I'm really resentful all the time. I can control it really well but it's always there. It doesn't actually affect me in any way other than it's just... there. I'm assertive, I can stand up for myself, I say what I believe in, I'm always honest and I'm never out to hurt anyone, and I don't think most people can even tell I have these resentments, but they're always there and their presence is just so internally dominant. I wish I could say everything I want to say to everyone who hurt me, but I'll never see them again and it's for the best if I don't. I can't forgive them because forgiveness is an emotion, not an action, and it has to be felt before it's dealt, and I know that if I ever said I forgave those people, I'd just be lying to myself and letting them back into my life only so they could betray my trust again. If not them, I'd be letting others do it in the future and not learning from the past. If I forgive people all the time, they just depend on me and get me down. If I don't and just never speak to them ever again, this happens. I'm holding at least four grudges, and I've had to stop loving people whom many would argue I should love "unconditionally" (I don't even believe in unconditional love). It doesn't affect the way I behave in front of others, and I don't even have depression because of it, but it's admittedly very tiring having imaginary conversations with people I don't even like. I would speak to a professional but I know they'd just offer me ways to control it when I can already do that. This is more to do with my heart and how it reacts to all this. Thank fuck I can let my head rule my heart and not go off on anyone because of this because if I couldn't, then I'd probably get arrested.
Sorry about this. This isn't the first time I've vented like this lately and I feel bad for it because I don't usually like it when people vent all the time to me (I'm okay with every now and again, but not if it becomes habitual), so I really am sorry. I just needed to get this out somehow because it's been on my mind for about a year or so. This is hopefully the last time I'll do this here, or at least the last time for a long time.