Is it okay if I just want to be in love with someone?

[Gesu 1537]

A couple years ago, I confessed to someone whom I was deeply in love with, but he rejected me and I still haven't been able to forget about him. I have these off days when I just sit and think about what could have been, why it wasn't, etc. I've had two boyfriends since then, but neither relationship lasted for very long (at all) because they just weren't my type and I ended up feeling uncomfortable and unhappy, so I ended both relationships on good terms. Anyways, I've heard these things saying the difference between loving someone and being in love with them, and they basically said that loving someone is when you want to see them grow/develop, when you want to be there for them, etc, and that being in love with someone is when you're more infatuated with them/get butterflies around them (that's not to say you can't care about them, though). The thing is, I love several people, but I don't want to be with them, because I tend to see those people as more familial kinds of love (even though they're not actually in my family), whereas I've only ever been in love once, and that was with the guy from a couple years back. As I mentioned before, being in love with someone is not to say that you don't actually care about them, because you can have those feelings of infatuation and not take it to unhealthy levels. I feel like nothing will ever make me as happy as I was back then, even if nothing came of it, so is it really that bad if I just want to be in love with someone? As long as I'm honest with them about what I want and how I feel, is it really that bad? People might say "it won't last", but there is the possibility that it could, and even if it doesn't, is there anything really wrong with that? Also, I'm not sure if this is TMI, but there is also the case of me being really frustrated in terms of... well, you know. Begins with an "s" and rhymes with "rex". I've never actually done it, or even kissed someone, and again, I have these off days when I just sit and think about how much I want to "alleviate" my frustration with someone. I'm not sure if it ties into my other off days. Basically, I'm not sure if I want to be in love or if I just want to... you know. Either way, I know that with the guy from before, I didn't just want the latter. I really did care about him, and I'm not sure if I'll ever feel that way again. I remember going to a convention in November, and I felt so, so happy when I was there. I knew I could just be myself there, and I felt really comfortable and at home. Seeing one of the people I love in a familial sort of way there helped too. Of course, that only meant I felt like crap the next day because I realised that I never actually feel like that in my day-to-day life, as I'm sure most other people do. I'm not surrounded by people I feel like I can be my true self around, and that hurt. I hadn't felt that way since I was in love. I'm not depressed or anything, but I am upset. I don't even know why I care so much about this, but I do, and it feels like there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Sorry this was so venty. What do you guys think?

[karai · ebi 505]

I can only relay through experience so small story I guess lol.

Present day I've learned to love myself, and I more or less don't trust anyone past casual friendship level. But ten years ago I felt the same as you.

I had 'fallen in love' with my best friend of 13+ years, and we were virtually never apart. Of course I kept something like that hidden for 3 years before spilling. Needless to say it didn't end well for a multitude of reasons.

 

For the next 8 years I fell into heavy alcoholism over it, even after not speaking for many years I could be pushed to the edge about it.

But one day I forced myself to check in on how they were...I don't know if all the drinking just finally erased old connections or my meditation and self reflecting paid off idk. But what I saw was just disappointment, mostly in myself for ruining my own life over someone who honestly wasn't all that I had thought they were. I sat there scrolling through feeling nothing, I wasn't interested at all in the present version of them.

 

tldr; not to go all monk on the situation, but sometimes I think we're desperate to connect to someone because of incongruencies with ourselves. I didn't really start to appreciate myself or feel a proper connection until very recently, like past 2 years when I started meditation. And any desire or need to connect kind of evaporated, not that I don't want a partner but that sadness is gone, you know.

 

That's my 2 cents on it, it may not be applicable at all but I know how miserable that feeling is. If you want to try hypnosis I highly recommend Michael Sealey on Youtube, I almost use his vids exclusively. Good luck.

 

[Manabu 144]

I'm sorry if this sounds condescending or it's information you already know but in my opinion you need to move past it and get out of the idea that this is the endgame or the one and only. In a very similar situation to yours, I ended up deluding myself and at one point believed 'being in love with her is everything I need' and whilst it's okay to always have a spot for that person in your heart, hanging on will stunt your personal development. It can be hard to let go but in time you'll see there is more to your life and there are other people out there who can make you feel the same way and even better, you just have to take a really big leap of faith.

[123Sandman321 377]

I might be oversimplifying it a little bit, but it seems to me, that you got it all figured out, while needlessly debating the semantics. Nevertheless, after a rejection, it's never healthy to think that you aren't good enough and after a while you might convince yourself to remain that way...and that's a pit from which it's really hard to crawl out of. It might be difficult to move on, but it's the best course of action. In the end, you'll always end up a better person and grow to handle these situations in a much better way.

 

And considering not being able to be yourself...I've come to understand that that's a lie we tell ourselves, when we aren't comfortable talking to strangers. I used to be that way, hiding behind that thin veil...but whatever choice you make, whatever face you put on, it's always you, because people will continue to perceive you that way for the better or in most cases, worse. What I'm trying to say, always be your "true" self, whatever the situation, you shouldn't lie to yourself or to people around you. And if the infrequency of those enjoyable moments hurts you...change the game, turn the odds in your favor, it's very possible, you just gotta take action  trust me, I've been there

 

Anyway, sharing that experience is always the first step, never forget that you are never alone, there is always someone who will listen.

 

Well, I really hope I'm making at least some sense...there is a nearly downed bottle of wine next to me   : D 

Edited January 21, 2019 by 123Sandman321

[nullmoon 784]

I'm a little late to the party but yeah, been there, done that so I can totally sympathise with how you're feeling/felt (hopefully things are a little less poop now!). 

