Single People Thread

[nullmoon 784]

Also, sorry to everyone for seemingly hijacking this thread. I must look like a egomaniac but it's totally unintentional ^^"

[Triangle 345]

 

On 5/19/2019 at 1:03 PM, Disposable said:

You can’t just walk up to every 10 on the street and be like ”hey baby do you like dir en grey?” and expect them to care. 

But how hilarious would that be  XD. I would laugh and be surprised that someone asked me about v-kei irl XDD.

 

I tried Tinder in Japan and my favorite conversation was with a man who was trying to plan a whole date for us, but then he ended with "going to a love hotel". I refused to meet up and his reply was "Oh are you a lesbian?".

Other than that, I haven't gotten the hang out of online dating. I might try getting back because, even if I don't get me a man out of this, at least I can meet some people. We'll see how that goes. 

 

The only thing I hate about being single is nosy people. Like, my parents are ok and just let me live, but my aunts and co-workers are so interested in my non-existent love life XD.  

But I'm happy being single so far :D. 

Edited May 28, 2019 by Triangle

[Gesu 1537]

4 minutes ago, Triangle said:

I tried Tinder in Japan and my favorite conversation was with a man who was trying to plan a whole date for us, but then he ended with "going to a love hotel". I refused to meet up and his reply was "Oh are you a lesbian?".

What an egomaniac! "You won't sleep with me so you must be a lesbian". Oof. Ah, well, makes for interesting conversation X)

[platy 3018]

Love and lust are two different things that often go hand in hand. Lust can still be followed by respect and responsibility. There can be love without lust and lust without love. But at least some level of care for the other party/ies will always be present. Well, in most cases. 

 

Edit: there are many levels of romantic love. It isn't just do or die, black or white. After recognising that, maybe the separation of love and lust might make more sense. It is unrealistic to think sex will have no consequences (emotional, physical, spiritual, moral etc.). Some people can manage that, but for the majority? It just ain't like that and you're not faulty if you can't handle casual encounters, you're just human. We're messy like that. 

 

[platy 3018]

Just came across this thread on Twitter. Some more thoughts on the subject 

 

[CAT5 9075]

1 hour ago, nullmoon said:

Dude, I've only interacted with you a few times but i've always seen you as a sage, both musically and culturally. Thank you so much for your insight, it makes so much sense to me.

 

OMG, ahaha!!! I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm far from a sage. I'm actually realizing how much of a bumbling fuckin' idiot I am (and have been)

, and I'm just trying to figure shit out just like you. Any wisdom I may be able to share certainly does not come from me, but i'm grateful that I could at least serve as a vessel for it, so to speak.

1 hour ago, nullmoon said:

I've quoted the part that resonated with me the most as I feel it probably best explains my issues with guilt. In all honesty, things never got as far as sex but it was certainly on the table.

 

However every so often I could see that she looked sad and put two and two together. I never wanted to mislead this woman and made her very aware of where I was at early on. I guess my mistake was being unable to do anything but the 'boyfriend experience'. Fuck being an insensitive douchebag though. I'm not going to care any less for someone just because it's recommended in the alpha male bible. 

 

To be honest, I have feelings for her too but our life goals are different. This is all very confusing. I just don't want to date her and waste her time in the long run, regardless of how compatible we are in pretty much every other area.  

 

ohhhh. I see. Yeah, I definitely feel you on this. It seems to me like your heart/intentions are in one place, but your actions are conveying something else. Like, you're acting like you're in a relationship, yet a relationship with her isn't what you truly want...so yeah, that's bound to cause some confusion. Cuz you're sending two opposing signals at once.

 

Honestly, and I might be seen as ultra-conservative, intense, or even crazy for thinking this way, but who cares..this is why I don't really see the function of arrangements that don't lead to anything permanent...like, otherwise it's just gonna be a waste of time and one or both parties are bound to get hurt in some way.

