but whether you want to believe it or not is another story.

 

A bit more:

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All I could say was that I was going through something lately and felt sad, and that it was okay if he can't always respond to me, but that I missed talking to him regularly.  He said we could hang out again but he doesn't know when, although it was before I said that I was feeling sad so I don't know if he still wants to. 

I'm going to address the text that I highlighted here:

 

It seems to be me that you're giving this guy way too much leeway to walk over you. If he can't be arsed to communicate with you regularly, what makes you think it will get any better down the road if you WERE to enter a relationship with this guy?

 

"I'll hang out with you, but I don't know when" - Damn, this guy must be the BUSIEST GUY IN THE WORLD HOLY SHIT!!!! His schedule is just THAT jammed pack that he doesn't know when he'll be able to kick it with you? Fuck outta here bro. This guys is on bullshit and is just stringing you along.

 

If a guy really likes you - he's going to MAKE time for you. It's as simple as that.

 

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I have a lot of questions about this, but I guess my main one is is it okay for me to ask him if he's seeing other people?  Do I have a right to do so or is it none of my business?  I'm not sure if it's appropriate to ask or if I'm just being insecure, but not knowing for sure is upsetting me. I really like him and would like to be with him seriously one day if he's ever ready for it, and right now I have no interest in dating other people myself.

 

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, and you'll have to excuse my bluntness, but I think the real questions you should be asking is "why am I allowing myself to be treated like this?". "Why am I fawning after someone who has clearly demonstrated that they don't value me?". Seeking the answer to these questions will likely yield you better results. I believe you already know the answers to the questions you want to ask.

 

Now obviously what you choose to do is completely up to you. There's no harm in expressing your feelings to this guy, but based off of what you've told me so far, he seems highly unlikely to truly reciprocate.

 

Personally, I think you'd be setting yourself up for undue heartache and should just leave this guy alone before incurring further damage.  He's already made it clear where he stands - and several times at that. Furthermore, his actions have solidified that stance. Take heed to yourself, because I know from experience that we often get lost in the clouds and make the mistake of projecting our own needs, desires, and fantasies on to other people instead of looking directly at what's in front us, and facing reality. In doing so, we often break our own hearts.

 

Once again, I apologize if I was a bit too coarse with my words, but I do hope you can glean something from this. And if not, that's fine too. Whatever the case, I hope that you're able to learn from the situation - whatever the outcome - and move forward in a good direction.

[Paraph 826]

4 hours ago, CAT5 said:

This is all code for "I'm going to waste your fucking time."

unfortunately a lot of personal experience has made me assume this for this particular scenario.

Edited February 5, 2019 by Paraph

[Ultra Silvam 217]

Thank you all for helping me with your responses! 

@CAT5 Nothing you said was harsh so don't worry about it.  You said exactly what I needed to hear so thank you for it

[LIDL 692]

Honey, he still had sex with you even when he knew you're drunk? And y'all not even official, on top of that? Red flag. He is not a good man. Let him go. And call the police.

 

Like, even after married, people still need to ask for their spouse's consent to have sex. Let alone someone who's on dating phase, and always seems so ambigious about his feeling for you. He might just taking advantage of you. 

Edited February 6, 2019 by LIDL

[Seimeisen 4406]

On 2/4/2019 at 3:18 AM, Ultra Silvam said:

This past month though there's been some distance between us, because we haven't seen each other much and have been talking a lot less.  I think i'm still putting in the same effort that I always have, but there were many times this month when I would text him and get no response or ask him to hang out only for him to say that he couldn't, and these things didn't happen before.  It annoyed me a bit but I figured he was just busy with work, or he was going through something rough, so I gave him space because I thought that's what he needed from me.

 

Well, it was mostly fine until someone mentioned to me that he might be seeing other people, and now I can't get that idea out of my head. I feel like if he is seeing other people casually it would hurt me but I'd be able to understand and I appreciate him so I'd want to remain friends.  But not knowing whether he is or isn't is bothering me so much.

Wow does this take me back. I went through something quite similar two years ago.

 

......

 

You seem to be handling this better than I did...

and you've gotten further than I did

 

When the guy in my story stopped texting me, I got angry-sad about it, and whenever he'd come back, I'd think I'd have forgiven him, but then I'd get angry again, for the first year I had no idea how I felt about him as an individual, I totally flip-flopped. At the end of the year, I wanted to meet up with him and try to reconnect like you did, but then I saw a new guy in his Snapchat story, and it looked like they were being all cutesy and shit, which really bothered me. A week goes by, I stop kicking the air, delete him on social media, and declare hatred. Another year later, today, that hatred completely fizzles out into "I don't know her"

 

Enough of my rant, yes it's okay to ask if he's seeing someone else. As for continuing a relationship with him, definitely do not pursue dating this guy any further. Just don't! If you think you can be platonic friends with him, not resent him for being out of touch, and most importantly, stomach the sight of him being serious with someone else, go for it. And if you ever have the opportunity to, tell him about your feelings, at least for the sake of clearing the air. Be honest with him. However, if you have even the slightest problem with a strictly platonic friendship, drop his ass. If he can't make time for you, he doesn't deserve you. Plain and simple!

[Ultra Silvam 217]

I'm updating this to say that I texted him a couple days ago asking if we could talk soon only to get no response.

Today my coworker informed me that he just put on Facebook that he has a girlfriend... He never added me on any social media btw so I would have never known otherwise.

 

So if anyone reads this and is in a similar situation that I was in, please follow the advice in this thread and let go of the person, especially if they're unwilling to face you and talk. If there are so many red flags than pay attention to them and don't let yourself be blinded by how much you like the person.  You're worth more than that and deserve to be treated a lot better

[Paraph 826]

1 hour ago, Ultra Silvam said:

I'm updating this to say that I texted him a couple days ago asking if we could talk soon only to get no response.

Today my coworker informed me that he just put on Facebook that he has a girlfriend... He never added me on any social media btw so I would have never known otherwise.

 

So if anyone reads this and is in a similar situation that I was in, please follow the advice in this thread and let go of the person, especially if they're unwilling to face you and talk. If there are so many red flags than pay attention to them and don't let yourself be blinded by how much you like the person.  You're worth more than that and deserve to be treated a lot better

I'm sorry this happened to you.  It's never a fun experience. But with this you've grown and will know certain signs and red flags to watch out for for next time.  I like to believe that nothing happens by accident, and everything for a reason. 

Edited February 10, 2019 by Paraph