A Dramatic Retelling of the Time the Dude from Undeux Went Missing but then Ordered a Pizza With the Band's Line Account
by The Reverend
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. TOKYO ALLEYWAY, ENTRANCE TO IKEBUKURO BLACK HOLE -- EVENING
CUT TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM
The vanity shelves are filled with various makeup and hair products. Members from various indies VK bands are milling about; applying makeup, styling hair, strumming vacantly on guitars. As we pan to the rear corner the members of Undeux are half in costume chatting while getting dressed.
(If writing is visible it is in Japanese. All speech is in English.)
AL (GUITAR)
Can you believe this asshole? He was supposed to be here like two hours ago? What if he doesn't show?
Luchat turns away from the mirror while affixing feathers to his wig.
LUCHAT (DRUMS)
Can any of you guys sing?
AL
Riku couldn't sing! Anyone willing to get up there and just kinda shriek occasionally while pointing into the audience and making up some furi?
Koji is sitting on the floor applying fake blood to his face.
KOJI (BASS)
No can do. You guys are already making me play bass; I've got enough to try and remember.
AL
Damnit.
Kai walks through the door in full stage makeup buttoning his bloody white shirt.
KAI (GUITAR)
Hey has anyone heard from...
AL
No.
KOJI
No.
LUCHAT
Nope.
KAI
Damnit.
AL
Alright we can't not go on stage now...
Al spots a couple of boxes (formerly containing hairspray bottles) near the corner of the room and raises his eyebrows furtively.
AL (CONT'D)
I've got an idea!
CROSSFADE from Al cutting one of the boxes with a pair of scissors to the band performing on stage with a 3-foot tall cutout of a person taped to a mic stand instead of a vocalist. The cutout has been splattered with fake blood.
FADE TO BLACK as the band performs.
ACT TWO
EXT. A NONDESCRIPT APARTMENT COMPLEX IN EDOGAWA. TWO DAYS LATER. -- NIGHT
CUT TO:
INT. A SMALL JAPANESE APARTMENT WITH LOTS OF BAND POSTERS ON THE WALL. SOME FLOWERS/CARTOON PLUSHES/PRODUCTS THAT INDICATE IT IS A WOMAN'S ROOM ARE VISIBLE. A 20-SOMETHING GIRL IS LOUNGING ON THE BED MESSING WITH HER CELL PHONE.
RIKU is sitting Indian-style on the floor with a laptop on his lap. There is some hard (but not offensively brutal) rock playing on his laptop speakers.
RIKU (VOCALS, UNDEUX)
You hungry babe?
GIRL on the bed does not look up or to check whether or not her response is heard.
GIRL
Hmm?
RIKU
Want to go out?
GIRL
Ehh.
RIKU
Well *I'm* hungry. Let's go grab some food.
GIRL
I don't get paid till Friday, I'm kinda broke.
RIKU has stood up and is rifling through the small cupboard and refrigerator.
RIKU
Damn, me too. I'm sick of instant noodles though, I'm gonna order some pizza. Whatchu want on your half?
GIRL
Where you ordering from?
RIKU
That Italian place downstairs. You can just hit 'em up on Line to order.
GIRL
Corn and mayo!
RIKU
Gross, fine.
RIKU grabs his laptop and starts typing.
SFX: PAN OUT THROUGH WINDOW TO WIDE SHOT OF APARTMENT BUILDING WITH GATHERING THUNDERSTORM IN THE BACKGROUND.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL HITS.
FADE TO BLACK:
ACT THREE
EXT. SAME EDOGAWA APARTMENT COMPLEX. TWO HOURS LATER. -- NIGHT
INT. SAME APARTMENT. MOSTLY FINISHED PIZZA/BOX SIT ON THE TABLE. GIRL IS STILL MINDLESSLY PLAYING WITH PHONE BUT LAYING WITH HEAD ON FOOT OF BED.
RIKU is finishing a slice of pizza as he sits down at his computer again, looking very satisfied.
MUSIC: OMINOUS BUT FAINT
RIKU is reading intently on computer when his face drops and grows pale. He instinctively covers his mouth with his hand while continuing to scroll.
RIKU
Oh fuck.
GIRL
Huh?
RIKU
Oh fuck oh fuck.
GIRL looks up from phone at RIKU. She is still lying on the bed.
GIRL
What's up?
RIKU stands and begins pacing on the small apartment floor.
RIKU
Oh man this is not good... I was logged into the band's account when I ordered that pizza!
GIRL
Didn't you quit that band?
RIKU
I did! But I guess I hadn't logged out and into my own Line on my laptop. Shit! I didn't show up to our last show those guys are gonna be so pissed at me!
GIRL sits up.
GIRL
Why were they expecting you at their show?
RIKU
Well, I quit the band... but didn't really tell them it would be *immediately*. They've been texting me non-stop.