 

But I also know that shit happens and we often find ourselves in unfavorable situations. I mean, it's not like we're all taught how to properly approach relationships growing up (hell, most of just do what we've seen from other ppl).  If that were the case, professions like "relationship experts/coaches wouldn't exist   So anyways, you've found yourself in a situation, and I think the best thing to do is to just be truthful and honest - but of course you want to do it in a tactful and considerate manner.

 

This also just shows you that you have a heart, man. In a world where it's easy to be cold, callous, and inconsiderate - actually having a heart is a brave thing. It takes real strength. And ain't nothing beta about that!

 

1 hour ago, nullmoon said:

Also, sorry to everyone for seemingly hijacking this thread. I must look like a egomaniac but it's totally unintentional ^^" 

nah, you're good. You're on topic and this is what this thread is for!

 

Random, but It's funny because you actually remind me of myself a bit. As bold as I may come off sometimes, I'm actually super agreeable too. I mean, I've learned to be more assertive over the years, but my default nature is definitely more on the passive side. 

[nullmoon 784]

17 minutes ago, CAT5 said:

 

OMG, ahaha!!! I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm far from a sage. I'm actually realizing how much of a bumbling fuckin' idiot I am (and have been)

, and I'm just trying to figure shit out just like you. Any wisdom I may be able to share certainly does not come from me, but i'm grateful that I could at least serve as a vessel for it, so to speak.

Hahaha well you're at least bossing the APPEARANCE of being a sage!

 

18 minutes ago, CAT5 said:

ohhhh. I see. Yeah, I definitely feel you on this. It seems to me like your heart/intentions are in one place, but your actions are conveying something else. Like, you're acting like you're in a relationship, yet a relationship with her isn't what you truly want...so yeah, that's bound to cause some confusion. Cuz you're sending two opposing signals at once.

 

Honestly, and I might be seen as ultra-conservative, intense, or even crazy for thinking this way, but who cares..this is why I don't really see the function of arrangements that don't lead to anything permanent...like, otherwise it's just gonna be a waste of time and one or both parties are bound to get hurt in some way.

...

But I also know that shit happens I think the best thing to do is to just be truthful and honest - but of course you want to do it in a tactful and considerate manner.

Pretty much. To be honest, the thing that attracted me to the whole FWB thing is that you're a friend first and foremost. I like the idea of caring for someone and being a pseudo-partner without the need for family politics/pressure to marry, have kids etc. In all fairness I naturally just fell into relationship mode because I do genuinely like her. I'm just scared of not providing what she needs further down the line and wasting months/years of her life. 

 

22 minutes ago, CAT5 said:

This also just shows you that you have a heart, man. In a world where it's easy to be cold, callous, and inconsiderate - actually having a heart is a brave thing. It takes real strength. And ain't nothing beta about that!

... 

Random, but It's funny because you actually remind me of myself a bit. As bold as I may come off sometimes, I'm actually super agreeable too. I mean, I've learned to be more assertive over the years, but my default nature is definitely more on the passive side. 

This is because I started listening to The Novembers isn't it? XD In all seriousness though, that's a huge compliment. Thank you so much. 

 

Yeah, I have no powers of assertiveness at all. As I grow older, I seem to be more and more of a people pleaser without taking care of myself. You need to teach me your ways, dude! 

[lichtlune 915]

One thing I'll promise myself if I ever become single again is to never touch that stupid Tinder app ever again. Fuck that. Complete waste of my time. 😅

 

I'd rather be the creepy guy sending girls dm's on Tinder than ever get involved with that again. Completely destroys my self esteem. 

 

[nullmoon 784]

45 minutes ago, lichtlune said:

One thing I'll promise myself if I ever become single again is to never touch that stupid Tinder app ever again. Fuck that. Complete waste of my time. 😅

 

I'd rather be the creepy guy sending girls dm's on Tinder than ever get involved with that again. Completely destroys my self esteem. 

 

Amen. I genuinely felt dirty after using it XD 

[Komorebi 2193]

3 hours ago, Triangle said:

Other than that, I haven't gotten the hang out of online dating. I might try getting back because, even if I don't get me a man out of this, at least I can meet some people. We'll see how that goes. 

