Biggest disappointments/Did you get over it?

[VisualKEIcrasher 25]

This was during my junior year of high school, image a beautiful girl. Not too skinny and not too big, just right. Bubbly, warm and happy. A couple of days in, she starts to compliment my long eyelashes and play with my hair, calling me cute too. Homecoming was 1 week away. So I was about to ask her to homecoming but I had heard she was going to be moving cities so I haulted. 

My friend Will staged an event, he said, "Hey what do you think about my buddy Mike?" She said (I quote from Will), "He's really funny and cute, I'd date him except I miss my girlfriend at home." 
So it turns out that she was an adorable, great girl but she was a lesbian (no intention to bash on those who are lesbians or gay). 

It still randomly rings in my head every now and then. Somewhat sad......

[usuxorz 30]

I think my biggest relationship disappointment was with my "baby daddy" James. There’s 3 Microsoft Word pages of text behind the cut, if you’re actually interested. XD

We met online through an MMO when we were still just teenagers. His family life was unstable, he hated his family, and I hated my family, so we found solace with each other. It was as if it was us against the world. We were even going to get engaged (he was looking at rings).

A random 13 year old girl befriended me online. Amanda. She knew quite a bit about me, but she knew even more about my boyfriend. She implied that she also had a romantic relationship with him. I asked him directly about it, because I trusted him more than a random stranger. He admitted talking with her and leading her on, but denied being interested in her; his defense was that he was just playing with her and wasn't actually interested in her. I asked him how that was supposed to be any better? I told him that I loved him, but needed some space to figure out how I felt about the situation. It wasn't exactly cheating, but that doesn't mean it was acceptable either.

With seemingly nowhere else to turn, I decided to throw my focus into modeling again. I befriended a budding photographer in hopes of making a new portfolio. Hope. She was a wild child! Open and honest about her drug use, rampant sexuality, and rich parents that tried to buy her love, she seemed nothing like me. Except she and I looked a lot alike, despite her being about 50 pounds heavier. She had to cancel our first photoshoot because "something came up"... I later found out that she took my boyfriend to Disneyland and that he stayed the night at her place. She shared intimate details about him as "proof" that she wasn't lying. I never thought to ask WHY she knowingly went on a date with the guy I was dating.

I had made up my mind; I couldn't tolerate his unfaithfulness. We broke up, much to his dismay. It was then that I learned that I was pregnant. My older sister pushed me to make a decision immediately, stating that waiting too long was the same as making a decision (never mind the fact that I hadn't even known I was pregnant for a week at that point). I loved it, the little one growing inside of me, too much to kill it. My heart made the decision while my brain was still thinking about the future. I called James to let him know the situation. He hoped that the pregnancy meant I would take him back, but I made it perfectly clear that I would not take him back because I don't tolerate cheating. He said he'd go to my first legitimate doctor's appointment with me (to give his family medical history, if nothing else), but he didn't show. I called his father's place and his step-mom said, in her thick Asian accent, "he hide out at his girlfriend from you."

I called Hope, but she said he wasn't there and she hadn't seen him "since last time". I called Amanda, who actually didn't live close to us at all, but she didn't know where he was at either... but she'd let me know if she heard from him because she was on "my side" now. I started getting a lot of various friend requests online and strangers IMing me. One of them turned out to be his girlfriend. Lorena (I think... I kinda tried really hard to forget her).... and she had pictures of me on the walls of her room in the background of her profile pictures. Creepy stalker status. I don't know how, when, or where they met, but I do know one of the main subjects they talked about: me.

With her stalking and James having his friends harass me, I had to change my aliases/usernames and really consider my own privacy while online. I cancelled all of my photoshoots, decided to give up modeling, stopped sharing publically online, and became fairly withdrawn. James wanted nothing to do with the child, which was always fine with me, but I wanted/needed his family medical history. I called his father and said, "Hi, Mr. *******, this is Missa. James probably didn't tell you yet, but I'm 6 months pregnant a-" *click* His father hung up on me. James called me back to curse at me and tell me that his father wants me to get an abortion. Classy. ((Abortions after the first trimester are illegal in most states of the USA.))