 

Love is weird and I can't even begin to explain it. My hope is that you find that special someone who makes you feel how you feel about Mr. Dreamboat (that's his name now). It's most likely the case where you haven't found anyone new who ticks all the boxes in the same way he did. Don't feel guilty for not feeling a certain way about potential suitors; there's no point forcing yourself into relationships just to make others happy. 

 

HOWEVER don't create unreasonable expectations as that will mean you'll (un)knowingly push away any real chances of love. It's impossible for a person to emulate another and if you gently persuade them that way, they won't exactly be themselves anymore. 

 

In my wizened state I have realised that I fall in and out of love far too easily...so clearly I don't have a real concept of what true love is. However I think I have ample time and space to work things out before heading into the fray again. 

 

If you've made it this far, I'm sorry. I have no idea what I'm talking about XD TL;DR - Life and love is confusing. Focus on the here and now, not theoretical relationships or theoretical sexy times. As painful as it is, the people you/me/we're all thinking about probably don't even remember us. Plushies cure everything. Buy a plushie. Buy more plushies. 

[Kabukichoatmidnight 269]

Love and relationships are a pretty complicated topic, but in my opinion you're better off doing things you love rather than trying to find someone to love. This way you will learn to grow yourself and be able to "love yourself" which is the most important person you need to love! If you can't make yourself happy you can't expect anyone else will be able to. And by doing the things you love and growing as a person, you're natural confidence (Even if it's quiet confidence, I don't mean you have to be arrogant and cocky to show confidence as that definitely ISN'T attractive) will attract people and if you're taking part in hobbies you enjoy, perhaps you'll meet someone who enjoys the same things and boom, you click and start building your relationship from there.

[ki11edb1th3qu33n 40]

i say no because romance is deadly! i say personally dont bother looking for people because thrn the whole codependency factor arises and problems.

 

totally i agree you have to be mentally and emotionally in equilibrium and not have problems in order to accept a person and relationship

 

treat partners like fmaily or just accquaintances  but once you lose the person feels liek you lost a part of yourself

both ways dont get stuck or head over heels or love at first sight yall never know consequnces not knowingmore of person before hand.

i only had online relationships and all i say is better than physical relationships because you dont deal with shit and platerize in gutter if something goes wrong yes it will be public eye online but you will be loved.

in other words never feel lonesome or desperate it will make people disintreats in you

be powerful of who you are and present yourself

dont rush relationships either cause that too can cause drama wheater physical or online.

but if your truly in love and you tlaked to person best thing i say cooler tlaking them before anything else or even true love in my oppinion

 

why slow down? the end result i seen relationships deteriote because either get replaced/cheating etc and thr perosns left to rot and succumb wounds in real love over other person careless and happy.

 

take time find your match

avoid the eye candy and codependency

if people are intereasted they will talk to you

 

dont make yourself talk to them they will tlak to you

just liek friends if they real thry will talk you wont need effort to message

 

tske relationships same way if someone cares they be like a friend and fmaily

 

im single for 4yrs and ive dealt with catfishing and fkae profiles in which they imperosnate artist and iys till end i deal with aftermath

 

do some backgrohnd search and avoid deep romance untill you know exactly who you talk to to avoid emotional breakdowns and problems in end

 

in other hand for short get to know people before you lay intereast dont speak to them make them i tereast in you 

[Rahzel 110]

Uhm, this topic is pretty old but just to add to what has been said (particularly by these 2 last commenters, don't think I could have put it better - love yourself too!) in case anyone else is mulling over the same stuff - yes, in my opinion there is such a thing as wanting to "be in love with someone" but not "love someone". Being in love with someone means having an insurge of chemical substances that make you feel good swarming in your brain when you see or talk to your "crush" or whatever, and it's not really a sin to want to feel that just not "learn to love and make a life together" in the long term or whatever it is that people say. It is also okay to want rex (👀) but not to love or be in love with the one you're having it with IMO. And, furthermore, it is okay to be "in love" with someone and then once things do work out want to/learn to do the "love someone" thing and "building a happy life together" and whatnot too. Don't think any of that is too unusual.

 

If there is an invitation for me to get personal lol personally I want to be "in love" sometimes but wanting to "love someone" is a lot more convoluted and harder, in general. So what I think about it is more along the lines of "well, that'd be maybe nice (but is it even possible for me?)". Also, I am what kids nowadays call "romantic asexual" (meaning I don't hate the romance part, though it seems that I have been hating it more and more as of late, but I really don't like the "feeling someone else's body heat/saliva/whatevers" part of romancing) ... which is sort of how I ended up being a crazy bandom/kpop fangirl (tm) - being in love with celebs is just nicer, you can buy a hi-touch/m&g and they won't look at you weirdly as if you're someone they want to dominate or cause any drama if they realize you're happy over headpat/chatting as they get this 50 times a day on average. (this sounds tremendously bitter but i'm 100% srs) There are definitely many different ways of feeling and, well, no matter what "society" or other people may say it's really not a sin as long as you're not hurting anyone (which by the way you're more likely to do if you're faking it anyway).

 

As for joy and depression, well, not sure other people feel joy every day of their lives either. Sure I don't however considering that around 30% + of the world population are likely to suffer of an anxiety disorder (most likely depression) at some point in their lives and I've been prone to it forever I'm probably not a good example but I can tell you the same goes for most people I know. Maybe you're just in the "unlucky half" and some medication/meditation/therapy/life changes or whatever could do good, but it's not uncommon to not feel much joy either. (Not feeling any joy however can be a problem, sure, and for that there's whatever other commenters said!)

Edited August 17, 2020 by Chell