I tried Tinder for making friends and all I got was people asking if I wanted/had weed

[Triangle 345]

19 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

I tried Tinder for making friends and all I got was people asking if I wanted/had weed

 LUCKY!! I wanna be asked if I wanted weed too XD. 

Jk, but using Tinder to make friends is veryyyy tricky. I found out that even though it says in their bio that they're looking for friends, they're not 😕

[CAT5 9075]

9 hours ago, Gesu said:

That's really interesting. If that's the case, I'm kinda curious as to how so many people separate love and lust. I've known a fair few people who have managed to fuck around with people without falling in love. Obviously, you have to trust them a lot to have sex with them - like, a whole hell of a lot - but a decent amount of people have managed to not fall in love afterwards.

Oh, definitely, sis. It's perfectly possible to separate the two. In fact, it's pretty easy. Plenty of people do it, and I've done it in the past too. But I just don't think it's a good idea to separate the two. And just because plenty of people do it and things seem fine on the outside, that doesn't necessarily make it functional.

 

Like, let's look at it. What's the end goal of lust? To basically "get off", to "bust a nut", to "feel good",right? Ok. Well then what's love? We could say that it's investing in someone else as you would yourself. Caring for someone else as you would yourself. Doing right by someone else regardless of how you feel. I think those are pretty sound definitions.

 

So you can imagine if you remove love from sex and you simply engage in it for lust's sake, well then you open up the door to all manner of dysfunction. Because if you're operating under lust, then feeling good becomes your highest priority. There's nothing wrong with feeling good, but it's immature and irresponsible to treat sex as if it isn't connected to all of those other things, especially love.

 

If you want a prime example of what happens on a large scale when love is removed from the act of sex, all you have to do is examine the so-called black community here in the United States. Our culture has become one that promotes and pedastalizes promiscuity and whoredom, and our family structures have been utterly destroyed because of it. In 1960, something like 22% of black children were raised in single parent families - now OVER 70% of black children are raised in single parents families. That's fuckin crazy. And don't even get me started on the abortion stats.

 

Why is all of that that relevant tho?  Because family is essentially the building block of society itself - so if the family is destroyed, well then so is the broader community. Likewise the individual is also impaired because they're raised in these destroyed families and further effected by these destroyed communities. When it comes to human relations, nothing ever truly happens in a vacuum - and so you can begin to see the far-reaching effects that the decisions of just one individual can have - for better or worse.

 

 

So yeah, I think divorcing "love" from sex is a horrible idea, because I've seen and experienced the catastrophic effects that it's reaped upon the lives of many people. I've seen what it does to people when they make "feeling good" their highest priority - consequences become completely irrelevant, or an afterthought at best. For instance, I have five nieces and nephews who haven't seen their father in over a year simply because their mother decided she wanted to "live her best life" and chase strange dick. And this was an instance where both the children and the mother were properly being cared and provided for - hell, the kids wanted stay with their father. So just like that - BOOM! instant trauma inflicted upon 5 children and perfectly sanctioned by the U.S. Government. Likewise, I know plenty of single mothers who were impregnated by irresponsible men that decided they were worth busting a nut in, but not sticking around and caring for. There was no love present in any of these decisions. Here are some staggeringly tragic stats on the effects of fatherlessness if you're curious as to why this is such a big deal.

 

All of the heartache, the pain, and the misery caused by reckless, impulsive, lust-based sexual decisions could simply be avoided it people knew how to integrate sex into their life in a functional manner that doesn't have these resoundingly negative effects. Sadly, we don't know how to do that. And society is quick to tell you "do whatever makes you happy/feel good", but they don't tell you all the pain and misery that you bring upon yourself and others when you make that your highest priority/value.

 

So anyways, I hope this explains my stance on it.  Obviously, ppl are free to do whatever they want, but I think going about sex like that is a bad idea.

