AmberKid

It's really good to see that I'm not alone...there are indeed many who struggle like me. I suffer from depressions and anxiety also. It started during my teenage years, but back then wasn't diagnosed. My mother simply denied it. "My kid is healthy and doesn't need a therapist." Well...yeah. Around the same time my migraines also started. A few years later I was diagnosed with thyroid hypofunction and type 1 diabetes. Runs in the family, so while it can be treated, I will never be rid of it. But it triggered my depressions and I finally came around and sought help. I have been struggling since. Especially the last few years were hard on me, many bad things happened, but I refuse to give up. Last year I ended up in hospital, including a five-day stay in the ICU. Blood poisoning due to an abcess that lead to kidney malfunction and worsened my diabetes. People in hospital were surprised that I survived...little do they know about me. I'm a fighter, I was taught to always be strong and never give up. And luckily I have people in my life, who help me to keep going. Who save me from being dragged down by my inner demons too much. I found those people through music. Without music I'd be long gone. In August I will go into therapy again. Since also other stuff has added to the list (PCOS, fibromyalgia) that need to be looked into. And the doc I found is awesome. I am positive that it will do me good.

*raises hand* Yup, I'll be there.

German is my mother tongue, but since I grew up bi-lingual, my English is fluent...funny enough I adapt to my conversational partners, I switch between accents, which can be rather confusing for listeners. I had four years of Latin in school, I don't count it as an "active" language, though. I had two years of French in school too, but I hardly speak it. I studied Japanese for three years, but I forgot much of it. Time to get back to learning. And I still have Korean on my "Want to learn"-List.

My current one.

[attachment=0]animetize.jpg[/attachment] As close as it can get, I guess...

Hallo, als erste im neuen Jahr geselle ich mich auch mal hier dazu! Bin auch Deutsche, komme aus dem Norden, aus Bremen. Neben Deutsch spreche ich aber auch genauso gut Englisch, weil ich das Glück hatte, zweisprachig aufzuwachsen.

Hiya! After being silent for quite a while, I'm back! And yeah...after giving up on self employment with my own fashion brand...I now have more time for art again! First off...feel free to check out my deviantART account HERE Mostly old stuff there...but I've been working on some new art... Excuse the crappy quality of those pics...don't have a scanner atm. If someone is interested in the clothes I made, tell me and I post some stuff, kay?

FML. My best friend is treating me like sh**, just because she has a new boy. And it's not just that we're best friends...we're flatmates and colleagues in our own business. For the last 6 days she's been staying in bed, chatting with her beau via skype. Keeping me awake with it during the night and putting me on ignore during the days. Unless she's hungry or needs coffee...then she remembers me. And I'm sitting here on a pile of unfinished work and stuff I need her help with.

Why is it, that those you care for deeply...can hurt you so easily? I try everything I can...I work hard to be a good friend/roommate...and I don't deny that there are good times... ... ...but recently my heart has been full of pain. It hurts to see one I consider my best friend - my soulsister of sorts - move away from me. At least that's how it feels for me. She's spending time with everybody...while I am alone most of the time. I struggle...keep the apartment in order, cook...all to please her...and yet it never seems enough. Is it me? Am I asking too much? Once more - even if for a different reason - I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like I am...insignificant, invisible even. We used to have so much fun together...watching movies, going out...all that seems forgotten now. Like there is a huge rift and I am standing on one side and she is on the other. And the bridge over the rift is slowly falling apart. I am falling apart...my soul is torn to pieces...

I'm bi with a higher tendency to guys. Yet my two longest lasting relationships were with girls. One lasted more than 4 years...my longest relationship ever.

And once again... ...no one fucking cares. I come home from a long day in town and all I get is yelled at. I go for groceries to finally do what I enjoy again (cooking) what do I hear? "Oh so A. can cook later!" ... "Oh...or...did you want to cook?" Why do I even bother? A. already cooked today. While I was away. And left the kitchen in a fucking mess with dishes piling up...you wonder how two ppl can produce such a mess. That I cleaned up now. Because I can't stand the dirt in my kitchen. Roommates...*shakes head*

X-Japan in Berlin. Friggin awesome! Next up is Guitar Wolf in Hamburg. After that I'll be on tour myself with FIX & Buta Kazock for the rest of July. Oh the joys of working in the industry...

Home alone, keeping panic in check...ack...hate being alone at night...but I was too tired to party out...they will be drunk as f*** when they come home...too drunk to care...

Coke/beer mix and chocolate. Odd combination but works for me. At least I got stuff done today. Show tomorrow...more stuff on Friday, off to a party I didn't know about in Saturday, getting stuff finished on Sunday...and on Monday I'll be off to face my doom. Heh..knowing my luck, I won't even get my chance to talk to him...but a girl can dream, right?

I'm still waiting for the reports of friends of mine who were there. 5 days till Berlin.

Haven't bought Jade...right now I must rely on this board to get my hands on music. xD Will see them on Monday...haven't decided yet, if I will buy any merch.

I have been planning my first for 3 years now. Well...actually my first 3 are planned. First will be the Eye of Horus in the nape of my neck. It's a symbol that has been with me all my life. The second comes in a set with the first...it's an Ankh on my right ringfinger. The third is the most special one and it will go on my left hip/thigh. It's one of my own drawings, you can see it on deviantART here. But that one will have to wait...first the two small ones.

AFAIK every member of Despa can play at least one other instrument. As for Hizumi, I can totally understand his choice and I have a lot of respect for it. I used to sing, more classical stuff though and most of the time in different choirs. I'm a mezzo-soprano, had to sing lead soprano, though...and one performance almost killed my voice for good. Singing a solo with a lot of high notes in a church without heating system in the middle of winter...no good. I had no voice for 3 weeks after and after a long talk with my doc...I quit singing for the sake of my voice. I just told that story to emphasize that I know what Hizumi is going through...I can relate.

AFAIK he has already undergone a couple of treatments, but until now, none of them seem to be effective enough...oh well...even if he just wants a break...let him. He has been on stage for 10+ years...I know I would definitely need a break.

I used to have glasses...and my eyesight isn't the best (my right eye is worse than my left)...I should get new glasses soon. I'm thinking about contacts as well...I already use colored lenses for fun, so putting them in is no hassle for me.

I totally agree. After I put some thought into it...I'm sure they will be back once Hizumi has really undergone treatment and has recovered his voice fully. And it's not like they've fallen off the face of the world...they still tweet and blog...and the music they have created remains. Funny enough I see lots of coverversions of Despa-songs popping up recently...coincidence?

Anyone else going? I've been waiting since 1994 for this chance...so I'll be there!

So...anyone already seen the PV for JADE? Thoughts?

Gosh...seems I'm the most weak and awful person in the world. Is it so wrong to be worried? She said to call at 8...and call I did, but she didn't find it neccessary to answer the call...or any that followed. She said they'd be there for an hour...in the end it was 4. I probably shouldn't have freaked...but I explained...and yet she's giving me the silent treatment. Is that how a best friend and roommate behaves? This is gonna be another night with nightmares...friggin great.

My worst mistake ever...to fall in love with a guy that I can't ever be with.