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@Gesu i would say the same,but right now i'm feeling good.
you know how it is,sometimes you're ok,sometimes you feel like shit,sometimes you feel WORSE than shit...just life.

Thank you, that really means a lot. Speaking of, how are things lately? You don't have to say too much if you don't want to.

i'll just take this chance to say that you are a really good person
i didn't forget the nice response/interaction you and others gave me here.

you know such things as successful career, family and true love are not so common, even among people who don't struggle with depression...but i think the point is in trying to achieve such things anyway. maybe you will achieve an ideal, maybe you won't, but step by step you will make your life much more comfortable. you've said you have some things to finish, and you want to find a better job, so it means you do have some goals in life, so, can't these goals themselves become your "structure" instead of geek stuff? if you find a better job that will be your first step to a good career. and maybe you'll meet the love of your life there~ maybe not, who knows. but anyway it will be more comfortable to work in a place that doesn't disguist you.
tell me about your cat btw .w.

@yomii your thoughts makes sense again,and sorry about your ex. I really need this "whatever" button in my life. But we need something meaningful to hang on while "enjoying" these moments, don't you agree? like a well succeeded career,family and a true love. My cat and my geek stuff won't give me the "structure" I need to stay strong living in this shit world

@yomii your thoughts makes sense again,and sorry about your ex. I really need this "whatever" button in my life. But we need something meaningful to hang on while "enjoying" these moments, don't you agree? like a well succeeded career,family and a true love. My cat and my geek stuff won't give me the "structure" I need to stay strong living in this shit world

i know what you're talking about, my first ex commited suicide a year ago. of course it's not as bad as losing your relatives, i can't even imaging how horrifying it must be. but being half dead - well, i know that feeling. life is a fucking joke huh. i don't even think focusing on new things is a good solution - suppressing your inner thoughts doesn't solve the problem. idk what will work for you, but i've read some books and they helped me accept different things. i still don't think life is a piece of cake or something meaningful but now i'm like okay whatever, let's have some nice moments at least before i end up in grave

@yomii actually,your thoughts are pretty much like mine and makes sense to me.Notice that I've said a "better" life and not "new". I don't believe things can be completely erased either,we just wait for it to lose its power and learn how to live with it, paying attention to other things. But if you experienced death through someone else's death (a loss),you will never be the same, it's like living half dead, many things loses it's taste,the colors of many things are simply drained. Some people can "turn the page" by focusing on new things, some others like me keeps running in circles in the dark.

@yomii actually,your thoughts are pretty much like mine and makes sense to me.Notice that I've said a "better" life and not "new". I don't believe things can be completely erased either,we just wait for it to lose its power and learn how to live with it, paying attention to other things. But if you experienced death through someone else's death (a loss),you will never be the same, it's like living half dead, many things loses it's taste,the colors of many things are simply drained. Some people can "turn the page" by focusing on new things, some others like me keeps running in circles in the dark.

well i'm afraid you can't just erase negativity completely, you have to learn how to live with what you have, trying to become a better self maybe? idk where i'm going with this tbh, but i don't really believe that one can "turn the page", "start new life" etc. so, like, it's not meaningless to fight with your negative self, but hoping for perfect results can make it all worse. and what does your negativity say to you when you try to do something meaningful?
i'm sorry if i'm talking bullshit or asking stupid questions ._.

Feeling absurdly idiot writing all of this,you guys have no idea,but thank you for caring about. I know everyone here has a sad story to tell or some problem to deal with as well. I know that I'm not the only one. I'm not sitting here making drama on the internet and consuming alcohol. Actually,I do the best I can to not lose control and just carry on my life,I live by myself,paying my bills and stuff,but you know what? It doesn't worth it.

Feeling absurdly idiot writing all of this,you guys have no idea,but thank you for caring about. I know everyone here has a sad story to tell or some problem to deal with as well. I know that I'm not the only one. I'm not sitting here making drama on the internet and consuming alcohol. Actually,I do the best I can to not lose control and just carry on my life,I live by myself,paying my bills and stuff,but you know what? It doesn't worth it.

Tried to do things right, changing my habits, abandoning my vices, but I've just climbed to fall from a higher place.it was extremely frustrating,but not the first time that I fail,not at all. I'm a "problematic person" since I was 14 when my mother and grandmother died. Nothing works my way since then,I always fail

To say it quickly,I had a nice job and frequenting a nice university ,but I couldn't deal with both anymore bcuz  of "depression" or whatever that was ,it was compromising my behavior and my productivity,so I decided to quit both.Finded a job that I hated, but easy to "execute", something that I wouldn't need to do any mental effort.However,I really hated that job,but after 2 years taking it and a lot of bad things I finally decided to quit this job as well and "turn the page",but again I'm struggling with negative self talking again and anxiety,I'm scared.

I've already said here that I've deleted all the other social media accounts I had few years ago, exactly because I was tired of "shocking" people with these "heavy" posts.tired of my own drama. nowadays all I have is this "small" place in this forum where I can say what's in my head,and honestly,it seems to be enough cuz there's a lot of response,it almost feels like a brotherhood. that's just 1% one percent of all the negativity that's going on in my head,and usually I save it to myself but i was drunk and ended up saying that and fell asleep afterwards.

i must say i genuinely respect you for having strength to say all of this. and i'm sorry for your loss.
so now you've quitted your job and haven't got a new one yet? can't decide what to do next?

Feeling absurdly idiot writing all of this,you guys have no idea,but thank you for caring about. I know everyone here has a sad story to tell or some problem to deal with as well. I know that I'm not the only one. I'm not sitting here making drama on the internet and consuming alcohol. Actually,I do the best I can to not lose control and just carry on my life,I live by myself,paying my bills and stuff,but you know what? It doesn't worth it.

Tried to do things right, changing my habits, abandoning my vices, but I've just climbed to fall from a higher place.it was extremely frustrating,but not the first time that I fail,not at all. I'm a "problematic person" since I was 14 when my mother and grandmother died. Nothing works my way since then,I always fail

To say it quickly,I had a nice job and frequenting a nice university ,but I couldn't deal with both anymore bcuz  of "depression" or whatever that was ,it was compromising my behavior and my productivity,so I decided to quit both.Finded a job that I hated, but easy to "execute", something that I wouldn't need to do any mental effort.However,I really hated that job,but after 2 years taking it and a lot of bad things I finally decided to quit this job as well and "turn the page",but again I'm struggling with negative self talking again and anxiety,I'm scared.

I've already said here that I've deleted all the other social media accounts I had few years ago, exactly because I was tired of "shocking" people with these "heavy" posts.tired of my own drama. nowadays all I have is this "small" place in this forum where I can say what's in my head,and honestly,it seems to be enough cuz there's a lot of response,it almost feels like a brotherhood. that's just 1% one percent of all the negativity that's going on in my head,and usually I save it to myself but i was drunk and ended up saying that and fell asleep afterwards.

Are you getting help for this? I'm sorry, I know that's probably something you've been asked a million times before, but I've seen a lot of stuff like this from you and I can't help but worry. Besides, professional help is going to help you more than any of us can. You can talk to me if you need to and I might be able to do something, but I doubt I'm going to be able to do everything.

Life is sometimes a mess, I hope you'll find help, thats very serious.

🙏🙏🙏 bless death

If you need to talk about it - I'm here. 

@123Sandman321 venting and making sure if there's people who's feeling as bad as I feel.