[Yukimoto 1237]

@CAT5 I totally agree with you with everything you said and it's even that much more crazier when you move abroad and people's main focus for wanting to talk to you or meet you on chats or in person is just because they want to have sex with foreigners. Totally not anything I'm looking for so I stay clear but it is the driving force for why people want to meet you in a country you are not from, especially if it's dominated by only a single race and there is stereotypes too....

 

But I feel like a majority of people are only after one thing and being abroad I felt it actually more than being at home. I mean to each their own but a majority of people don't want to put a label on anything and just want to have a lot of sex with a lot of people and may keep you around if you're good but don't want to move any farther then that. That does crate problems in the minds of others because they assume everyone is the same.  Based on my looks people just think I've had sex with a lot of random people and I'm like that is not true actually. That is not my thing but it creates so many different mind sets when people don't do it for love and only for lust. And then there is the act of finding someone who isn't like that which can be that much harder too. The likelihood of finding someone who just wants sex is way higher than finding someone who actually wants to care for you. The worlds so messed up in my opinion and lots of people don't care about how their actions can affect others and is just after personal gain.   

[sleepy coffee 1476]

been single for the better part of the past 4-5 years. used to date and get around the years prior to that ALOT and it was mostly just a bunch of fucked up and shitty relationships and nowadays i have no idea how id even begin to entertain the idea of dating again lol. part of my pretty happy and stress free being single but another part thinks it would be nice to be in a relationship again 

[Marchen 116]

20 hours ago, nullmoon said:

For anyone considering a friend with benefits arrangement, here's some advice from this bumbling idiot: Don't. 

 

It works for me, maybe she suggested because It was her way of getting something? Well, my bad

[nullmoon 784]

2 hours ago, Marchen said:

 

It works for me, maybe she suggested because It was her way of getting something? Well, my bad

I think she thought she could handle it but I kind of exceeded her expectations and ended up being prime bf material for her. It turns out she's everything I would look for in a partner too...bar the fact she would want to get married and have kids. 

[Gesu 1537]

@CAT5 Thanks for replying, that was a really interesting and insightful read. I've actually been learning about family structures as part of my sociology A-level for the past year so I already knew about the insane amounts of single-parent black families, but I never really knew why. I didn't know it was because casual sex was so idolised in the community. Actually, it made me think of something.

 

So, I'm from an all-white family. I'm not gonna go into gross amounts of detail, but long story short, my dad died when I was a kid and my mum started "dating" again just so she could get off. She even told me that she just saw a partner as a friend you have sex with and that if I ever dated someone and didn't have sex with him soon, he would leave me and she wouldn't sympathise with me. She was one of those people. Brought up all sorts of questions... did she ever really love my dad? Probably. She was with him for seventeen years and she squeezed out two of his kids. Although, her saying that and acting the way she did does still make me wonder what she felt when she was with him, and if it really was love. I guess it doesn't really bear thinking about because I'll never find out and there's nothing I can do to change the past, and even if there was... would I? I don't know.

 

Anyways, my point is, you're right that people are willing to put themselves first to an extreme and unhealthy extent when they prioritise sex over love. Honestly, it makes me worry about the future and what's gonna happen to me because... ehehe...

 

Spoiler

I have been very sexually frustrated for a while now. I don't even think I want a romantic relationship because I don't think about that as much I used to. Dgmw, I don't think I'm incapable of falling in love and I would want to be with someone for as long as possible if I did, but it's not as much of a priority as... the other thing. It's kinda difficult for me to talk about because I'm inexperienced (eighteen years old and never even been kissed) and I guess I didn't exactly have the best mentor growing up - that, and I'm pretty bashful anyways - but I really have to say something now because it's driving me crazy. It's not like I've never had the opportunity because people have asked to kiss me and whatnot, but I just wasn't attracted to them enough, so at least I know I'm not desperate. It goes the other way around, too; I've been attracted to people and even had feelings, but they didn't reciprocate them. Idk, sorry if this is a bit awkward and venty. It's just been festering in my mind for a year or more now and I needed to say something. I don't think it's often I say or do this kind of thing, but I guess once in a while is fine.