James and Lorena eventually moved to Florida with her family. I mailed two birth announcements to James' father (since I didn't have his mother's address). A couple years later James called me out of the blue to say that he was on the road, moving back to California. He said he wanted to stop by and see his daughter. I told him that would be fine and to have a safe trip. He informed me of how "scary" and "crazy" Lorena was... she was obsessed with me, dating him only to be closer to me, and tried to get pregnant so she could be like me. He told me that she had to be institutionalized for her safety, his safety, and her family's safety.

Up to this point Amanda and I had become good friends. We took to each other like loving sisters. Hope and I were basically opposites that didn't attract; no one could understand how we managed to remain friends. I received an e-mail from Lorena not long after that. In her 4 page essay she told me how obsessed with me James was, how he abused her for being different from me, and so much more. I never saw that side of James, but she didn't have a reason to lie to me... so I asked Amanda and Hope about their relationships with James. Amanda said she was never able to meet him in person because of her age and how far apart they lived, but he did lead her on (and previously admitted to me that he intentionally played mind games with her). Hope told me that the night he stayed over he..... pushed her down the stairs. I never saw that side of him, ever. It's still shocking to think about.

Years pass and still no word from James. Then out of the blue he calls, asking if he and his girlfriend can come see Munchlax. Karen was sweet, loved kids, and seemed to love being in the "mommy" position. I didn't like her from the very beginning, but I might've just been petty. James expected to be called "daddy" despite never seeing his daughter before. He expected me to let them take her up to northern California for Thanksgiving. I told him the only way she'd make that trip is if I went with, so he told his family that I refused to let them see/meet her. In the five years of her life, Munchlax had only seen him twice before he kidnapped her in 2008 (although I say "he" did it, in reality he sat in the car while Karen got Munchlax from the house). I was a few seconds too late to prevent it.

I always hated my family, and they always hated me in return (or did I hate them in return for hating me? Whatever). They lied to the courts and did everything within their power to make sure I couldn't regain custody. Karen, in turn, married James because the judge didn't see why HER income, as the girlfriend, should be used to support HIS daughter. My family claimed that they did it in Munchlax's "best interest," but they never checked up on her after James gained custody. Trying to speak with my daughter and visit her, as ordered by the court, became a hassle because James always brought up the time we dated, why I broke up with him, et cetera. To me, the center of focus was Munchlax, but for James the center of focus had always been "us."

About a year later Karen separated from James. I found out that he had punched her face and she drew the line at physical abuse. I never saw that side of him......

He had long since grown tired of playing daddy/family and gave Munchlax away to his mother's church friends. Literally. He just dropped her off at a house with a trash bag full of dirty clothes, video tapes, and a couple of toys. I found out a month after the fact because Karen FINALLY answered her phone and told me (I was, unfortunately, used to them ignoring the court ordered phone calls by this time). Luckily, with James out of the picture, Munchlax was allowed to have a healthy, loving relationship with me. It took time for her to recover mentally, but she's healed from her encounter with her father.

You know the worst part, excluding anything related to my daughter? I feel GUILTY because he "only" cheated on me and didn't physically abuse me. Hope, Lorena, and Karen all claim domestic violence, but I sometimes wonder because I never saw that side of him.... how fucked up am I?! I can readily believe all the emotional and mental abuse, but I question the physical abuse?

My daughter is 11 years old now. She doesn't much care for her father and only sees him at the holidays when she visits her grandma. She hasn't heard from my side of the family since she was abducted, despite my sisters claiming to be active participants of the kidnapping with her "best interest" in mind. She's the light of my life (and I tell her so every time we speak).

Did I get over it? I'm not sure that I have or that I ever will. I feel as if I failed my daughter, let her down... was unable to protect her. It's every parent's nightmare. As for James... he just reaffirmed that I shouldn't tolerate cheating. I've always been better off without him, as has Munchlax.

Amanda and I fell out of contact as she got busy with school.
Hope and I had a huge fight and parted ways.
I never responded to Lorena's e-mail and she never tried contacting me again (as far as I know, at least).
Karen still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, especially when my daughter defends her.
James and I haven't spoken since he gave up custody, despite seeing each other in court afterwards.
James' father and step-mother still have nothing to do with any of us.
James' mother and younger brother accept and love Munchlax. They've somehow made amends with James.
Munchlax is mostly a straight A student who loves to swim and game, but she has a hard time making friends in school. She's a lot like me. So much so that the minor differences really stand out (ex: I'm ok with being a loner and even prefer it, she still wants to be surrounded with friends).