GIRL
Oh my god, you idiot.
RIKU
I was trying to let them down easy!
GIRL
Just pay them back.
RIKU
I'm not worried about the money!
GIRL
Is this really that big a deal?
RIKU
Oh my god yes, you don't fuck with Rame and get away with it. I need to call my lawyer.
GIRL
*Your* lawyer? Who do you think you are? You definitely don't have some lawyer on retainer.
RIKU
I... you know what I mean!
Seriously, I could be in some shit.
SFX: PAN OUT THROUGH WINDOW TO WIDE SHOT OF APARTMENT WHILE RIKU IS PACING AND DIALING A NUMBER ON HIS CELL PHONE. IT IS RAINING HARD AND A SINGLE CROW IS CAWING ON SOME POWER LINES BELOW THEIR APARTMENT WINDOW.
FADE TO BLACK:
ACT FOUR
EXT. AN UNIDENTIFIED AVERAGE TOKYO STREET. MANY PEOPLE ARE GOING ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS IN STORES ON THE STREETS -- DAY
INT. A LUXURIOUSLY APPOINTED OFFICE. THE FOUR NON-VOCALIST MEMBERS OF UNDEUX SIT ON ONE SIDE OF A LARGE WOODEN DESK. A LARGE BALD BODYGUARD-TYPE MAN STANDS NEAR THE DOOR WEARING A SUIT AND SUNGLASSES. THE BAND, IN CASUAL CLOTHES, ARE FACING THE BACK OF A STATELY LEATHER OFFICE CHAIR ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK.
The chair slowly spins around to reveal RAME of the record label GLKingdom and former bassist of VK band Vidoll. RAME is wearing a charcoal suit and a black tie.
RAME
Thank you for meeting me. Let's discuss how we can resolve this unfortunate... 'incident'.
KAI
Well...
The members of Undeux look at each other nervously.
AL
Well, we want to keep going. We were hoping, you know, that maybe you knew a vocalist who would be interested...
RAME laughs softly.
AL (CONT'D)
...in joining the band.
RAME
Yes, yes. That can all be arranged. I was speaking more about what to do with Riku.
LUCHAT
Wha...?
KOJI
We still haven't heard from him.
AL
Well, other than the pizza thing.
LUCHAT
Yeah, what a dick.
RAME pulls a white envelope from a drawer.
RAME
First, he quits the band and no-shows despite promising me he'd keep performing till the summer.
RAME (CONT'D)
Then, he hides and doesn't return any of my calls or texts. And finally...
RAME opens the letter contained in the envelope.
RAME (CONT'D)
...I get a letter from a lawyer claiming that the record deal you all signed was invalid and Riku not showing up was not a breach of contract at all.
The members of Undeux are fidgeting in their seats but do not say anything.
RAME (CONT'D)
Our friend Riku needs a lesson in respect and honor.
KOJI
What do you...?
RAME nods at the large man standing by the door. The bodyguard nods back and exits the room.
RAME
Let's not worry about Riku any longer.
The members of Undeux look slightly afraid but don't move or speak.
RAME (CONT'D)
Now, about finding you guys a new vocalist... have you heard of the band QEDDESHET?
FADE TO BLACK:
ACT FIVE
EXT. A GRIMEY TOKYO ALLEYWAY. IT IS RAINING LIGHTLY -- EVENING
RIKU runs around a corner and places his hands on his knees to try to catch his breath. He is looking from side to side very nervously. RIKU starts walking quickly, while often looking over his shoulder, toward one end of the alley.
As RIKU approaches a large man in a dark suit appears at the end of the alley that RIKU is headed toward. RIKU,
panicked, turns and begins running in the opposite direction.
RIKU is sprinting and splashing through puddles of the alley. As he nears the corner he appeared from originally another man in a suit emerges holding a black handgun.
RIKU
No! Please...
The second suited man emotionlessly aims the gun at RIKU and pulls the trigger. The man wipes the gun with his pocket square and lays the gun down beside Riku's body. The suited men walk away quickly but confidently.
OVERHEAD SHOT:
Camera slowly pans upward as the blood from RIKU's gunshot mixes with the water his body is lying in. Camera pans upward until it is above the roofline and even the silhouette of RIKU's lifeless body has disappeared from view.
CUT TO:
INT. UNNAMED TOKYO LIVE HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PERFORMANCE.
The band Undeux are walking out onstage to a pulsing techno track. A new, unidentified vocalist comes out last to lots of shouting from the crowd. The intro track ends and a drum fill signals the beginning of Undeux's first song. The new vocalist crouches over and unleashes an imperfect but earnest pig-squeal as the guitars kick in.
The camera finds RAME at the rear of the club watching dispassionately. The large suited man from his office approaches and whispers something into his ear that is unheard over the band's performance.