 

[Komorebi 2193]

40 minutes ago, Gesu said:

if I ever dated someone and didn't have sex with him soon, he would leave me and she wouldn't sympathise with me.

I was told this by a few "friends" when I came out as asexual and it pretty much destroyed my already low ability to interact with people outside of the internet. I am quick to push potential friends away out of fear they'll push me away once they realize I won't have sex with them and the only lasting friendships I've been able to form lately have been strictly online/long distance.

The prevalent prioritization of sex over love or any sort of connection even hurts those who choose not to (or are unable to).

I felt really good reading @CAT5, made me feel a bit hopeful for the world again.

[ghost 2687]

1 hour ago, Komorebi said:

I was told this by a few "friends" when I came out as asexual and it pretty much destroyed my already low ability to interact with people outside of the internet. I am quick to push potential friends away out of fear they'll push me away once they realize I won't have sex with them and the only lasting friendships I've been able to form lately have been strictly online/long distance.

No one should ever try to use you for their own motives and then break that relationship if they don't get what they want. You have so much more value than that. 

 

 

@Gesu I mean, there are...er hrmm....ways to channel that frustration on the more individual level XD I get it though. I'm much older than you and I've yet to even kiss a girl. I'm really careful about that kind of thing (or so I tell myself) and, to @CAT5 's point, I want to make sure when it happens, it happens right. Sex will always be there, so there's no problem in taking it slow. 

Edited May 29, 2019 by ghost

[Yukimoto 1237]

@Gesu Oh most definitely the act of wanting to just have sex with multiple people is not only in the black community. Japan has low  birth rates and people assume that Japanese people may go extinct but that doesn't mean they aren't having sex because a lot of people still have many partners and just do it as the thing they like to do without attaching a name to it. I also feel you on the wanting to date people that is your type and that's a good thing to have because that means that you still want what's best for you and that even though you may not know if you want love or not I think you do or you would just have sex with anyone. Even those that are attractive have sex with unattractive people or people that aren't there style because they just wanted to have sex so you aren't there yet. But all races are under the same boat it's just that some aren't outright saying it like others do.

 

@Komorebi don't let it get you down that not many people are asexual but also sexuality is fluid and can change at any time I think. But don't let it deter you from making friends and if you really don't want to have sex then don't. Internet friends are totally cool too, but if you can meet those type of people online then you can most definitely meet the in real life. They probably are going through the same things you are, too. So something to bond over and really start a great relationship off of ^_^.

 

@ghost most definitely the correct mind set to have honestly. It is totally true that you could always have sex but not everyone can say that they've only done with people worth it and not just as a fling! Keep doing you!

[CAT5 9075]

@Gesu - That's one of the major reasons, but I wouldn't say it's the only one. The rabbit hole actually goes pretty deep, and there's a bit too much for me to try and explain here. But essentially, you're dealing with a group who've been radically disconnected from their heritage and way of life. Ppl don't realize that so-called African Americans were enslaved in the U.S. longer than we've been "free", and we have no idea who we are or where we come from (Saying "Africa" doesn't help, because Africa is just a continent - a huge one - with tons of countries and cultures, etc) plus, to top it all off, this country has never given a damn about us. So you're talking about a people with lots of deeply ingrained trauma that's gone unaddressed and unhealed for generations.So dysfunction abounds. It's honestly a clusterfuck.

 

In regards to the rest of your post - i'm not really qualified to offer any insight there. But personally speaking , I've come to think that sex before marriage is a bad idea. Obviously, that's not a popular view, and certainly not one supported by society at large. Heck, It's actually one that I just recently began to understand myself. So if I could say anything, I'd say just try to make the best possible decisions you can.

 

@Komorebi oh wow, all praises. I'm glad I could inspire a bit of hope. But in all honesty, i didn't care about any of this stuff a few years ago, and i thought and behaved like most people: "do whatever makes you feel good/happy"...until I realized how dangerous and destructive that doctrine is. Now i'm just trying to do better.

