Hon, everyone here goes through an awkward introductory phase. For a long time, I'm pretty sure @CAT5couldn't stand me. And for a while, I used to think @Zeus was an elitist jerk.
Once you start knowing people a bit more, it will feel a lot less awkward. Now Cat tolerates me. I also don't think Zeus is an elitist anymore. After talking to him and eventually meeting him IRL, I know he's an elitist jerk.
You've honestly done nothing wrong and I don't think anyone was actually upset or physically affected by anything you've seen. We've seen a lot of weirdos here -- you're no where close to being on par with what is considered "bad" by MH standards.
You haven't:
-Hacked anyone's account
-Stalked + harassed several users
-Pissed off the mods on a daily basis
-Threatened the security of the site
-Created a hostile environment for others to contribute information to
-Caused a shitstorm of drama and made a new account with a "new identity" (for the 8th time)
It's still your choice whether you'd like to lurk or not, but there's nothing to beat yourself up over.