One corner of RAME's lips fold upward into a wry smile.
FADE TO BLACK:
TITLE CARD: fin.
Because these guys actually USE their MITSU-money to self-produce stuff and are having fun doing so!
Instead of other bandomen using money for themselves....
Really, I often wonder with this band where they get their money from....
They are honestly enjoying what they do and
1. Take a lot of shit for it (the guys have commented on that)
2. Are "not obviously" money greedy guys, but want everyone to enjoy their show with furitsuke classes before their free oneman, hashtags for fans to find friends on twitter and a stamp card system that is based on "actually going to see the band" instead of purchases...
3. They regularily get into trouble for doing parodies (Pentagon Shonen Waltz parody was prohibited after they released a sample, produced Reverse Mymelo merch also had to be destroyed)
Also their core fanbase is really small... 10-25 regualars?
So let them do their parodies as long as their money lasts. 😁
Maybe they will take on your favourite band next!
The band I am talking about is Lack-co. It is just such a strange atmosphere among the fans... i do speak a bit japanese and I did talk with them.
Probably just Lack-co though...
All other bands seemingly have warmer and nicer fans.... There I had really good experience with the gya. They help me get tickets, buy stuff, write messages for the band etc. 😊
So I sometimes travel to Japan to follow my band and I bought some tickest on twitter from the usual saizen people.
At first I thought they were unfriendly and the fans were super cold (other fans had the same impression) but during my last trip they actually reserved/offered spots in saizen for me.... 🤥
I am still doubting them a lot but of course I am grateful to them, too.
Have any of you ever experienced something like that?
I also had a band were everyone was one big family with the gyas even sharing rides with me and exchanging my tickets before the lives for better numbers etc.
So I sometimes travel to Japan to follow my band and I bought some tickest on twitter from the usual saizen people.
At first I thought they were unfriendly and the fans were super cold (other fans had the same impression) but during my last trip they actually reserved/offered spots in saizen for me.... 🤥
I am still doubting them a lot but of course I am grateful to them, too.
Have any of you ever experienced something like that?
I also had a band were everyone was one big family with the gyas even sharing rides with me and exchanging my tickets before the lives for better numbers etc.
Because these guys actually USE their MITSU-money to self-produce stuff and are having fun doing so!
Instead of other bandomen using money for themselves....
Really, I often wonder with this band where they get their money from....
They are honestly enjoying what they do and
1. Take a lot of shit for it (the guys have commented on that)
2. Are "not obviously" money greedy guys, but want everyone to enjoy their show with furitsuke classes before their free oneman, hashtags for fans to find friends on twitter and a stamp card system that is based on "actually going to see the band" instead of purchases...
3. They regularily get into trouble for doing parodies (Pentagon Shonen Waltz parody was prohibited after they released a sample, produced Reverse Mymelo merch also had to be destroyed)
Also their core fanbase is really small... 10-25 regualars?
So let them do their parodies as long as their money lasts. 😁
Maybe they will take on your favourite band next!
This one wasn't really good but the 有害メンヘラドール one made me spill my coke on the table. Seriously.
The lyrics are soooooooooo funny.
I like them tho because their parodies are really funny. I don't understand why stuff like Golden Bomber are famous instead, but this guys, i'd give them my 500 yen coin to see them once
Because these guys actually USE their MITSU-money to self-produce stuff and are having fun doing so!
Instead of other bandomen using money for themselves....
Really, I often wonder with this band where they get their money from....
They are honestly enjoying what they do and
1. Take a lot of shit for it (the guys have commented on that)
2. Are "not obviously" money greedy guys, but want everyone to enjoy their show with furitsuke classes before their free oneman, hashtags for fans to find friends on twitter and a stamp card system that is based on "actually going to see the band" instead of purchases...
3. They regularily get into trouble for doing parodies (Pentagon Shonen Waltz parody was prohibited after they released a sample, produced Reverse Mymelo merch also had to be destroyed)
Also their core fanbase is really small... 10-25 regualars?
So let them do their parodies as long as their money lasts. 😁
Maybe they will take on your favourite band next!
Masato reacted to TomoMAD in [UPDATE: IT'S BACK] Tanuki is down; is this the end?
Masato got a reaction from keilu in 怪盗戦隊ヌスムンジャー (Kaitou Sentai Nusumunja) new single "金欠ピラニア" release
Masato got a reaction from IGM_Oficial in Relationships with Japanese Bangya
Masato got a reaction from ricchubunny in Relationships with Japanese Bangya
Masato got a reaction from Alkaloid in 怪盗戦隊ヌスムンジャー (Kaitou Sentai Nusumunja) new single "金欠ピラニア" release
Masato got a reaction from Yukami in 怪盗戦隊ヌスムンジャー (Kaitou Sentai Nusumunja) new single "金欠ピラニア" release