 

@ghost - You're right. It's almost scary how easy it is to get sex these days, especially with how prevalent thot culture is. All it takes is a DM or the right glance in public. So there's plenty of that available, but i think because of all the easy access, the quality of potential partners has declined because being a person of some quality is no longer required to get laid - generally speaking.

 

But in spite of the seemingly desolate playing field, there's always hope. You have to think, if you feel the way you do about relationships, there is no doubt other people out there who feel the same way.  You'll be surprised. I praise The Most High that the woman i'm currently dating subscribes to the same beliefs that I do - it makes a whole world of difference!

[nullmoon 784]

Soooooo just as an update, even friendship was difficult due to emotions so I had to draw a line and say I couldn't do it any more. I don't want her to get hurt so this is the only way. By her request, I've now blocked her too. Hello again, Loneliness. 

 

I feel really low as we had so much in common and were really attracted to each other. However it was way too much too soon. I know I made the right choice as I stuck to my morals...it just really sucks not having a like-minded person to talk to all day. I feel like I've gone through another break up ugh.

 

This better be worth it. The universe better reward me fucking big time for having a conscience >.<

[itsukoii 1300]

ended my first relationship today (1yr 3 months). it went smoothly and i'm glad we mutually agreed we're better off as friends. but it still sucks, and after being in a relationship for so long i have this newly developed fear that i'll be alone forever even though i've NEVER given a shit about that lmao. hopefully it'll start to go away as i start focusing on my personal growth again. i regret none of it, because there was a LOT of valuable knowledge to take away from it. i start uni in the fall, so i want to take the summer to really get my act together. here's to a new chapter, i guess? i'm feeling optimistic, even if it's hard. i feel really relieved.

 

if anyone has tips for dealing with a breakup tho, hey, send em my way ,,

[plastic_rainbow 2162]

nvm

Edited August 2, 2019 by plastic_rainbow

[nullmoon 784]

On 6/24/2019 at 12:25 AM, itsukoii said:

ended my first relationship today (1yr 3 months). it went smoothly and i'm glad we mutually agreed we're better off as friends. but it still sucks, and after being in a relationship for so long i have this newly developed fear that i'll be alone forever even though i've NEVER given a shit about that lmao. hopefully it'll start to go away as i start focusing on my personal growth again. i regret none of it, because there was a LOT of valuable knowledge to take away from it. i start uni in the fall, so i want to take the summer to really get my act together. here's to a new chapter, i guess? i'm feeling optimistic, even if it's hard. i feel really relieved.

 

if anyone has tips for dealing with a breakup tho, hey, send em my way ,,

First of all, I hope you're ok! Breakups are rough, especially if you genuinely like each other. Sadly not all good relationships are meant to be but having this knowledge really helps you have a better sense of self. Things will work out in the end (at least that's what I keep telling myself). 

 

I went through a similar thing back in March. We had different life goals and only realised it almost 3 years in. The relationship was starting to suffer due to these differences and it was getting me down so we had a big talk, had a big think, and mutually agreed to be friends. It's been almost 5 months and things have been completely fine and we still meet up to catch up, talk about our terrible love lives etc XD 

 

The best thing to do is embrace your newfound freedom and start focusing on yourself. I've found it really beneficial to just do what I want to do for a change, whether it's playing games, reading, or going for a long drive. Use the time to learn more about yourself, what you want from life, and what you want from a relationship. It'll really help when the next person comes along! 

 

I've spoken to a few women recently and instead of latching onto them immediately, I've assessed if they really fit what I'm looking for. Even though we would get on really well, the 'negatives' (shall we say) were too glaring to overlook in the grand scheme of things. However, knowing I'm more resolute in what I want now means that my future girlfriend/s will truly be a better fit and I'll be happier. 

 

And don't worry about being alone. Statistically speaking there are hundreds if not thousands of people out there who you're truly compatible with. You just need time and confidence in who you want to be and things will work themselves out 

 

Sorry for the essay, just thought I'd offload all the ideas that have helped me over the past few months